Hi, Angrysadlost,

I am so sorry for what you're experiencing now.

My daughter was raped when she was 8 and didn't disclose until she was 23. Her life had spun out of control by then, and her mental health was deeply complicated. If she hadn't just had a near-death car accident, I don't think she would have disclosed at all. I raised her with all the love I could, and got her to one psychologist after another trying to help her deal with her mysterious issues, but I, too, was not "there" in the way she most needed. It's a terrible feeling, and it's taken me the better part of that last ten years (since disclosure) to fully accept that I own none of the blame. In this way, we moms are victims of the same abuse.

Because of the way most cultures define manhood (macho power, silence instead of crying or asking for help), it may be even harder for boys to disclose, and I congratulate your son for finding the courage to do so.

Some great resources for you:

www.mosac.net -- it's all about YOU, the mom of a survivor of childhood sexual abuse

www.rainn.org -- try their hotline if you need someone to talk with now

A great resource for your son (you'll want to check it out, too):

www.1in6.org -- named for the estimated fraction of boys and men who are sexually abused during their lives. This site also has a hotline, and offers an anonymous group chat facilitated by a psychologist.

And speaking of psychologists, if you're yet to find a counselor of your own, please reach out! You need to be heard. This is one of the most overwhelming situations a parent can experience. Most psychs do telehealth right now, and many can even work across state lines in this way. Find a therapist who meets your needs:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists

or

https://www.verywellmind.com/

Please keep us posted. You are not alone.

Thank you so much I will check out those sites. He is not at a point where he wants to talk to anyone else. I have tried to tell him to get help. I worry he will harm himself if he cannot come forth. He has not even told his dad (we are divorced) but I told him. I will send him the web sites that might help.

Not wanting to talk to anyone about this is a continuation of what your son has done for 23 years. It's his comfort zone. It's not surprising that he's pulled back as soon as he opened up. Many survivors even recant, and say they made it all up. A secret that was too terrifying to disclose for this long often becomes more scary after it is out, no longer contained.

Self-harm is a typical response, disclosure or not. As terrifying as this might seem, please breathe. It's rarely fatal. I know that doesn't sound very comforting, but it's something to hang tight to at this moment when the ground has opened up beneath you. My daughter was addicted to opiates for a decade before becoming clean. It's been four years now, thank God, and she is finally able to make sense of the therapy she has needed since childhood. Addiction is like a suicide attempt several times a day. It was terrible to see her suffer. Once she disclosed, it was clear to her dad and me that addiction was our daughter's way a.) to numb the pain (she had been sexually assaulted many times since childhood) and b.) to punish herself for something that was not her fault. It didn't give us any peace to know that as she continued to use. In fact, we finally had to throw her onto the streets before she decided she was really ready to get clean. However, knowing the reasons for her self-harm did give us a sense of hope that maybe someday she might come around and lay the blame for her pain where it truly belonged -- and be released.

There is something inside your son that is beginning to come to this realization -- something that gave him the courage to tell you what happened. He's not ready for the next step -- dealing with what has happened to him. Your messages to your son are:

"I am so proud of your courage in telling me."
"I am in awe of how you lived with all that pain."
"I'm so glad you don't have to do this alone anymore."
"I'm on your side. I will always listen."
"None of this was your fault."

Repeat as needed. These may help you as much as they help your son.

Also, prioritize your own therapy. You can go first. Be a role model for appropriate ways to deal with this pain.

One way you can care for yourself is to focus on your breathing. Here are a couple of suggestions:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=odADwWzHR24&t=302s

Guided meditations are also powerful. There are so many good ones free online now that you can experiment with the right voice/message/music. Here's one:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3as34aZHTCk

And sleep:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wE0Of6W_6RA

Take to heart the message you want your son to hear: "None of this was your fault."

