I am going to attempt to put into words all that has gone on in my life in the past year and a half and what my life looks and feels like now. I am wanting to send this to everyone that I reached out to after what happened a year and a half ago in hopes that my story and my children's story will not go unheard or be forgotten. I feel very much like I'm living a lie and that I have this huge secret that I am keeping. I know that we are only as sick as our secrets and this is one that I'm tired of holding onto. I am also tired of feeling so alone. I am tired of carrying this around and not reaching out in fear of being judged or not believed or that by sharing, it will somehow affect my children in a negative way. I trust every woman who I shared with way back when, so I'm going to trust that sending this will not be used against me and will not hurt my children in any way.

 

I am also asking for help. For support. For a friend. Through all of this, I really only have been able to lean on two close friends and my mom. I know that nobody knows what to say and that's okay. I wouldn't expect anyone to be able to tell me what to do. I know people are busy and that I'm guilty of not reaching out for the past year. I will be very honest, when I called most of you, (only 4 women) I had been drinking. Not enough to get drunk, but enough to have a buzz and to want to TALK! Enough to give me the courage to make phone calls and talk about the hard stuff that otherwise I might not have done. I was self medicating at the beginning, which started to become more frequent and scared me a little. I knew that I needed to be SOBER for my children. So I decided to be sober. Forever. No more drinking. As of September 3, 2016 I have not had one drink and don't plan on ever having another. That's a slippery slope for me and I come from a long line of alcoholics. ANYWAY, I'm very proud of myself for this, but this is a big reason I've not been reaching out anymore. Drinking gave me the courage I lacked to pick up the phone and ask for help. I have gone back in my shell and tried to deal with this alone, but &$#@ that. I need and deserve woman who love me and have my back and will listen to me. :-)

 

I am hoping the truth will set me free. I know that by sharing this letter, I won't really be free, but at least it's a step in the right direction. I will apologize in advance for the length of this letter. I know it's going to be long. I have a lot that has been bottled up and a lot to say. I also want to let everyone know who might be confused as to why I am still in the same house with a man who I believe possibly molested our children, WHY I'm still here. I have not given up on my kids. I will ALWAYS believe what they told me and the red flags that I witnessed.

 

Without going back over the long story of what _ and _ said, I will say that I will always trust that they were telling me the truth. They were brave. The feeling that I had when they made disclosures still haunts me. Having your children tell you something like this, and it being their father, I can't describe the gut wrenching horrible feeling. They weren't lying!! _ will say that _ was being silly and that he always talked about butts. This is true. _ is silly. _ still makes a lot of butt and fart jokes. But when he said "lick my butt." that day and the conversation that followed, that wasn't being silly. And he said more in the weeks that followed. I am not going on just one disclosure. :-( If I am wrong, I feel absolutely horrible. I would never want to wrongly accuse someone. And yet I can't get over what my children disclosed to me. I am not willing to gamble on my kids safety by believing a man who has lied so much in the past. Very convincingly I might add. _ has done a great job in getting our kids wrapped around his little finger this past year 1/2. We were reunited after the DHS case was closed with the kids and I swear that he acted like nothing ever happened. Nothing. But he did lay it on thick with the kids. It was sick to witness. He was sweeter, quicker to do anything the kids asked, his voice even changed. He never did act differently to me. Just the children. Even after I admitted to him that I was the one the kids has made disclosures to and that I had called DHS, he didn't ask me what the kids said.

 

Just because DHS came and went and nothing was proven doesn't mean nothing happened! Just because I took my children to play therapy for a year at _ and they didn't say anything about being molested, doesn't mean nothing happened. Those sessions were nothing more than a counselor talking to my daughter about how her week went and playing games and *occasionally* talking about body safety. My son's therapy consisted of me playing with him in the floor every single session. Nothing more. Unless they had seen an actual forensic psychologist for a year (who is qualified to look for sexual abuse), I don't believe that they would have revealed anything to the type of therapist they were seeing. Unfortunately, their insurance didn't cover a forensic psychologist. _ will claim that they wouldn't love him the way they do and wouldn't have gone to a year of therapy and not revealed anything if something happened. I call bull@#&% for several reasons.

 

The reason I'm still here is because nothing was proven by DHS and I know that if I were to leave, _ would get partial custody. Unsupervised. I believe this because I have talked to several attorneys who have told me that he would get partial custody because nothing was proven. The fear of allowing them to spend weeks with him - overnight - fill me with dread. I can't imagine. At least if I'm here, I can protect them. And I have to the best of my ability. But it's getting really hard. I'm tired. I'm miserable being with a man I no longer admire or trust or even like. I have days where I will replay everything and I absolutely HATE him. If he didn't do anything, I've been fretting, protecting and hating for nothing. Why in the world would I do that to myself if my GUT and hello! My children didn't tell me something happened?! I would actually have to be crazy and need some serious help. But guess what? I'm not and I don't.

 

 

I know that _ seems to be like a wonderful man / father and for the most part he is. But there is another side to him. I won't try to explain it. I don't owe anyone an explanation. For so long I've felt the need to explain what I'm going through and why I have the feelings I do about _. I am at the point of not needing to explain it or justify it. I know that my feelings are very valid. I know I'm not crazy. I know my intuition is something I should listen to. I know that not everyone will believe me and that is okay. I know that nobody will ever truly know what I've experienced and that it's not my responsibility to make them understand. I know my truth and that is enough.

