Our abuser is an adult. So my circumstance is different. But I want to be honest and give you my opinion

She is suffering from anxiety because of what happened to her. It is very important for her therapist to approach that correctly. I am still trying to find a suitable therapist for my 13 yo.

I wondered ALOT about whether to continue to pursue our journey. These are the thougts that kept me going.

I am my children's provider, it is my job to keep them safe and healthy. It hurts them to go through having to tell the therapist, the police, the forensic interviewers, the doctor, etc, their story AGAIN and AGAIN.

BUT, what if, when they are adults, had I not gone through with it, they come to me and say, "this person hurt me and you did nothing about it".

And what if, I decided not to pursue it, he acted out against someone else?

Our abuser is spending 50 years in prison. And it really hurts because he is their grandfather. But my children know what he did was wrong, they know they came to me for help and I helped them. They know they have a voice and it is heard. For years they were kept silent.

I hope whatever decision you make will bring you and your daughter peace. Maybe not right now, but later.

I am so sorry you have to take this journey. My heart truly aches for you and your love (daughter). Either road you take at this point will be very hard and cause you a lot of self doubt about whether you did (or are doing) the right thing.

According to ypur first post, the details you gave were not clear to give advice. These are very serious allegations with serious repercussions a.d long term effects on choldren and families. We are here for support and to help give you strrngth. Perhaps more details would be beneficial. Your first post seemed to suggest it was stopped or interrupted and nothing else took pace. Is that incorrect? Keeping them apart seems best.

At this point I would wait to hear back from your child's therapist to report it, because she may still have to. Have they had any recent contact? Are you sure something didn't happen more recently? You have taken the first steps so you are taking steps to do what is right. There may not be anything that can be done since he is from another state (I had a friend that it happened to), but at this point, I would do everything you can and protect your daughter - but know that you could also be protecting other potential victims in the future with your report. It is never a wise move to "handle it within the family" and I don't know of any abuse organization that would ever promote that. I have made it a point to reassure my daughter often that our not having contact with the other family is NOT HER FAULT. As a matter of fact, one of our perps family is coming over tonight to speak to my husband, and I am taking my daughter out. She doesn't understand why dad can see him but she can't see anyone. See what your therapist has to say, and take it from there. Calling CPS or an abuse hotline will get the ball rolling either way.

I would
Report it... My honest opinion as a survivor of child abuse and a friend of several grown ups who went through this as a child as well and as a mother who reported the abuse between my own daughter and my own 13 year old brother... REPORT IT...!!!

She will grow up and wonder why you didn't do what is legally your responsibility and that is to report the crime to the police...!!! She might not want that now... But she is so young... I know she will want it when she is my age and she will wonder why you didn't do it...

My best friend didn't speak to her mother for 2 years because her mother never reported the abuse she went through as a child... When the abuse occurred it was her step father who abused her and she was 11 years old... Her mother left the step father and moved across the country so they never had to see him again... My best friend was always fine with the way her mother handled the situation until she saw how I reacted to my own daughters abuse... Then she flipped out at her mother for now doing what is legally her responsibility and reporting her step father to the police...

By the way... It is illegal for her counselor to not report child abuse... And it's also illegal for you to not report it... You may never get in any legal trouble for this but the reality is that it is your legal responsibility to report a crime... And sexual abuse is a crime...

I was abused as a child and both my parents knew about it and did nothing... I will never forgive them for this...!!!

I have another friend who's parents did not report his abuse and although he maintains a relationship with his parents he was deeply disappointed when he saw my reaction to my own daughters abuse because he was like... That's how my parents should have reacted...!!!

And finally... My 5 year old daughter was abused by my 13 year old brother... Even though my mom said she would put him in counseling and that I should not go to the police... I went to the police anyways... Being a survivor of child abuse myself I knew how my daughter would look at this situation when she was a grown up... And I knew I had to demonstrate how totally protective of her I was willing to be... So there was never a doubt in her mind that I was on her side... That my brother got no special favor for being family... For being a troubled teen, for anything... That he was treated like the criminal he deserved to be treated like... And that my daughter was treated fairly...!!!

