I suspect that when a child is sexually abused, it can be a really emasculating experience for the father. He may have felt it was his responsibility to protect the family, so the powerless feeling of discovering that he didn't prevent this can make him want to sweep the subject under the rug at the first opportunity. You're moving? There's your husband's opportunity! It sounds as if his attitude is: you'll start fresh, maybe the move will make your daughter happy, so let's wait and see! He may not want to share this history with anyone in the new town because he fears it might make him look weak at a time when he needs to be seen as strong.

If you suggested that the cure for a soldier with PTSD might be to move and start fresh, your husband might realize the problem with his own thinking. Soldiers with PTSD can't escape memories of their traumas -- I've heard of some POWs who become very anxious when they meet someone who looks or sounds or smells like their captor. Soldiers with PTSD need ongoing care and support. Your daughter is a POW of another kind -- forced to accept the torture of abuse. You now know how she responds when she sees someone who looks like the enemy. She deserves the same consideration as one of your husband's "brothers in arms."

I'm a teacher. The more I know about my kids the better. It helps me plan where to assign seats, what topics to emphasize or avoid in class, etc. Your daughter's teachers need to know your daughter's triggers as well as what works to help her feel calm again. They can develop signals with your daughter if she suddenly needs to see the school counselor -- "three fingers mean I am too worried to concentrate," e.g.

I have two thoughts to share...

1) Have you thought about sitting down as a family and asking your daughter out right if she feels the need for counseling? Maybe you can point out the reasons you feel that she might need to go back and get feedback from her? Maybe if your husband hears her need from her own mouth he won't fight the healing process as much.

2) One of the situations that we've been made aware of is that if you don't tell the new teachers and your child discloses to them, if you have a good teacher, they will follow protocol and report it and then you'll have to deal with CPS all over again and proving that nothing is wrong at your home. That has been the main motivation for us to share with any new individuals who are in charge of our children which has lessened with time... But we are two and a half years out from disclosures. I'd hate to have that happen to you just because you or your husband has a phobia of claiming your daughter's truthful history.

Those are my two cents!

I agree,her teacher,the school counselor and principal should know.My daughter was triggered several times in school,you don't even have to tell them specifics,just that she is dealing with a significant trauma,oh an add school nurse to that list There are many accommodations that you can put in lace through a 504 plan to protect her rights and yours,especially if she misses a lot of school or has trouble concentrating.My daughter was abused by my husband's nephew and he feels extremely guilty and he tends to try to not think about it.I handle all the gory details.

How are you settling in? What have you decided to do about enlisting support of school personnel?

Dear MadeLo, I think I will go against the majorities' opinion here :O) I have three kids, two of whom were repeatedly abused and raped from ages around 1 and 2 and from 2 to 4 (respectively), by their grandparents (my husband's parents). For two years they suffered extreme PTSD and were in EMDR, play therapy, family therapy, etc. The eldest one (the one who endured the longest, most violent attacks from ages 2 to 4) still suffers some symptoms, like nightmares, gender insecurities, emotional regulation, etc. In general terms, they are doing far better than they were. My automatic instinct was to tell everybody about the situation, to share my grief and worries. I did not, in order to protect my children's privacy. And I am SO GLAD i did not. Even if in some situations I had to talk to a worried teacher (who called me to try to decipher some aggressive behavior, or comment from my eldest) I always managed to say that he had been through a VERY CHALLENGING situation, that he had had to ENDURE a lot as a very young toddler, that he had TRUST ISSUES and that he needed to be constantly reassured of our love (including the teachers') but at the same time, set limits. The teachers were grateful for my openness, but also for my discretion. And so are my children. They can move around without being stigmatized, treated as victims, treated as the "different". That would, in my opinion, mean that the abuse continues and chases them as a long shadow. Well, not for my children. One of the two abusers will be soon behind bars. It ends there. I will not extend our drama to our new school (they switched schools for reasons not related to the abuses), and they continue playing in the playground with the same friends they have had since they were still crawling in the sand park. LOTS of things happened to them in these few years, but they worst fear, that the world would end if they disclose (as they grandparents threatened) DID NOT COME TRUE. They disclosed, we suffered (a lot, I almost lost it, but remained stable for them), but every afternoon, they went to the same playground to meet with their same friends (who do not know about the abuses) and play. They are children. Not victims. Not survivors. They suffered a HORRIBLE EXPERIENCE, and trauma is but ONE experience in life. Terrible, scarring, etc etc, but life goes on and they have the right to breath without this contaminated atmosphere following them everywhere. Bury the trauma? NOT AT ALL! It is myself who brings the issue from time to time (marginally, without direct comments but they get me immediately) to check how they are doing, feeling, etc. The other day we were watching the Big Bad Wolf and Little Red Chaperon. When the wolf got in bed and attacked the girl…. well, you can imagine all the triggers my two babies had… so I said, marginally: "Well, you can see, the bad wolf groomed the little girl, and she was upset, she felt betrayed because she trusted someone who did not deserve her trust, but look at her! She asked for help and someone helped! the hunter! He was a good person, and good people are everywhere! So Little Chaperon is still scared, but she knows she will be fine". And then my eldest (who usually refuses talking about the abuses, he is now 7) said: "Mum I have been having this nightmare that I am so terribly hurt that I choose to hide in a big hole on the ground, and die… I die to be safe". So we talk about nightmares, about hiding be OK, but there is no need to die because dying means the end of everything, like playground, movie theater, swimming, ice-cream, adventure books, etc…. and so we go. So my advice would be (and these are my humble two-cents): keep your daughters' atmosphere as clean from the abuse as possible. A new town and school ARE, in my opinion, great opportunities for a fresh start. BUT of course do not think this means the end of memories, flashbacks, triggers, etc. The fresh air will contribute to your baby's breathing without feeling constantly harassed by the consequences of the abuse, just that. She will still need to feel that she as a safe space to talk about what happened, with you, your husband, and the teacher too, if SHE decides to disclose. Being abused means being deprived of self control, autonomy, freedom. She needs to feel she is in charge now, even when it is about disclosing the abuses. When, to whom, how, etc. With love, Three.