 

In case anyone is wondering how it is for me on a daily basis, it is hard. I try to busy my mind with thoughts about my kids. I try to busy my body with things that need to be done. Dishes, laundry, cooking, etc. My heart drops every time I hear _ coming into the room. I have a very hard time not hating him. I have some very ugly feelings towards him. Again, it would take so long to explain all the reasons and all the times he said horrible things to me, all the things I've had to question regarding him. I have made it very clear to him that I don't and never will trust him. He has told me that he will never divorce me and that if I do he will fight for full custody of our children. He has the financial means to do so (his mother). I have nothing. Everything and I mean everything is in his name. Bank account, cars, house. All of it.

 

To make things even more confusing, my husband is actually a very good father (of course NOT if he molested our children), but in general and besides that. And my children absolutely adore him, almost more it seems than ever before! Like I have said, after disclosures and after we were reunited with children, he has been father of the year. My children show no fear of him whatsoever. And they really do have a wonderful home life (barring that he did anything to them and besides the tension). I also have a lot of guilt. Guilt for not protecting them if something happened. Guilt of putting my family through all of his if nothing happened.  _ constantly tells me that if I would just believe him - that nothing happened and the kids "misspoke or lied" then our home would be happy and filled with love. But of course, it wouldn't be, because I was not in a good place prior to the disclosures due to all the things I had discovered / heard / read about _. I no longer trust him and never will.

 

I sometimes feel like if I'm wrong about all of this, I'm causing all the tension and stress and made my kids go through the DHS investigation and the counseling for nothing. Man, that's some heavy guilt. But then I go over everything that happened a year 1/2 ago (and really 3 years prior to that when I was giving birth to _ - but that's another story) and I am convinced that I did the right and hardest thing I've ever done. :-/

 

Confusion. Doubt. Guilt . Worry. I worry that if I divorce, my kids will be DEVESTATED. They are so close to both of us. I worry not only about the possibility of something happening if he was alone during a partial custody visit, but I worry about the trauma a divorce would have on my kids. I worry about uprooting their safe home and school and lives. And there is always that thought, what if I'm wrong? But what if I'm right (or my kids didn't misspeak or lie)?! All of these thoughts are a constant for me now. :-(

 

You don't know how many times I've wished for a crystal ball so that I could see into the future or the past for that matter. If only I knew if it REALLY happened (I still can't imagine it happening - but I can't imagine ANYONE doing such a thing to a child) or if I could see what the future would be like if I chose one or the other scenario. To stay or leave. But that's not going to happen and I might never know what or if anything happened between my husband and my children. Then I think about how I'm letting fear control me. And that I need to leave now because I am going to some day. If I wait, it will only be harder on myself and the kids?!

 

today's thoughts / rant

 

I am PISSED off. I feel like this man is so manipulative and I fear that he has such a wide circle of friends that will side with him. FACEBOOK. He would always say that he didn't understand people who posted pictures on social media of their children. Fast forward to after the disclosures and DHS case was open and shut - on his Facebook page it's now mostly of our children. Where it used to be mostly his band / art stuff. Now it's all our kids. And while this is sweet, I can't help but think there is an ulterior motive to these post. To make him look like a loving and wonderful father. Which he is, but if you believe what my kids said - he has been something else. :-( What also pisses me off is that in all of these pictures, there is never any mention of me, but most of the time I am the one who has been with the kids boiling and setting up the eggs to dye. Planning and orchestrating the trips to the various places he post pictures of. Buying and cleaning out the pumpkin that he then got to carve with the kids. No mention of me. But a lot of these pictures and fun times included and oftentimes were because of me. Not saying that they wouldn't have had fun without me or that _ is not fun.

 

ALSO!!!! Since this is me ranting....I will rant about the fact because they are crazy / jealous / drunk etc. several - and I'm talking about more than a handful of women - have lied and made stuff up about _. All having to do with sexually deviant stuff. I believed him that he was innocent the first couple of times, but eventually, I have to question why there are so many women / claims. Something isn't right. AND? I know for sure that I am going to be the next crazy / lying woman. AND? I KNOW that I'm not crazy nor am I lying. So, that leads me to believe that if he will say that about me (I already know he's going to - because on numerous occasions he's tried to make me think that I have trust issues / daddy issues / anxiety / paranoia issues) that he would say that about other women and it isn't true!!! Of course I have some issues (who doesn't), but not enough to fabricate or project anything about or onto him. God forbid anyone find out the truth and know that he's got some serious issues around control and sex and I'm not sure what else. BUT that's just my opinion. I can't prove this.

 

Here's what I'm not - crazy - paranoid - don't have anxiety that needs to be medicated (he has tried to make me believe that I do). I have no ulterior motives (wtf would they be?!!). Here is what I am - a loving and PROTECTIVE mother who was told by her two children on separate occasions that he licked them. I am not making this up. I am a mother who will believe what they told me. I will never believe a man who I've had to time and again question. I will not believe a man who has been accused by two women of rape (both filed charges - but one didn't go further because there wasn't enough evidence). I have two women (both of whom don't know the other) telling me that they know that he had several sexual harassment claims at two different places of employment where each of them worked with him. Both of these women were telling me because they were concerned for me. But he claims they were crazy / jealous $^#&%@. And sadly, there is more I've had to question him about.

 

In conclusion, this letter is to let everyone know that I am still needing support and friends and love. I am dealing with a LOT. I don't need or want sympathy. I know that there are people dealing with much worse. I want everyone to know why I am still living with _ and hope that my jumbled writing above will explain that. If anyone has any advice, I would love to hear it. If anyone would like to just be a friend, I would LOVE that even more. I also want to say that I wrote all of the above over a couple of weeks in bits and pieces. I know I repeated some stuff and left out a whole lot of stuff and some stuff wasn't even necessary. I am not going to drive myself crazy proof reading it or making it perfect. I just want to get it off my chest and send it. If you made it this far, thank you for taking the time. I know it's long. <3