Thank you for the information it was so needed. I am very close to my son and will continue to support him and I will reinforce he did no wrong. I wish his father and step mom would help but they do not speak with him much.
I am sorry you had to go thru this horrible pain as well.
I want to talk to my son about prosecuting the men who did this. Since it was so long ago my son will have to give more detail when he is ready. I will send him the links you gave me.
I am not able to sleep well because of this and his pain that I could not shield.
Your understanding helps beyond just a thank you.
Thanks again..

That's what creates the worst sense of failure for most of us parents. And it's truly irrational. Abusers are powerful manipulators who take advantage of every small opportunity to turn something normal and benign into something depraved and soul-crushing. My daughter's abuser told her he would kill our entire family if she told us. He said he was always watching her. He had already hurt her intensely, so what else was she to do, at age 8, but believe?

The truth is that you can't shield someone from a psychopath. Psychopaths mold their poison into candy and serve it up with a smile. AND/OR they understand a child's weakness and prey on it with threats. They may even groom us parents in order that we entrust them with our precious children.

In his book, When Bad Things Happen to Good People, Rabbi Harold S. Kushner explains his understanding of God's power. He says that while we like to think of God as being all-knowing, all-powerful and all-loving, it's actually impossible, in light of the suffering people endure, to be all of those things at once. An all-loving God would use all His/Her power to prevent that harm. We would not want to believe in and worship a God who didn't love us, so all-loving is the absolutely essential baseline. A God who was incapable of knowing and understanding us thoroughly wouldn't be terribly helpful -- instead of praying, we'd say, "Aw, you wouldn't understand anyway." So this leaves the matter of power. Maybe even God cannot prevent suffering. So how can we prevent it, when evil is doing its damnedest to work against God? It is, to me, much more helpful to know that what evil wrought against my daughter was beyond God's control, but that he could provide her with enough love and understanding to make up for what she lost as a result of sexual abuse. Somehow, he has held her together, even though he couldn't prevent her pain. For me, that's entirely enough for which to be grateful. She is still here, she is still reaching for the sense of self-love God has safeguarded for her. To me, that's what emotional healing means.

Here is a state-by-state listing of statutes of limitation regarding sexual assault:

https://www.rainn.org/state-state-guide-statutes-limitations

Even if your son's window for prosecution has closed, you may be able to go after the camp's and the counselor's assets. This is how how sexual assault accusations put the Boy Scouts into Chapter 11 bankruptcy.

Has your son reported this to the police in the town where this happened? That's a first step to finding justice. It's up to your son, but it's likely that his would not be the first report, and that police are looking for testimony from another survivor to corroborate evidence from another case.

Hi Angrysadlost, I just recently joined this group as well. On Halloween 2021, I found out my 27 year old son was sexually abused several times by my older son. Like your son, he has been holding this pain inside since he was a little boy. I had NO idea! Now my son is beyond depressed, hooked on opioids (actually anything he can get his hands on) to stay "numb". Sorry, I have NO advice to give, as I am still an absolute mess as well. The guilt is killing me. I just wanted to tell you (not that it helps any) I DO know how you feel...it's AWFUL and I still don't know how to get through this! :( HUGS for you and ALL the other mother's who are hurting like this...It's pure HELL!!!!

HURTMOM94, I am where you are Naive thank you again for your wisdom. I pray and pray and am trying to get where my son will talk more. I do not want to push him but like I stated he has said If his life stays like this he does not want to be here.
It is HELL..and I don't understand how anyone can hurt another person let alone a child. I grew up with abuse and tried my hardest for my children to not have it happen to them. Yet I failed to listen to what I felt. My son is into drinking excessive. I hope to spend the weekend with him so we can have our time to talk.
Plenty of group hugs.
Hopefully we can get our kids to go for help. Right now my son will not look at anything.