Dear MadeLo, I think I will go against the majorities' opinion here :O) I have three kids, two of whom were repeatedly abused and raped from ages around 1 and 2 and from 2 to 4 (respectively), by their grandparents (my husband's parents). For two years they suffered extreme PTSD and were in EMDR, play therapy, family therapy, etc. The eldest one (the one who endured the longest, most violent attacks from ages 2 to 4) still suffers some symptoms, like nightmares, gender insecurities, emotional regulation, etc. In general terms, they are doing far better than they were. My automatic instinct was to tell everybody about the situation, to share my grief and worries. I did not, in order to protect my children's privacy. And I am SO GLAD i did not. Even if in some situations I had to talk to a worried teacher (who called me to try to decipher some aggressive behavior, or comment from my eldest) I always managed to say that he had been through a VERY CHALLENGING situation, that he had had to ENDURE a lot as a very young toddler, that he had TRUST ISSUES and that he needed to be constantly reassured of our love (including the teachers') but at the same time, set limits. The teachers were grateful for my openness, but also for my discretion. And so are my children. They can move around without being stigmatized, treated as victims, treated as the "different". That would, in my opinion, mean that the abuse continues and chases them as a long shadow. Well, not for my children. One of the two abusers will be soon behind bars. It ends there. I will not extend our drama to our new school (they switched schools for reasons not related to the abuses), and they continue playing in the playground with the same friends they have had since they were still crawling in the sand park. LOTS of things happened to them in these few years, but they worst fear, that the world would end if they disclose (as they grandparents threatened) DID NOT COME TRUE. They disclosed, we suffered (a lot, I almost lost it, but remained stable for them), but every afternoon, they went to the same playground to meet with their same friends (who do not know about the abuses) and play. They are children. Not victims. Not survivors. They suffered a HORRIBLE EXPERIENCE, and trauma is but ONE experience in life. Terrible, scarring, etc etc, but life goes on and they have the right to breath without this contaminated atmosphere following them everywhere. Bury the trauma? NOT AT ALL! It is myself who brings the issue from time to time (marginally, without direct comments but they get me immediately) to check how they are doing, feeling, etc. The other day we were watching the Big Bad Wolf and Little Red Chaperon. When the wolf got in bed and attacked the girl…. well, you can imagine all the triggers my two babies had… so I said, marginally: "Well, you can see, the bad wolf groomed the little girl, and she was upset, she felt betrayed because she trusted someone who did not deserve her trust, but look at her! She asked for help and someone helped! the hunter! He was a good person, and good people are everywhere! So Little Chaperon is still scared, but she knows she will be fine". And then my eldest (who usually refuses talking about the abuses, he is now 7) said: "Mum I have been having this nightmare that I am so terribly hurt that I choose to hide in a big hole on the ground, and die… I die to be safe". So we talk about nightmares, about hiding be OK, but there is no need to die because dying means the end of everything, like playground, movie theater, swimming, ice-cream, adventure books, etc…. and so we go. So my advice would be (and these are my humble two-cents): keep your daughters' atmosphere as clean from the abuse as possible. A new town and school ARE, in my opinion, great opportunities for a fresh start. BUT of course do not think this means the end of memories, flashbacks, triggers, etc. The fresh air will contribute to your baby's breathing without feeling constantly harassed by the consequences of the abuse, just that. She will still need to feel that she as a safe space to talk about what happened, with you, your husband, and the teacher too, if SHE decides to disclose. Being abused means being deprived of self control, autonomy, freedom. She needs to feel she is in charge now, even when it is about disclosing the abuses. When, to whom, how, etc. is up to her, even if she is young. Support (family, school, therapist, etc.) is super needed, but in her own terms. With love, Three.