Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group

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Messy Room...the cycle of frustration!

warriormomx5
warriormomx5

Does anyone else have a child who acts out their anger and sadness through destruction of their room?  My daughter is literally on a cycle of a) mom cleans her room (with as much help as she can muster), b) it stays clean for anywhere from 1 day to a week c) she tears it apart through tumultuous play, throwing accident-dirty clothes everywhere, writing/drawing things on paper and crumpling them up and throwing them everywhere, etc., d) when mom has time again, mom goes and cleans the room...again.


It is SO overwhelming!  And every single time I find new emotional or factual disclosures drawn or written in those crumpled up papers.  Today I found "I hate my life," "I want to die," and "everything is my fault and getting raped.  I hate myself."  Luckily, we skype with her therapist this Saturday.  Also, it hasn't helped that swim team has been paused (her physical/mental health outlet) because the pool heater broke and it's been pretty cold for our state.  I'm just hoping that drama club will be a good outlet and not make these issues worse.  My husband and I are constantly telling her she's beautiful, precious, loved, special, etc. trying to rebuild that self esteem.  We love on her as much as we can.


I just want my little girl to be able to enjoy having her own room and tidy it up by herself.  Even something THAT simple was stolen from her through the abuse.  If those perps even cared!

hopefulmama
hopefulmama
Interesting you wrote that today,I learned that younger children will do that,older children might cut(my daughter),it's stress relief.Did you ever get so mad you want/or do break something or punch the wall? But at least she is not holding it in.The self esteem thing is a bear,my husband was always telling our daughter how smart,beautiful ECT and nope.My daughter hates herself,even if she were perfect there would still be something wrong.I think though my daughter is starting to get it.She hates when I get upset,saying she is sorry that she makes me sad,that if she didn't tell I would not be sad,that all this ruins everything,I keep telling her she doesn't make me cry,what he did does.i am sad because if him and she is having problems because of what HE did.Ask your therapist of course but I would think when you see this behavior it would be appropriate to say"I see you are mad because of what he did" or "you hate yourself because of what he did,maybe try to hate him instead"I heard my daughter once say "my mom is sad because of him"Big change from what she usually says,I wish there was an answer,we are having a horrible time here too.Hang in there!
Naive1.2
Naive1.2
A small suggestion: praise your daughter for her achievements only. She will learn that you notice what she does right. She may not feel special, so telling her she is special may backfire by negating all the other nice things you say. She needs to know that it's what she DOES, not who she "IS" that makes her powerful.
warriormomx5
warriormomx5
Naive1.2,
While I comprehend what your suggesting, I disagree to a certain extent.

Being a child of 2 narcissistic parents, I was only ever "loved" for what I could do or look like that reflected back on my parents in a positive light. One of the brokenness-pains that I still have been struggling through, exasperated by the betrayal of said "best friend/surrogate mom," if that who I am is not enough to be loved. Why won't someone just love me for ME?!

Having this perspective helps me to see all the more how important it is for my daughter to know that NO MATTER what she does, says, what has happened to her, that she IS loved and special...especially in her childhood so that her adulthood isn't dependent on what she does.. she will always have that internal voice that reminds her SHE is good enough just because she is a unique, precious creation made in the image of God!

But I will try to be more sensitive to how what we says impacts her emotions. It's quite possible that certain words aren't wise to use. :)