I have still not been able to talk to him since the day he revealed his sexual assault. He has been going through a bad breakup with his ex gf who did not help with his pain so I never know if he is not wanting to talk because of that or does not want to talk of the rape. I am writing him an email with hope of sending it tho I do not like it is not in person. What information Naive12 gave me I want him to read and maybe it will help him. I pray it is okay for him to read on his own since he has been staying in bed on weekends and does not want visitors.
Thank you for listening to me

Hi, Angrysadlost. I have been in the exact same spot. What could be more urgent for your son to address than this signature traumatizing event in his life? And yet, this will not happen on anyone's timetable but his own. So sending him the information is probably the second-most important thing you can do for him. The first is to maintain open communication and take a deep breath whenever your impulse would be to give him advice. The trouble with outside advice -- especially when it comes from a parent of an adult -- is that it sounds judgmental even when it's truly supportive, so it's something to push back against. What really works is when your son hears HIMSELF telling him that he needs help. TRUST that he has opened up to you as much as he can for now, and that his curiosity about other survivors -- or just knowing that there are other survivors and that he is far from alone -- will become the voice inside his head compelling him to take healing steps.

Support your son in other ways. Get a therapist of your own to deal with the painful aftermath and myriad questions you must wrestle with as a parent. Let him know that you are getting help to deal with your sorrow, shock and anger about this gross injustice in his life. Your example will say more than all the advice you can offer.

I'm sorry about his breakup. Does your son have a steady job during the week?

Thank you so much for your advice. I do not want to upset him with an email at the same time want him to see what you showed me above.
He does have a steady job but has had problems keeping them in the past because I would guess this trauma that haunts him at times. He works in a very supportive office (tho they do not know what he has been through).
I tell myself let him come to you when he is ready but..it is going on two months and we have not had a private conversation since.
How is your daughter doing? I pray she is doing well.

My daughter has led a most dysfunctional adulthood, including ten years of addiction (which means: no steady jobs, derailed educational plans, relationships with truly appalling people and a series of additional traumas that occurred with regularity -- car crashes, legal troubles, rapes, physical and psychological abuse, and homelessness).

But -- and thank you for asking -- she is actually doing well now for the first time since she was 8. She has been clean for four years, is enrolled in an intensive trauma recovery program at our local major university (please look into whether there's anything similar in your area), has (recently) freed herself from an abusive relationship (he is awaiting trial), is taking steps to complete her education and is the wonderful mother of the most darling, amazing toddler I've ever met. They live with us now, and my daughter says she hasn't felt this safe and calm since she was very young. The future is bright! I wish the same outcome for your son.

That is wonderful so happy for her and your family. She is so brave and strong. Thank you for sharing that.
It gives me hope one day my son will realize he deserves better with his relationships (his last she was not good for him) and try not to rush into any relationship.
I intend to email him this weekend. I do not want him to get into his head too much during his work week. He tries to bury his past. And his attachment to his ex-gf he thinks too much about wanting her back and does not realize he is hiding his hurt by being with someone who hurts him as well. He opened up to her about his abuse when she shared hers. I think that plays apart of him wanting to talk to her so bad.
Thank you for your kind wishes.

Please? Don't wait any longer than this weekend to send your son the 1in6.org and other links. He needs to know that resources are available. You don't need to write a long email that he might not read. Better to make the resources the headline, without comment, so he's aware. You could simply say, "Here's a resource for the 1 in 6 men who have been sexually assaulted as children or adults. It looks really helpful. It has a 24/7 helpline chat."

That's it. No urging or suggesting. That has to come from inside your son, his own curiosity and search for missing pieces. And then, no following up -- "Did you look at that website?" At least, not for a couple of weeks, and even then, keep it casual -- "Did you ever look at that 1in6.org website?" It's a reminder without a command. If his answer is no, then you'll have an idea of whether he has taken active steps toward healing. But, again, you can't make him take those steps. Focus on your own mental well-being. Your son needs a role model of a strong woman who doesn't try to control him.

Thank you again for the encouragement. I have been so afraid it will hurt him more. I will send it this afternoon when he is off work.

I just put a little note saying if he ever wanted to talk about it let me know and it is in his hands and, I will help with what ever he needs.

I am going to get a therapist for myself to help with my guilt.

You did it!!! You offered help and got out of the way so your son can make his own decision. I pray that he will click on that link ASAP.

So glad you're going to find a therapist!