Wrote this recently, thought I'd share...

Dear Beloved Child of God, Broken Hearted Mama, 

How appropriate that I’m getting up in the middle of the night to write to you.  I knew I’d find you at this hour, right next to me on the couch.  I wish I could just wrap you in a big hug and give you a shoulder to cry on.  It hurts so much.  It still hurts--not always, not inescapably, but as I choose to visit you, it is rising to the surface.  I’m crying with you.  Don’t freak out, it’s OK.  See, I’m still here!  I have ice in my glass. My tear ducts still work, they didn’t wear out.  I didn’t waste away to nothing.  My limbs and organs, even my faith, are still here and functional.  I’m in my right mind (such as it is). See, I even have a sense of humor again!   I’m strong enough to support you, even to support others who are on this journey.  Yes, there are others.  Yes, you will find them.  More on that later....just go ahead and cry, wail, scream, and write.  Whenever your brain will allow it, write.  

Speaking of your brain...you are experiencing your brain on fear.  That fear is what’s sending out the hormones that give you the dry mouth, that only allow a couple hours sleep, that have taken away your appetite and your digestion.  You now know that the phrase “scared the shit out of me” didn’t come out of nowhere. The fear is hogging all the blood and neurons, leaving precious little for reasoning, remembering, problem-solving, long-term planning.  That will all return, you aren’t losing your mind forever.  You are not crazy.  You are human, you are reacting in an appropriate human way to dozens of horrible realities all hitting you at once.  And, though you won’t hear it from others or believe it yourself yet, you’re doing a good job.  To compensate for the memory neurons that are temporarily unavailable, go downstairs and get one of those blank notebooks.  Take notes at your appointments.  Take notes while you’re on phone calls.  Get your $5 a minute worth and take notes whenever you talk to the lawyer.  Keep it in a safe place but don’t be too worried--as long as the cover has a boring title like “English 200” no one will think to look inside.  

Speaking of other people--they are more compassionate and less judgmental than you imagine.  Your shame is giving you illusions of condemnation everywhere.  If they only knew...they still might say you raised good kids. And they would be right.  If they only knew...they might tell you about the way their own family was affected by a similar poison.  The people who care about you, who have shown themselves to be compassionate and trustworthy, will respond with care and concern.  The ones who are perceptive enough to notice something is wrong aren’t gossiping maliciously, they are concerned, and they are praying for you.  That doesn’t mean you have to tell them, just don’t imagine condemnation where it is not there.

Speaking of condemnation... I can’t stop it from coming, but I can tell you the Truth.  You are not stupid.  You are not a failure.  You are not any more defective than any other human.  Making mistakes doesn’t mean you are stupid; it means you are learning.  You are learning more now than at any point in your life since infancy.  (Not about anything you wanted to learn of course.)  Making mistakes doesn’t mean you are a failure.  Even failing to achieve your most important goals in life does not mean you are a failure.  

Speaking of mistakes... You will make mistakes. You are a human, you only have the knowledge and tools that you have.  Your perception that you have been suddenly dropped into an impossible, unpredictable, unwinnable situation is correct. Don’t condemn yourself for not achieving the impossible.  Don’t multiply their condemnation by believing it. You won’t have to deal with them forever.  God sees you, God doesn’t care if you have letters after your signature, if your life’s work has led to a reputation as a respected professional or to being seen as a “case” who can’t manage her family without the intervention of those with business cards and fancy titles and human authority.  God, and God alone, sees the Truth, the whole Truth, and nothing but the Truth.  In the end his right Judgment will remain.  He sees you, he sees your kids, he values you.  Really, he does see you.  He will let you know that.  

Speaking of Truth...God also sees the Whole Truth of what other people are doing.  They are human and make mistakes too.  God sees how those mistakes hurt you and your family.  He can weigh all the relevant factors--what their role is supposed to be, how honest they are, what other factors are weighing on them, what their motives are.  He will judge them fairly, as he will judge you fairly.  You don’t need that burden on top of the rest.

Speaking of unnecessary burdens...Don’t burden yourself or judge yourself for how you “should” be feeling.  You will be so much better served by noticing, expressing, naming what you are actually feeling.  If your feelings are in conflict with each other or with your convictions, that’s OK. It’s called Ambivalence. Listen to music, psalms, books, scriptures that express what you are feeling.  They will remind you you’re not alone and your feelings are valid. Don’t try to get yourself to feel something else.  Don’t add guilt or self-doubt or any other secondary emotion about how you “should” be feeling.  

Speaking of feelings...Shedding tears does not mean you are weak.  You will have more tears, more emotions than at any other time in your life.  And you will experience deeper emotions than you see others around you display. Your burden, while invisible to most people around you, is objectively very heavy. You are choosing to carry it instead of leaving it to trip up yourself or someone else later. You are choosing to carry on instead of collapsing under the weight of it. Struggling under a supremely heavy burden doesn’t mean you are weak; on the contrary, it means you are becoming strong.  

Speaking of strength...Becoming strong doesn’t mean that you feel even a bit strong.  You feel absolutely broken, helpless, weak, powerless to save your family or your self. And you are right.  All those things are absolutely true.  That complete helplessness and brokenness is your golden ticket to God.  Give him your broken heart, your broken family, your broken life.  It’s all you have left to bring, so lay it on his altar.  He knows how precious it is, he values it.  He can and will craft the pieces into something more beautiful than you started with.  It’s called Redemption.  It’s what he did on the Cross.  It will hurt.  But in a different way than the shattering itself hurts.  The hurt of healing is pain with a purpose.  The purpose helps but boy the pain is real.  And the fear is real. 

Speaking of fear...fear doesn’t mean you are a coward.  On the contrary, each time you enter a situation that terrifies you, you are both building and showing courage.  The same as each time a bodybuilder lifts a weight, he is both building and showing strength.  And like physical strength, courage can only develop when you need it and use it.  Lucky you, you will get lots of chances to use it.  The background anxiety that is always there but seems to peak at random times is a thing too.  Take deep breaths counting to five on your fingers, in and out.  Get as calm as possible once in awhile through music or guided relaxation or prayer.  Give your fear to God.  Give your fear to God again.  But don’t expect it to go away. It is an unavoidable part of the journey.  

And what to call these emotions exactly?  Stress response? Grief? Depression? The powers of darkness? Trauma brain?  PTSD? Addiction and then withdrawal from your body’s own adrenalin?   Yes.  All of the above.

In Solidarity, 

Your Self 30 Months in the Future

P.S. Your husband’s apparent lack of emotion, his retreat to the projects he can complete to perfection, doesn’t mean he doesn’t care.  He is just dealing differently with his pain.  Like you, he can only deal with the tools he has available to him.