Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
First post! Haven't reached out for support outside of individual therapy yet, so just trying some baby steps.
In October, my 11 year old stepson sexually assaulted my 5 year old son multiple times in a 24 hour period. My son disclosed the abuse to me the next day after my step son had left the home. My husband called his ex wife (their relationship is high conflict, but she has a 5 year old son as well so we felt we couldn't NOT tell her immediately) and told her he was insisting we do something about the behavior. The three parents decided to go to a psychiatrist to discuss what happened and get some insight. The psychiatrist called CPS and they called the sheriffs department. After multiple interviews, they arrested my step son and charged him with two class A felonies (as a juvenile) and he was incarcerated for 30 days at a juvenile detention facility. He was then released into the custody of his maternal grandmother with a long safety plan and a 2 year probation that includes mandatory weekly therapy and a reunification plan for he and my son. We did the reunification in March and my son has seen my step son a few times since for a few hours at a time, closely supervised by me. We gave up all but one weekend a month of our custodial time with my step son, and on that weekend he stays with my mother in law so we can see him, but still have established boundaries (no sleep overs, etc.) My son loves his brother and has forgiven him, and has seemingly moved past this incident with no disernable trauma.
But is that going to last? I find myself agonizing over every interaction my son now has with people, children or adults. I can't let him out of my sight. I can't wrap my head around him already moving on from this and am terrified that anything is going to set him off and he's going to be either terrified of normal interaction, or God forbid become an offender as so many abused kids do. I have a 3 year old son and am constantly wracked with guilt if I send them off to another room to play together unsupervised, even though I know my son understands right from wrong (which is why he told me about the abuse so quickly after it happened), and has assured me he knows he should never touch someone else or allow someone else to touch him. Is this going to go away? Is it normal my son has appeared to move past this already? What should I prepare for in the future?
I hope to reassure you myself, a bit, by letting you know that despite the "accepted wisdom," actually very few survivors go on the abuse others. I would encourage you, though, to follow your instincts, if you are concerned about your sons playing together, especially when it gets quiet. (That's always a sign that someone is drawing on a wall!) It will be nothing, but you will feel better, and that matters. Just pop in with a smile and an "I love you!" Nothing wrong with that!
Another site with good info, including on being abused by/abusing as a child rather than an adult, is stopitnow.org This pamphlet is especially good, including helping discern what behaviors are normal or not at different ages. ://www.stopitnow.org/sites/default/files/documents/files/do_children_sexually_abuse_other_children_0.pdf
I was really against the reunification, but it ended up being a positive experience. We wanted to move a few hours away to get a fresh start and be closer to family, and CPS would not close the case until the reunification was accomplished, and we were kind of stuck with therapists constantly calling us and feeling under pressure to get it done. They were much more comforting to my son, my step son apologized and thanked my son for speaking out so he could get helped, told him he wasnt upset or angry with him, etc. so it worked out since that was the one thing my son was afraid of since he knew telling on him got him in a lot of trouble. They've been able to move past it so far, I'm hoping that in the future nothing comes back up about it, although I know that's likely wishful thinking.
I'm happy to hear from y'all that my fears about offenders can be quelled a little. My son definitely knows what happened was wrong, and has repeated a few times how he knows no one is supposed to touch him and how he is not supposed to touch anyone. He received therapy and told the therapist he knows he did the right thing by telling and doesn't feel bad about it, so I think that is a good sign.
If a child remains too fearful to tell, he might internalize the "badness" and believe that he was bad, too. Once a person believes he/she is bad, there's little left to do but fulfill that self-hatred. And the anger of victimization, left undisclosed and unprocessed, may turn outward. It can become a mission to victimize others who are vulnerable. Your son received immediate respect and support. I just can't see how, knowing that it's safe to talk about this and being encouraged to express his feelings, would follow such a path.