Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
Today was just a day for things to change I guess! All 3 of my kids had big things happen to them.
My 12 year old son (my special needs child, so mentally more like 10) confronted his fear of the local church at night. He has refused to go near that property for over 10 months, before disclosures even happened he'd refuse to get out and play even in the day, but tonight...of his own asking...we drove over and sat in the car at night and just looked at the church. He wouldn't get out of the car yet but he DID open his door! I was very proud of him for taking this BIG step in the right direction! :o)
My 9 year old daughter ALSO chose today to confront her fear of the local church in the dark but she had a more hands on approach. Just a few days ago was when she biked around the property and was disclosing here and there about various abuses that happened to both her and others there. Today she insisted on walking around every corner, upstairs, downstairs and all around, in the dark. Now, it wasn't TRULY dark because the church has movement sensitive lights on top of the normal outdoor lights BUT it's been scary for her at night to the point of starting to panic (which she even did just a few days ago on the bike ride) when it begins to get dark. She doesn't like the dark AT ALL but at the church it's even more of an intense reaction. Anyways, we walked around twice and walked home in the dark, while holding flashlights. She kept saying "I feel really brave tonight! I feel so much better confronting my fears! I'm getting better!" I was so proud of her strength!
She also did something else for the first time which you might find odd: she took a shower without me in the bathroom! She has been able to take baths sometimes without me but never a shower. Tonight she used that braveness to take one on her own while listening to Disney music. That was SUCH a big step in the right direction and made my life SO much easier tonight. Yesterday she mentioned that an earlier "dream" that she said the monster boy did to her in the shower was actually true. She also said it had happened at both our home and their home in the shower...with the shower curtain pulled totally over, which is another thing we're working on...she won't pull the curtain all the way closed.
She ALSO did something else today which is REALLY big: she brushed and braided her hair before bed! Now one of her outward symptoms of self-loathing was refusing to take care of personal hygiene (like wearing undies, brushing teeth, bathing, doing her hair, etc.) and just this past week she has been going out of her way to pick out her own matching clothes with hair things that match and even doing her own hair sometimes! But she had never done her own hair in the evening for YEARS until tonight! After her shower she brushed it all the way through, put it in two braids and finished it off with sparkly bow clips on each side. She's starting to SHOW that's she's beginning to FEEL beautiful again. This makes me so happy!!! :o)
My 4 year old had something big happen today too but it was a combined package. We were all napping through a hot day, my husband on the couch, 4 year old on the love seat, me on the lazy boy, 12 year old in 4 year old's bed in his room, baby in crib, daughter in her bed in her room. (I set this up so you can see we go out of our way to make sure things don't happen.) The baby woke up which in turn woke the 4 year old up. 4 year old talked to baby through the monitor and then got up to go play with baby. I heard him go play and was starting to really wake up when that quickly my 12 year old was following a whining 4 year old out to the love seat and aggressively repeating in his face "why did you do that?!" "WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!" I got myself up and followed them to the room as he continued to repeat the same thing to my 4 year old. I stopped 12 year old, confronted him about remembering to TELL me if something has happened rather than deal with it on his own and took over the questioning. 12 year old tells me that while he was still napping, when the 4 year old came in he invited him to come lie down and cuddle if he was still tired. Apparently he fell back asleep and the 4 year old joined him in the bed. Then the 4 year old pulled his pants down in front and woke up my 12 year old by playing with his privates! (Parents worst nightmare of acting out!!!) So, long story short, it turns out that my 4 year old had a memory hit him and decided to see what it was like to be the aggressor rather than the victim. He disclosed that he felt "shy, sad and angry and had a bad attitude" when he chose to do this. He also explained that once, at monster boy's house, the mom had said they all had to sleep and while he was sleeping monster boy came over and woke my then 2 YEAR OLD up by pulling his pants down and playing with his privates! Then he ran and told the mom as did monster boy and in his own words he shared "(monster boy) told his mom it was a good idea but I told her it was a bad idea. (mom) said no, it's a bad idea and put (monster boy) in a time out and said to never do it again." (She never told me about this.) Brothers are all better now; we reviewed the rule of not cuddling in bed with anybody ever and sleeping in our own beds (my 12 year old has the top bunk which would have kept him from any touching.) Now, we will be even more on high alert in regards to how my little guy is processing things...apparently he acts things out again. :
Anyways, perpetrator, 10 years old or not, is a true, diabolical, evil, sociopathic MONSTER. My toddler was in freaking diapers and he was over there because his favorite big brother was sick in the hospital with cancer and this kid decided that my toddler was fair game too? My (then) 11 year old and 8 year old were not pleasurable enough for him? Oh, how I hope and pray that the TRUTH will be revealed about this family...in open court!
