Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
I have a little story to tell... I'm sorry in advance if this isn't completely on topic, but I have to get it out...
First a little about myself. My daughter was victimized by her fraternal uncle from the age of 3-14. We discovered after she turned 18 & was going through PTSD. She did finish high school, but refused therapy help & refused to prosecute. She's now 22 & is doing very well. I'm so proud of her.
Now for my story. My mother over the last 20+ years has had 'stroke-like' symptoms. She's been to doctors through many states, she's been diagnosed w/everything from MS to seizures to just plain we don't know & we give up. Her episodes usually happened @ 2-5 times a year & would last about 1-5 hours & she would get better. She started living w/me @ 2 years ago. Since my dad's death (12/14), these 'episodes' have amped up in both timing & severity: happening nearly weekly & lasting nearly 24 hours. My aunt (RN) recently suggested that she thinks she has Conversion Disorder. This described my mom exactly except that it's a disorder that is caused by a 'traumatic event'. I ask her what the event could be, I had never heard of anything. She mentions that when she was first married into the family & we kids were very young (1970ish), she kept us for 3 weeks because my dad had her committed for depression & suicide attempt. I called her brother to get confirmation? He said that @ 1958 while she was in college a 'few months' before she met my dad, she was raped multy times by multy men & left in a ditch naked. Obviously a source for her traumatic event & a reason for her depression/suicide attempt. Her parents put her in a mental hospital & told her to never talk about the event. Her brother did not even learn of the event until the late 80s & he never knew about her suicide attempt in the early 70s.
When I heard this story all the pieces of my/her life just started clicking.... I'm shamed for all the times I thought to myself "Quit Acting the Victim". I'm shamed for the possible lies that I believed that may not be true about 'the monster' that she made my dad out to be. I wish that I could hold my dad & say, "I believe you". I cry for both of them that neither received the help that they needed. I'm consoled that they truly loved each other because how else could they survive a 50+ year marriage w/out the love & determination to support one another.
But I also believe that this is God's Plan, not mine. I think he put her in my hands at this time to help her. The things that I learned about mental health & enabling from my daughter's experiences, I just don't think I would have been able to help my mother 5 years ago... So I'm back to taking things one day at a time. Things out of my control, I will not worry about today. I have discovered that there are Conversion Disorder Specialist in my area. My mother is 75 years old. Who knows whether or not they will be able to help her, whether or not she will help herself or what will happen. But I hope she still finds her peace.
I will no longer think of my mother as a Victim, but a Survivor.
First a little about myself. My daughter was victimized by her fraternal uncle from the age of 3-14. We discovered after she turned 18 & was going through PTSD. She did finish high school, but refused therapy help & refused to prosecute. She's now 22 & is doing very well. I'm so proud of her.
Now for my story. My mother over the last 20+ years has had 'stroke-like' symptoms. She's been to doctors through many states, she's been diagnosed w/everything from MS to seizures to just plain we don't know & we give up. Her episodes usually happened @ 2-5 times a year & would last about 1-5 hours & she would get better. She started living w/me @ 2 years ago. Since my dad's death (12/14), these 'episodes' have amped up in both timing & severity: happening nearly weekly & lasting nearly 24 hours. My aunt (RN) recently suggested that she thinks she has Conversion Disorder. This described my mom exactly except that it's a disorder that is caused by a 'traumatic event'. I ask her what the event could be, I had never heard of anything. She mentions that when she was first married into the family & we kids were very young (1970ish), she kept us for 3 weeks because my dad had her committed for depression & suicide attempt. I called her brother to get confirmation? He said that @ 1958 while she was in college a 'few months' before she met my dad, she was raped multy times by multy men & left in a ditch naked. Obviously a source for her traumatic event & a reason for her depression/suicide attempt. Her parents put her in a mental hospital & told her to never talk about the event. Her brother did not even learn of the event until the late 80s & he never knew about her suicide attempt in the early 70s.
When I heard this story all the pieces of my/her life just started clicking.... I'm shamed for all the times I thought to myself "Quit Acting the Victim". I'm shamed for the possible lies that I believed that may not be true about 'the monster' that she made my dad out to be. I wish that I could hold my dad & say, "I believe you". I cry for both of them that neither received the help that they needed. I'm consoled that they truly loved each other because how else could they survive a 50+ year marriage w/out the love & determination to support one another.