Okay one last example... When I was 16 I was raped by an ex boyfriend and school mate of mine... I didn't want to report it to the police... And both my parents agreed that it was probably better to sweep it under the rug... Although at that time I was relieved my parents agreed with me then... I am furious now at that attitude....!!! I would have been much better off if they had made me report the crime... If they had fought for my rights...!!! If they had demonstrated that it WAS NOT OKAY for me to be raped....!!!!

You will be doing your daughter the greatest service in this world to report this... Even if she doesn't want you too... Even if she is scared and her anxiety gets worse... Your daughter sounds like she is suffering with PTSD from being abused this way... The suffering won't go away until she feels very safe.... Showing her that your willing to split up family, and defend her at any cost against this asshole that molested her will give her a feeling that me and my friends can only ever dream about now... It will give her the feeling of having a protective loving mother who CARES about her more than any inconvenience the system puts you through in your attempt to protect your daughter...

I know you have sympathy for this boy... Don't worry about him... He will barely get a slap on the wrist... The best you can hope for is court orders counseling for him... Which is what he needs... So honestly if you care about him at all... You would be doing him a favor too by getting him the help he needs....

My brother raped my daughter and we had forensic evidence to prove it... After 2 years of waiting and court apperences he was finally sentenced to 6 months of 2 times per week counseling... That was his only punishment...!!! No joke...!!! Oh ya and 6 months probation which was a joke... The only stipulation on his probation was that he was home by 11pm...
It was totally okay for him to leave the house and raped children before the hours of 11pm... Just not after...

But it's not about him.., it's about your daughter... And the best possible thing you can do to demonstrate your love to her is to take her toy the police office AND REPORT THIS CRIME I'm so serious that BOTH of you will seriously regret not doing at some point in your lives...!!!

Did you know that a child who is sexually abused is more likely to be raped in hoghschool or college? Did you know that a child who is sexually abused and grows up and has her own children that those children are more likely to be sexually abused as well...??? The best thing you can do is to set a president on how sexual abuse is handled... So god forbid the next time something terrible happens to her or her friends or her future children... She will know exactly what to do... REPORT REPORT REPORT IT...!!!!

Best of luck to you and please report it... For the rest of society as well... For all the other girls he thinks he can molest and torment...!!! Protect children from this troubled boy... Please i emplore you...!!!

lovesmama, thank you for speaking from a victims point of view. It helps me personally with my own daughter. Bonnieboo, I hope we are helping

I agree with what the others have said; Lovesmama, thank you for expressing all that you did, it's all spot on. Bonnieboo, I too hope we are helping you here. We have all come from different areas and different specific circumstances, but some things are the same for all of us. There is a victim and a perpetrator; the perpetrator has people who will rally behind him and support him, your child is the victim and she needs you to be the one to rally behind her. Don't worry about anything or anyone else. Focus on her. Don't let anyone's opinions or motives or actions distract you or pull you off that course.

There are 2 distinct avenues to this to address; one is the legal process, and the other is the healing process. They are completely separate from each other in most cases, and each one, in most cases, must be addressed in order to get to be a complete, healthy survivor/thriver.

Regarding the legal side, I think I said at some point recently to someone here that you have to find out what the laws are in your state. Some states have statutes of limitations on reporting--some may be short, some may be long, and other states, like mine (NJ) have none. That may be what the therapist meant when she said she may not have to report it. But that to me is a huge red flag -- if I were a therapist, I think I would report it and let the authorities decide whether it is a chargeable crime or not. Sometimes these laws are written with all kinds of nuances, stipulations, mitigating circumstances, etc. Also, what is the law in your state about who must report? In some states, there is a list of people in specific professions who are mandatory reporters, such as teachers, doctors, nurses, policemen, firemen, guidance counselors, coaches, rescue squad members, etc. In some states, under circumstances, a few professionals are exempt from having to report, such as therapists, clergy, attorneys, etc. In some states, such as NJ, everyone 18 and older is a mandated reporter for not just witnessing any kind of child abuse, but also if they for any reason SUSPECT any kind of child abuse.