My 12 year old son (my special needs child, so mentally more like 10) confronted his fear of the local church at night. He has refused to go near that property for over 10 months, before disclosures even happened he'd refuse to get out and play even in the day, but tonight...of his own asking...we drove over and sat in the car at night and just looked at the church. He wouldn't get out of the car yet but he DID open his door! I was very proud of him for taking this BIG step in the right direction! :o)
My 9 year old daughter ALSO chose today to confront her fear of the local church in the dark but she had a more hands on approach. Just a few days ago was when she biked around the property and was disclosing here and there about various abuses that happened to both her and others there. Today she insisted on walking around every corner, upstairs, downstairs and all around, in the dark. Now, it wasn't TRULY dark because the church has movement sensitive lights on top of the normal outdoor lights BUT it's been scary for her at night to the point of starting to panic (which she even did just a few days ago on the bike ride) when it begins to get dark. She doesn't like the dark AT ALL but at the church it's even more of an intense reaction. Anyways, we walked around twice and walked home in the dark, while holding flashlights. She kept saying "I feel really brave tonight! I feel so much better confronting my fears! I'm getting better!" I was so proud of her strength!
She also did something else for the first time which you might find odd: she took a shower without me in the bathroom! She has been able to take baths sometimes without me but never a shower. Tonight she used that braveness to take one on her own while listening to Disney music. That was SUCH a big step in the right direction and made my life SO much easier tonight. Yesterday she mentioned that an earlier "dream" that she said the monster boy did to her in the shower was actually true. She also said it had happened at both our home and their home in the shower...with the shower curtain pulled totally over, which is another thing we're working on...she won't pull the curtain all the way closed.
She ALSO did something else today which is REALLY big: she brushed and braided her hair before bed! Now one of her outward symptoms of self-loathing was refusing to take care of personal hygiene (like wearing undies, brushing teeth, bathing, doing her hair, etc.) and just this past week she has been going out of her way to pick out her own matching clothes with hair things that match and even doing her own hair sometimes! But she had never done her own hair in the evening for YEARS until tonight! After her shower she brushed it all the way through, put it in two braids and finished it off with sparkly bow clips on each side. She's starting to SHOW that's she's beginning to FEEL beautiful again. This makes me so happy!!! :o)
My 4 year old had something big happen today too but it was a combined package. We were all napping through a hot day, my husband on the couch, 4 year old on the love seat, me on the lazy boy, 12 year old in 4 year old's bed in his room, baby in crib, daughter in her bed in her room. (I set this up so you can see we go out of our way to make sure things don't happen.) The baby woke up which in turn woke the 4 year old up. 4 year old talked to baby through the monitor and then got up to go play with baby. I heard him go play and was starting to really wake up when that quickly my 12 year old was following a whining 4 year old out to the love seat and aggressively repeating in his face "why did you do that?!" "WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!" I got myself up and followed them to the room as he continued to repeat the same thing to my 4 year old. I stopped 12 year old, confronted him about remembering to TELL me if something has happened rather than deal with it on his own and took over the questioning. 