Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
I am now at the end of the fifth day since my sweet little 8 year old daughter told me her brother had been touching her privates. That was Monday morning while I was getting her ready for school. Somehow I held it together and took her to school (she wanted to go, I gave her the option of staying home) and got home and fell apart. Her brother was already gone to school when she told me. I called my husband and told him to meet me at home and told me all that she told me. I screamed and cried and yelled. I called CPS and reported it. In order for them to pick up my son from school, I had to take my daughter to be questioned. Thankfully they have a nice place here where an expert questions her and it is video taped and observed by the officer who was in charge of the case (my second call was to the police), so she shouldn't have to go through that again. They also questioned my 6 year old son and my 13 year old daughter. It seems to be that she was his only victim, but I am still worried my little boy may have been touched, too. I have millions of worries and millions of questions, but the things I am really crazed about is why didn't she tell me the first time? We have had the touch talks several times! The second thing is why is she not seeming to have any "symptoms" she isn't mad, shy, clingy, etc. and third, what can I do for her now to help her future be better? I am out of space here, I think. I am so grateful to have found this site, I don't want to talk to others around me, they will never let there kids come and play here again and that will hurt my little ones worse than the loss of their brother (which has even upset my 8 year old tremendously! She misses him!) Any advice will be so appreciated. I am sorry that any of us has to be here, but I am so thankful to have found you.
But this is the beginning of a long road you'll unfortunately have to walk down to come out as victors and not victims at the other end. I know you must feel so torn having both the victim and the perpetrator right there in your family. Your son needs help too, he may need to disclose something as well--it's always a big question where the perp learned the behavior they committed--seeing something in magazines, videos, other friends or family, or are they also victims???
Your daughter may not be reacting yet because she's trying to deny it somehow, or she doesn't want to get other family members upset--it could be for many reasons that may also come out as things progress. I'm guessing she must feel like she betrayed her brother by telling, and she's causing all kinds of disharmony in the family, but she did the right thing, and it's not her fault. Hearing that from you and your husband and reassuring her frequently will be helpful to her. Getting her counseling, and probably your family as well, will also be really beneficial for her and all of your healing.
Try not to think of all the outside circumstances that could result from this--I know it's hard, but those things will be what they will be and things will work themselves out one way or another in time. The focus now is your daughter and her healing, as well as the other members in your immediate family (including you) as necessary. Try to just take one thing at a time and just put one foot in front of the other--baby steps, small bites, hour by hour if that's how you need to look at it. Take gentle care of you and yours. Come here for support or to vent whenever you need to. My heart goes out to you, your in my thoughts and prayers.
thanks for listening and responding, it helps immensely to know you are all out there. my prayers include all of you too.
Hang in there. Wait to hear what is going on in your son's life. There are a few families here who have both perp and victim in the same house. Do what you have to do to get your anger out and for self-care.
It sounds like you did everything under the sun to try and stay on top of managing your son's (stepson?) difficulties in life, but they will always find a way. I remember hearing a radio show when my sons were small and all in elementary school and I was trying not to let them play with toy guns. The host of the show said it doesn't matter what you do, they'll make guns out of their toast crusts. Two days later on the weekend they did exactly that (I thought for a second they'd all skipped school and heard my show!). But no matter how hard and often you snoop and investigate, explain and discipline, where there's a will there's a way. You aren't to blame--it's simply impossible to be on top of everything.
I'm so sorry your husband had the emergency surgery on top of all this. Really, it's miraculous sometimes that we can actually handle so many difficult things all at once--but I sure wish we didn't have to, although it seems to make us stronger eventually somehow. I'm sorry you feel so strongly about your son who did this--I don't know how I'd react in the same situation, but as someone removed from that circumstance I can imagine that he is hurting from something and needs lots of help too. Give it all time to unfold.
Hang in there and try to focus on and do just the one thing you need to do at the moment. It will get better--in time you'll see that this is only one small part of who you all are and you can't let it be too consuming because it doesn't let all the good qualities you possess have their rightful place in your life. Take care of you too. You're doing the right things. (((hugs)))