I don't have much time right now but the best resource I can point you to quickly is mosac.net Your counselor is so right, it is almost universal, if not fair, that survivors will vent anger on mom even if you had no idea. Hopefully it will pass. I guess another resource that helped me understand that was the book Courage to Heal by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis.

Ellesse, I thought I was closer to my daughter than to anyone else in the world. And yet it took her 15 years for her to disclose that she had been violently raped and then regularly abused by an adult neighbor when she was in 3rd grade. Beyond my shock and devastation, I was forced to confront the fact that I hardly knew my daughter at all. I didn't know how deeply damaged she was inside, I didn't know that she had taken her first drink of alcohol shortly after this happened, nor that she'd been smoking pot in high school and had made the switch to painkillers, then heroin, when she was in college. I didn't know her true strength.

I did, starting when she was in elementary school, find her a series of therapists to help her with depression and what seemed like irrational fears, but she never told them about being raped, either. We COULD NOT help her because she was too terrified to tell any of us -- the Nazi threatened to kill our whole family if she told. This is different from the child/child abuse your daughter suffered, but it is the same in terms of the damage this abuse can do to skew a child's sense of boundaries and safety. My daughter was raped subsequently because she was with evil people who could tell she was vulnerable. (Of course, it's ALWAYS the perpetrator's fault, because they know how to take advantage.)

I'll bet your daughter didn't want you to be sad -- or ashamed of or mad at her, as illogical as that sounds -- and that's why she has kept these details from you all these years. But whatever her reasons, she reached out to others, and thank God for that. Does your daughter now know that you know about the assault by the colleague? Has your daughter indicated that she is angry with you?

The important thing is that you know now. Because your daughter is an adult, you can't "make" her get psychological help, but you can get some for yourself -- the sooner the better. Your therapist should have a good understanding of child sexual abuse and should know that you are not to blame for any of this. Your therapist can help you figure out how you can best support your daughter now.

As you draw closer again with your daughter -- I believe it can happen (it has for me) -- she may have more to reveal, other secrets she has kept. Ask your therapist to help you prepare for this possibility.

And yes, do pore through the links at mosac.net. You will find much practical information.

Ellesse,

You bringing this up really helps me. My daughter is in limited contact with my husband, and practically none with me. I'm glad to hear this is typical.

I am so sorry to hear about all of this. I had not really internalized that being assaulted in college would "count" as sexual abuse, although I know it is. It happened to me undoubtedly because of my past abuses, and I sure don't want that to happen to my kids. Naive1.2 has a good point about people sensing when people are vulnerable and preying on them.

Clocked: I believe that all nonconsensual sex is sexual abuse, and that includes rape. But people shy away from calling SA rape because it sounds too extreme, or too accusatory. Survivors of any kind of SA react in very similar ways -- emotionally, physically, behaviorally. As I always say, when people try to compare and contrast: The worst thing that has ever happened to you is the worst thing that has ever happened to you. It's all legitimately disturbing, and any unprocessed trauma will begin to take over other parts of one's life.

And I'm so sorry that you were also raped subsequent to suffering earlier SA.

Thanks all. This has ripped through the family. The "blaming Mom for not supporting when unaware" has been a revelation so I shared in case it could help. Already have started reading books etc. Now I am getting a sight of the big monster I couldn't see before and didn't know what we were fighting.

"The big monster I couldn't see before and didn't know what we were fighting." That is a great way to describe my situation when my daughter was growing up. She went from being a mainly cheerful, expressive child to one who grew increasingly depressed -- "for no reason." At least, for no reason she could safely explain. I know that manymanymany -- and probably all -- members here have experienced the same bewilderment.

I should note that my daughter has recently -- and finally!! -- been admitted to a comprehensive CPTSD program developed for victims of crime. It includes a support group of survivors (of sexual assault, shootings, etc.) and a social worker and psychiatrist assigned to her specifically. I have been praying for such help for a very long time. My daughter really values this program, and is working very seriously to progress as far as she can to reclaim her true, strong self. I hope your daughter will find something similar where you live. My daughter's is based at a local university/med school, so that might be where your daughter might want to look.