But I also believe that this is God's Plan, not mine. I think he put her in my hands at this time to help her. The things that I learned about mental health & enabling from my daughter's experiences, I just don't think I would have been able to help my mother 5 years ago... So I'm back to taking things one day at a time. Things out of my control, I will not worry about today. I have discovered that there are Conversion Disorder Specialist in my area. My mother is 75 years old. Who knows whether or not they will be able to help her, whether or not she will help herself or what will happen. But I hope she still finds her peace.
I will no longer think of my mother as a Victim, but a Survivor.
heartsadx3
This is a good example of why it is helpful to get treatment even if we think we are okay. For me It took until I started having kids at thirty to address the abuse in my family. I didn't get any support when I told as a child and instead was told to forgive and forget. I can empathize for your daughter because by all accounts I looked like everything was great on the outside I had a good job, friends, married my high school sweetheart, but keeping abuse hurried deep takes it's toll over time. One therapist described this perfectly and if you draw it on paper it makes a good visual so the straight line represents healthy life and connection to God every time a traumatic event happens it changes your course you start heading off at a slant and with each thing it bumps you further off course. When you look at it like a graph the steps moving up would relate to your age so although something happening in your childhood at your twenties you wouldn't be that far from the straight line but if it continues till your your mons age you will see a bigger difference. So how do we get back on track that is with healing and I believe our relationship with God it gets us back to where We should have traveled if the event hadn't happened. The bigger the event the larger the change in direction but even small things left untreated over time can hinder the best for US, good news is there is always a place to start moving back from but my experience was it didn't happen until the negative impact was big enough and the pain was big enough to motivate change. For me I started having panic attacks I couldn't work, my energy just left me, after that I found out I'd married a porn addict (which is so common for abuse survivors) and my life became unmanageable. Then I started therapy and healing groups. All through my functioning state I never for one day forgot I had been abused, there wasn't one day that I didn't inwardly feel the shame and insecurity inside yet I promise everyone would have thought I had it all together. Now I never remember the abuse unless I want to, I know my value and nothing can change that, I have peace inside with who I am, I do not feel shame from the abuse or that I am less than anyone, I dont have to overcompensate for my perceived less than value, I am free. As you say God does have a timing and He had one for me. Your mom may not be able to directly deal with the abuse but she may benefit from a therapy used for ptsd and borderline personality disorder if you Google it you'll find It I can't think if it off hand but it helps reduce episodes and give better tools. Its hard to say though maybe meds would help. I won't be surprised if my mom isn't completely mental if she reaches that age with her history and continued denial patterns. It is sad and a huge waste but some people just don't have what it takes. Blessings.
Naive1
Hoyt, it's good to "see" you again. I'm sorry for the reason. You give a new spin to the term, Sandwich Generation: you're dealing with a survivor child AND a survivor parent. In both cases, you only knew what you knew, and did the best you could with both of them. You deserve none of the shame and guilt you feel. Your mom chose to keep matters secret that might have drawn the two of you closer, and allowed you to see your father differently. Her decision had unintended consequences for you. People get knocked down in life. If they have to stumble to get up, then that's what they have to do. Your mom stumbled after a terrible "fall." No one is to blame for any of this...except for the perpetrators. Thank God you can now help your mom in a way no one helped her when she most needed help as a young person. Her story is tragic -- and yet, in the end, she has gained the deeper empathy of her living daughter. Lucky Mom! That is a kind of happy ending after all.
Naive1
* loving daughter
HoytJP
Patience, I forgot to add Patience. ;)
96Percent
Was she checked for Myasthenia Gravis?
HoytJP
96%, Thanks for the suggestion, I am very open to all suggestions.... But MG doesn't sound quite the same, but I will verify. She's going to have a Neuro-Psych eval early July. First time she's had this testing done.
96Percent
I'm noooo psychologist, but I think the MMPI can detect the potential for conversion disorders...
HoytJP
What is MMPI?
HoytJP
Thanks for the information. I'll research it...
Join the Conversation