But in my opinion, any of the above is a moot point anyway if you look at it from the perspective of your daughter. She is only 11. She does not have the maturity and life skills to make decisions about this kind of issue. As she grows and matures she will learn so many things, and have all kinds of revelations about how things were within her family system, and will realize, if you don't report this, that you did not advocate for her. She may seem like she's doing fine now, but more than likely, either when her hormones start to flow, or when she starts having some sort of teen drama, or when she starts having romantic feelings for someone, or one day out of the blue when she sees her offender somewhere, or when she starts having stress in high school or college, or when she has a child of her own, or some other circumstance that is out of your control and hers, she may realize she's not fine at all. She needs to have the knowledge that you reported it and did all you could to advocate for her. If nothing comes of it, that's not on you, that's on the legal system, but she knows you put aside whatever circumstances might ensue from others, to stand up for her. That will mean a lot to her, and for her healing.

In terms of the healing process, each state has county or regionally designated child advocacy centers, or CACs. Here a child victim can have professionals who can help prepare them for forensic interviews, observe and oversee forensic interviews, and most often have therapists who are trained and experienced specifically in treating all kinds of child abuse. I don't know how you feel about your daughter's current therapist, or what the therapist's specific areas of expertise are, but if child sexual abuse isn't one of them, I would strongly recommend finding a therapist who is experienced in it. She really should have someone evaluating her and setting up a plan of treatment where the goal is healing from and dealing with her thoughts and feelings from the sexual abuse. I think you had said she is being treated for anxiety that started around the same time as the abuse, so now you probably have a huge missing piece that needs to become the new focus. Others here have said the treatment often involves things that try to lessen the impact or assault the memories can have, such as play therapy, art therapy, music therapy, etc, to start, then when appropriate moving on to talking about it. Many times the child only reveals a portion of the abuse that happened, and as she establishes a rapport with the therapist and gets more into the therapy, the actual extent of the abuse comes out. It may be that your daughter is telling you all that really happened, or she may be holding something back. Please consider finding the child advocacy center in your area and having your daughter evaluated there.

Also, if charges are filed, another resource would be to go through your state's Victims of Crime Compensation office. They usually have a list of CACs and participating therapists in their free or reduced counseling program. My son registered with them (his offender was charged, took a plea deal, and received a greatly reduced suspended sentence), and my son received up to $12,500 in treatment. He was a teen when he was abused and didn't disclose until he was an adult, so I had no say in anything, except to give him resource info and emotional support, he was 3 hours away at college.

I know this is a lot to have to digest and handle; it was for each and every one of us when we were where you are at. I hope you feel supported and not judged. This issue is so convoluted, and it requires so much education and support to really address it appropriately. I hope we are giving you what you need, and don't forget to take good care of yourself too...

My situation involves my children's father. Because of what my children told me, I filed for divorce. Two years later I am likely settling that he gets custody and 50% visitation. I'm devastated. Absolutely devastated. I'm being called a coacher by pretty much everyone.
Still to this day, despite the fact my attempts to protect my kids is failing, and we are all worse off.
I don't regret that I reported. It IS the right thing to do.
I still have hope that one day people will come to see the light from all my efforts. My children will get older and more concise for one thing...

I'm glad so many spoke up to offer very good counsel. I agree whole heartedly that you should report it and I hope that your therapist does as a mandatory reporter. I wish the system was perfect and that our kids wouldn't continue to be hurt in the legal process more than what has already happened but that is the system as it is and I hope down the line it can be changed for the better of the victims. However despite the flaws it is still our responsibility to report the abuse. I do believe in the end it will help your daughter be a survivor not a victim.

I must admit another concern, however.
It bothers me the expertise of Ur counselor that she isn't sure if she has to report this.
This says to me, she doesn't deal very often in Ur rhelm of need. That was one of the biggest reasons my kids aren't doing so well today. A negligent counselor is one thing, an inept counselor potentially will make your situation worse, not better.

96 I had that same thought and forgot to add it yes that is concerning

Yes - I believe quite strongly the sole reason my situation turned out worse than living with an abuser (my kids state this too that things are worse - my daughter says "it was better when dad lived at home because you could watch him better") is because what happens in the beginning is very critical in determining how things end.