IMPORTANT: Something I keep forgetting to mention -- and which I hope your own therapist is making clear to you -- is that a common aspect of childhood trauma is that a child's emotional development may seem to stop at the age of abuse. When your daughter was first assaulted, she was likely at an age at which children think that, although their parents can't be omnipresent, they are nonetheless omnipotent and omniscient. This, I think, is where the "mommy should have known!!!" argument arises. If you, somehow, "knew everything" and had the power to stop it, but didn't, then you "failed" her in her time of deepest fear, confusion, and despair.

I hope your daughter is open to therapy herself, so she can begin to untangle this very young way of considering you. She may not fully appreciate it unless she becomes a mother herself, but she can make some headway on it now. Perhaps it will eventually become possible for her to join you at your therapist's office as a safe place to begin to heal that sense of betrayal she feels.

Thanks Naive. I have also been praying for healing. I try to remain optimistic and have faith. Sometimes I wobble if I think about it continuing for a long time.
Daughter has had a zoom type therapist for over a year. I am not confident about her therapy based on what I've experienced. Feel they may be encouraging her to cut off from me, since I am the source of the trouble according to daughter. Working hard on Faith: "Thank you God for making a way when I don't see a way."
Daughter is a mom. I was not comfortable being shredded in front of gkids and concerned they would learn that is how to treat me. Apparently the resolution for that was to cut off comm with me totally. Has greatly impacted seeing gkids. My biggest challenge is remaining positive. ❤️ Today counselor gave me some words to send in a note to daughter, along the lines of "I'm sorry about how you felt growing up and that I didn't recognize the problems at the time. What are you needing from me now?"
With the history of nearly any word triggering her, it is scary to take this step. I am trying to build a bridge back. ❤️

https://www.mosac.net/ResponsibilityContinuum.aspx this page talks a little about why she might believe you knew about the abuse...

The book Courage to Heal by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis is a great resource for adult survivors trying to heal, but it has a chapter on anger that helped me understand a little more where that comes from and that usually it will pass eventually if your daughter continues the healing process.

Being estranged from a child is so hard--it's part of my experience too--a couple books I wish I'd read sooner in the process before we were cut off to the extent we are now are Reconnecting with your Estranged Adult Child by Tina Gilbertson, and Rules of Estrangement by Josh Coleman. Both authors have websites too. Your therapist's guidance seems right on track.

Hi, Ellesse. How have you been?

Hi, current status is that estrangement is still going on with my daughter who survived assaults and seems her siblings are joining in. They seem to be developing their own support system, going on as if I am no longer on earth. My understanding is that I need to admit and apologize for being a total failure as a Mom to them. Heartbreaking.

I'm so glad to hear from you...and to tell you that you're NOT a failure as a mom. This is the wrong conclusion to draw about pain that was caused by others.

It is actually GREAT that your children are pulling together to support each other. That's because of YOU, who helped them understand what support means and feels like. They will need each other when they are older. My brother and sisters are my most important allies. Let them be there for each other. It's not about you -- truly.

Perhaps your children see your shattered state and don't want to bother you, but their unity is definitely a good thing. It's a huge sign of growth and independence.

I wonder if, in addition to spending energy on your own brokenness, you could also spare some energy to mention that you're grateful for the way your children are drawing close at a difficult time. Even in the bad times -- maybe more so in the bad times -- kids need to hear that they are doing something right, that they CAN do something right. Please try it. Add, it you think they will hear it, that you'll do all you can to support all of them, and that you are working hard (I sure hope you are!) on dealing with your sorrow and shock.

And....you might want to consider this as well: radical acceptance. All of our lives have been disrupted, turned upside-down by the actions of others. We could do nothing to defend against what we could not know. Some people are just plain evil. Remorseless. We didn't deserve or bring on what they did. We could control it no more than we could prevent a tornado or an earthquake.

Here's more on radical acceptance:

https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-radical-acceptance-5120614

Please keep writing, if you feel it helps! These emotions need an outlet, and your therapist is not available 24/7.

Be gentle with yourself.