Many possibilities here.

First, she may not feel comfortable lashing out at a man. Before I knew about the abuse, when my daughter would be upset, she would always take it out on me. Now I know that she was cowed into submission by a terrorist, and feared angering any man. She may also be so desperate to enjoy a positive relationship with a man that she is certain to write back to him, and keep up the healthy dialogue.

Second, I suspect a lot of kids think they have given every clue they can without revealing the truth, so she may feel as if you should have known, if you really know her at all. That's one of the tragedies of this: we DON'T know our children as well as we would like because they couldn't be their true selves.THEY know what's wrong, but we couldn't. They don't know that what has happened to them is unthinkable to normal people ("normal" meaning us non-offending parents as opposed to the perpetrator) and we simply can't imagine what is going on.

Ignoring her outbursts -- two thoughts. She is still growing up, and she needs to know behavioral boundaries. It's inappropriate to yell and scream at people one should treat with respect, such as a boss, a teacher, etc. So you have to resist her pleas for whatever she insists will make her happy. On the other hand, these moments offer you the opportunity to show her real maturity, to let her know that you will be happy to discuss anything she wishes if she will do so at a civil volume. You can leave the room, if she continues to act out, and say you'll come back when she's ready to talk, only (I do this, and it helps). You can say exactly what you said above -- all of it; and add that you're a safe audience, you care deeply about her feelings and you always have. Sometimes, when it comes to revealing one's deepest feelings, it helps if someone else goes first.

Does that help?

yes and thanks it does

my daughter will be 20 soon and at times she acts older and other so much younger

im very proud how far shes come though...

the insight about upsetting a man I had never thought of..thank you for that alone has given me some peace...

I get quiet and shut down than she stares at me and than sucks up(for lack of a better word)...I feel like im losing her...eats at me sometimes and shes never far from my mind even when im at work...

im going to try the walking out of the room...gotta a feeling that might just work..

ohhh thank you so much youll never know how much that means to me

Paulinerose

All young adults act younger than their ages at times, but kids who have been abused can get emotionally "stuck" at the age of abuse. I see it in my daughter often, and now that I know the reason I am sometimes able to help her de-catastrophize her thinking a bit. But it always raises my fury to remember the reason for her emotional age.

The same thing happens to us when I get quiet, and I'm not sure it's healthy, but it beats screaming and yelling. Kids who have been sexually abused commonly fear abandonment, especially if they've been threatened with losing their family, etc., and so when we parents become quiet, it may feel like we're ignoring -- abandoning -- them, and then the sucking up begins. And that's an awful feeling, too -- that sense of our children's desperation to win us back over makes us feel sorry for them, and even more guilty because we've made them feel bad. Sometimes we just feel trapped -- say what we think/feel and risk starting WWIII, or say nothing and make her nervous. And we NEED those moments to be quiet and introspective, to try to sort through the facts of a given situation, and the way we feel about it.

Damn those monsters to hell. Just damn them. They have robbed us all of so much of what other families take for granted. It was much easier to believe I had said and done the right thing as a mom BEFORE I knew about the abuse. Now, in retrospect, I realize just how many mistakes I have made, how many opportunities I have lost to offer deeper comfort and to seek better help for my daughter. Your feelings are all legitimate, paulinerose. This is very difficult, and love sometimes hurts much more than hatred. You are not losing your daughter as long as you seek her. She needs to know that you will never give up on her, and that's the bottom line.

Wishing you a better day tomorrow.

ptsdone
she wont go as a family or just with me...she said theres things she doesn't want me to know...she told the police but not her dad and I...in fact when her first court case came she didn't want me there but her dad took her and waited outside while the ass brought his parents...I thought..well isn't that nice...must think were not there to support her...

there was a blow up a few months ago when she told her dad to f*** off...well I thought hed go nuts and our son(whos 27)calm it all down and than there was a talk of sorts...she did open up a little...

she told me she fears me..i couldn't believe it!!!!!!!!....and she was afraid we wouldn't love her anymore...she was told and is all the time(even before all this) theres not a thing in the world she could do for US not to love her..its unconditional

her brother told her that...shes very tight with him and hes trying to hold it together regarding killing the ass...so at least she has him

the swearing at her dad even though shes been thru so much took US by surprise and I have never seen her dad like that..i thought he was going to have a stroke with all this...

my anger once again is back bigtime and im back lately to wanting this ass dead....

naive1 once again great advice...

wish me luck..shes home I hope this weekend

paulinerose

I like this idea very much, ptsdone. Paulinerose, since your daughter is away at school, maybe you can research options in your area for relationship counselors before she comes home, and present her with choices of the ones you've interviewed. She doesn't HAVE to do the counseling, but knowing that you're this serious about regaining the closeness you've lost may be enough to ease some of the tension. It might also help for you to write it all in a letter for her to read -- you know, "you don't have to tell me the details, but you DO deserve to have your feelings heard, and to know that you are and have always been cherished." Because it will be a weekend, maybe you can arrange to meet with your priest/minister/pastor (etc.) as a first step.

Also, does she have a good counseling center on campus? She might be willing to discuss this with a counselor there. Avoid grad students as therapists. While they care very much, this is too serious a subject to entrust to someone without a solid background in trauma.

As you said, your daughter's not just angry -- she fears you. She needs to understand the reason for that, and to be able to resolve that. She may be more comfortable taking care of that with her own counselor.

P.S. Don't worry about "ratting out" your son who told you your daughter fears you. Tell her that you're so thankful to know the truth, that it's secrets that have made all this pain worse, and you're finished with them. Again, she doesn't have to tell you details -- she's allowed the dignity of choosing what to share, and she may still be protecting you from more pain -- but you deserve the chance to know why she fears you, and to be able to help her clear up misconceptions, because SHE deserves to know why you are not to be feared, and that you'll always love and support her.

Typical of abused kids to have anger at the parent who failed to protect. Before I knew what was going on, I used to think all the time "that little witch!!!" My daughter used to do very mean things to me n she knew right where it counted! Scribbled high n low allllll over my walls - every wall in our newly built home, I refinished a cherry table, she scratched her fork thru it, I used to yell at kids for making mess in my car when eating - didn't let them eat in my car for awhile and first time I did i turned around and right in my face she turned container of chocolate milk upside down n poured it all over her little brothers lap - the entire thing - right in my face. She broke a lot of toys and she knew that hurt my feelings.
She doesn't do these things so much anymore now that I know n she sees me trying to protect her... But every once n awhile it does n I know I have to ask her what's going on.