Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group

This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !

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mobley4100 06/09/2015

While I know many of you have hate and rage for your offenders, I find myself having more empathy than outrage. I know that is hard to understand, but that is just the kind of person that I am. I am thankful that this didn't happen with my son and my daughter (since I know that is common), because that would have made this situation 100% worse. That being said, I am completely on my daughter's side, and will fight fiercely to protect her. We will likely never have any contact with her abuser (who is a Juvenile) and it has torn our family apart, but I can't help but feel sorry for them and what they are going through. Yes, this has been tough on us, but I think their part is worse. While my sister has not accepted that her son has done this or is capable of this, I feel so sorry for him that he is carrying this burden and will not tell the truth and come clean. Part of the problem is the stigma that we place on these kids - and we have to remember that they are kids. Most have not been taught how to handle their sexual urges, most don't know what to do Again, not excuses, but I believe that education can prevent abuse!! I started talking to my son about sex and his body when he was 10 years old, this talk included intercourse, pornography, masturbation - all of the tough things. He is now 12, and I still make it a point to talk to him on a regular basis. We had these talks because his uncle was in prison for child pornography, and he was old enough to understand - but now we have continued these talks because of the abuse of his sister. I am not saying everyone has to feel the way that I do, but remember, holding on to anger is only hurting you - not the abuser. That is what I try to teach my kids, and my son. While it is okay to be angry, don't let it control you and your life. Please take the time to watch this Teds Talk video - it is very informative and has a lot of great tips. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=81hy3AZjkr4&mc_cid=dea29fc0cf&mc_eid=d02d01ad14

wallam95 06/09/2015

I can respect your viewpoint and understand the sense of empathy because on some levels I do have a small amount of empathy for my daughters abuser, who was also a juvenile. In our case though, the abuser did have significant and ongoing education on safe touch, what was appropriate and boundaries. Unfortunately, that open line of communication and education did not prevent him from abusing my daughter. I only wish that the knowledge that he had would have made him make the right choices.

mobley4100 06/10/2015

From the video, abuses education doesn't need to be about safe touch and boundaries necessarily, but include information about pornography and what to do when they feel aroused. Absolutely, safe boundaries, and what is appropriate - but I know I started talking to my son about masturbation over a year ago, when he was 11 - and we talked about pornography and reproduction starting at age 10. We have someone in our family convicted of child pornography, so when he was old enough, I explained in basic terms what that was, and as he has gotten older he has gotten more details. We have talked in depth about pornography and why it is not appropriate nor safe for him to watch (not that he would). Unfortunately, we can't guarantee that anything we do will guide our children to make the right choices, we can only do our best and hope that everything turns out alright. I think the biggest thing that I will do differently, and that most parents should do differently is to "pop in" on our children playing more often - so that abusers know that we are watching and they can't find an easy opportunity. That is the ONE thing that I wish I would have done - although her abuse was never after any extended period of time, it may have happened while they were playing alone for just a few minutes. Just wanted to share because there are likely some people in this group who are the parent of not only the victim, but the abuser - and I know that they are in a very tough situation.

lovesmama 06/10/2015

I hold both empathy and rage... My daughters abuser was 13, and he was my brother, I was 16 when he was born so I took care of him and loved him like my own child.., I feel the rage because he deliberately lied and threatened and groomed me and my daughter... I was in the shower when this happened... It only takes a few seconds to distory the innocence of a child... I have empathy because I believe my brother was Molested by his father and that my mother never did anything to protect him or even believe him... But I also feel the rage because he knew what he was doing was wrong he knew that he had a choice and he made the wrong one knowing full well he was going to hurt my daughter... He never liked my daughter from the moment she was born he acted jealous and mean towards her... She was born when he was 6... I don't believe that my bother will stop abusing in fact I think the next time he gets a chance he will be even more agresive and threatening... He learned that all you get is a slap on the wrist for the type of behavior so he has nothing to fear... Yes I took him to court and we won... But all he had to do was see a counselor... And my mother and his father still are in denial about the severity of the abuse he perpetrated upon my daughter... I'm enraged but I do have empathy for the hell he went through to become the kind of person he is... But on the other hand... I was sexually abused by my father and I was used and abused by other adults in my childhood as well and I nerve grew up to abuse anyone... So it's hard for me to see it from the perspective of my brother... We went through the same shit and came out completely different...!!!

96Percent 06/10/2015

It's a lot easier to attain empathy when the abuser is a child (I think) rather than an adult. It is also easier to attain empathy if the abuser admits his guilt instead of slandering everyone around him including the child he already damaged.
I can see feeling empathy toward someone who knows his untreatable inclination makes him perceived socially as a most culpable gruesome kind, a monster.
But when a monster continues to act a monster
His problem is his, not mine.
Wishing our abuser would admit so that I could move on to a happier place - which agreeably is healthier and less angry.

mobley4100 06/10/2015

@lovesmama - how sad that you both suffered abuse. As far as I know, our abuser did not suffer from abuse, and my rage and anger is directed toward him not admitting to what has happened, and his parents also will not accept the extend to what he has done. It worries me that they will not keep other kids safe (he has a niece and nephew who they visit at times), and I am angry that they will not discuss or accept what he has done to my daughter. Our abuse went on for at least 6 months (from what he has admitted to and what my daughter had said), and thankfully we don't think it had escalated to any penetration - but it was leading there, and there was lots of other things done. I will not know what the state does with him - they do not communicate that to us. I could forgive and work toward mending our family if he would admit to everything and admit to having a problem - but that will never happen, and even if it did, my sister would never admit that she was wrong - so our relationship will never be mended. I dread the day one of my parents dies, or a time when we are forced to be together. I wish this were easier, and I wish that these horrible things wouldn't happen in our world - and I think all we can do is continue to reach out and educated to help prevent and protect!