12 year old tells me that while he was still napping, when the 4 year old came in he invited him to come lie down and cuddle if he was still tired. Apparently he fell back asleep and the 4 year old joined him in the bed. Then the 4 year old pulled his pants down in front and woke up my 12 year old by playing with his privates! (Parents worst nightmare of acting out!!!) So, long story short, it turns out that my 4 year old had a memory hit him and decided to see what it was like to be the aggressor rather than the victim. He disclosed that he felt "shy, sad and angry and had a bad attitude" when he chose to do this. He also explained that once, at monster boy's house, the mom had said they all had to sleep and while he was sleeping monster boy came over and woke my then 2 YEAR OLD up by pulling his pants down and playing with his privates! Then he ran and told the mom as did monster boy and in his own words he shared "(monster boy) told his mom it was a good idea but I told her it was a bad idea. (mom) said no, it's a bad idea and put (monster boy) in a time out and said to never do it again." (She never told me about this.) Brothers are all better now; we reviewed the rule of not cuddling in bed with anybody ever and sleeping in our own beds (my 12 year old has the top bunk which would have kept him from any touching.) Now, we will be even more on high alert in regards to how my little guy is processing things...apparently he acts things out again. :
Anyways, perpetrator, 10 years old or not, is a true, diabolical, evil, sociopathic MONSTER. My toddler was in freaking diapers and he was over there because his favorite big brother was sick in the hospital with cancer and this kid decided that my toddler was fair game too? My (then) 11 year old and 8 year old were not pleasurable enough for him? Oh, how I hope and pray that the TRUTH will be revealed about this family...in open court!
Please read about child sexual behavior problems. That family needs to be investigated to find out why they're concealing and not seeking help for him.
They're a church going family - and many a church going family is genuine, but so often they're using their religiosity for not so genuine purposes... Because it works to fool people.
I agree that their religion is more of a cover-up then it is a true belief. But I don't think that it's a cover-up for something that is happening that she actually necessarily knew until recently. Based upon all of my children answers about how she'd react I really truly think that she just did not think what was happening could happen because he was so young. There definitely is a cultural disconnect in her and her husband even though he's white is a very quiet, standoffish kind of daddy who only does the bare minimum of parenting in their home. The reactions that he gave when I confronted their child or shock and disbelief and honestly confusion because he said he didn't know what was normal for a child at this age group. He's not a good actor so unless he is pulling the wool over my eyes I don't believe that he is the perpetrator to the son. And I'm 99% sure that it's not my ex-friend who's the one doing something to the kid's. The one thing that has confused me from the very beginning is that aside from her constant denial of anything I brought up that has to do of a sexual nature with her children (for years), her response from the beginning was anger. There was never a shock time period like I figured should have happened if this was new news to her. That is one thing that has been throwing me off. My gut says that it's their biological father that might have abused them before and that's why I was never told about why he went to jail. All she ever shared was that " he is a really bad man that will never see the kids again."
Honestly I don't know at this time how to affect their family other than what I have already done. I reported everything that was new in regards to the other children to CPS. I gave the police everything I could think of to show them that everything that happened to my kids was true and they still closed the case and tried to tell us that we might be over exaggerating. I've spoken to two different pastors that have the ability to enforce rules at least at the local church so I keep hoping that they're going to leave in embarrassment at least. (The only leaders I have not spoken to are their home church and their Homeschool Group.) Our hope is in these other children that we hope disclose the truth. These new disclosures will cause new investigationsite and the more the family is dissected, the more likely the truth will come out.
I don't blame RAD for everything...it's just a hypothesis. I DO think the kids are sociopaths though! I'm just grasping at straws to explain this family's actions that I THOUGHT I knew so well! I have done nothing but researched child sexual issues since this all came out...monster boy and his sister! He reminds me of the little girl psychopath that you can look up on YouTube.
Do you have any to suggestions?