Naive1 06/10/2015

I wonder when my daughter's abuser began raping young girls and boys. Was he a child? Did people forgive him then for his youthful transgressions? Was he abused as a boy? I don't give a blessed f***.

SABINUT 06/15/2015

I respect your point of view and wonder if I should strive to think the same. But right now it is not possible for me. My husband's 13 yo son sexually abused my 7/8 yo son. I've been through rage. I wouldn't say I have rage now, but the deepest most utter hate. He knew what he wanted to do/did do was wrong but he did it anyway. He groomed my son using a level of sophistication in his manipulation tactics that are purely that of a sex offender/pedophile. He is a sick kid. Not a kid who didn't know what to do about his sexual urges. I'm purely disgusted and hate, hate, hate him! I wish he was dead.

Does my husband's son have a whole life ahead of him? Yes. And it's a real shame the decisions he made to do something so evil and wrong will affect him for the rest of his life. And I hope they do. Maybe my heart will soften about this after year's go by. But right now, my son is only 8. The real work for him will begin when he's old enough to realize what sex, sex abuse, molestation, sodomy and rape is - and truly realizes the gravity of what was done to him. I can't not hate my SS until I know my son will get through this future realization OK.

mobley4100 06/16/2015

I think the important thing to remember here is we can all have our own feelings and emotions toward this. I am rage filled, but I don't let it consume me - because I know that won't do any good. My sister has gone and tried to drag my name through the mud with my mother, and she and her husband want to live with blinders on and not really know what happened. I have to know and realize that I can't change that - I am only in control of my emotions and my reactions. It saddens me that I don't have a relationship with my sister anymore, it saddens me that I don't have a relationship with my nieces and nephews anymore - BUT, I have my own family to worry about and protect, and that is what I will continue to do. All of the emotions we are all going through are part of the normal grief process, and we must go through each step - I just think I go through them out of order. The more my daughter discloses, the more I am able to get mad and it makes it easier knowing that breaking off from that family is the best thing!! Sabinut, I am going to hope and pray that you son (and all of our children) can get through this and live great lives, doing great things. At least we have the benefit of knowing it happened and not learning years later when they are going through rough times and we have no idea why. That is what I am very thankful about, that I will be able to look for signs and hopefully be able to deal with them.

chillipepper 07/02/2015

I so so understand the original poster right now. I just can. I am so new to this. like 3 days new. My 5 year old son has been telling my husband about our 10 year old neighbour. I kinda know the kid. A place I worked at he is a consumer of all the time. I have always thought of him as a good boy. We only moved next door in Dec. It was nice to think I kinda knew the kids next door. I have always been a good judge of people. I have never had any bad feeling about him or the family. This is why this is so hard. At this point I feel bad for him and his family. I am not looking forward to having to talk to his parents agin to tell them what my son has said now. How it must feel to be told your child has been doing not so good things to a younger little boy. wondering where got it from and if its happen to him. Is it odd at this point I have bad feeling towards him? should I? At this point I am just sad for my child and blaming myself.

mobley4100 07/02/2015

Don't blame yourself - you have done nothing wrong. I too place a little blame on myself for the mistakes I made. I didn't pop in and check on my daughter while she was playing in a room with our perp, I didn't listen to her when she said she didn't want to spend the night at our perps house (the one and only time she spent the night 3 days before she disclosed), but you know what - WE DIDN'T KNOW - now that we know better, we will do better. I have signed up to be an advocate for The Mama Bear Effect, and distribute educational pamphlets in our area - the key to prevention is education, educate your kids, and reduce the risk (don't allow them in 1 on 1 situations). i am so excited to be able to promote such a worthy cause, and have signed up for a booth at a Back to School Expo in one of our local malls. My goal is to prevent this from happening to anyone else! We can't go back and change the past, we can only take steps to continue protecting our child now and in the future. Stay strong, stay calm, and continue to be a great parent. It does get better - and the situation could get ugly with the neighbors, so keep an open mind, but be prepared that it may not be great with more information. Our relationship with our perp is severed (and we are related on my side and my husband's side), but you know what - we have to do what we have to do to keep our family healthy and complete. I still don't hold any anger for my perp - I am angry that this happened, but I am sad that he can't confess what really happened and free his conscious. But, I can't control him or my family, just mine - and at least I know that I am doing everything I can to help my daughter heal and hopefully not suffer any more than she has to.

Naive1 07/02/2015

It's really hard not to blame ourselves. No, it's impossible not to blame ourselves. Parenthood is the most important job a person can be given. But at every job, we find out what we didn't know, often the hard way. We all got handed a much more difficult lesson than most parents can imagine, one that leads us through a grief process even as our children (thank God) still live. This crime continues to haunt our days and nights until our wounds begin to knit back together. Mobley, I'm so glad you've become an advocate. I will visit the site again and see how I can help, too.

chillipepper 07/03/2015

Can I like the above over and over and over? :D

mobley4100 07/03/2015

@Naive1 - if you would message me your email address I can email you the "code of conduct" that the organization (which is really just one great parent) emailed me to see if you would be interested - it lists what they expect and what is required. She feels that educations should be focused toward the parents more than the children (and after seeing the program that our day care provided to the children - which was awful - I would have to agree). I have been very impressed with her literature - a lot of great information and thought goes into it.

wolverine22 07/03/2015

There's a really good documentary on the youth sex offender treatment process called "Givin' It Up." Major TW though.

youtube.com/watch?v=vj3NUFt9SIc

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