Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group

This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !

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/ Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Support Group

It's all connected to the abuse

hopefulmama
hopefulmama

It has been a very long tough road for my daughter,hell for all of us.We are going to truancy court next week for daughters 95 days and counting of school missed.Its like playing wac a mole,one thing gets semi resolved and 2more issues pop up.I am constantly making excuses,explaining behavior and so on.We recently started family based therapy,our last hope before residential treatment.Its 3days a week therapy in the home,very intense and can be called 24/7.We have had our share of less than competent therapists,I have felt for a long time that it's the way I parent/interact with my daughter was causing the problems,I continually went over in my mind every word said and not said,how I disiplined,was I too strict or not enough,I got lost in what is the norm.But with this new therapy I realized it's the illness,the depression,the PTSD,the anxiety,the borderline disorder,the low self esteem,the unhealthy coping strategies,the school refusal,the remarks that I'm a horrible mother and when she turns 18 she will choose not to see me anymore.No matter what I did it was wrong.But these new therapists see through that and have recognized her manipulation and no other therapist has really seen that.She had one therapist convinced that she was being emotionally abused at home and this therapist even told me she didn't know if she was comfortable with me taking her home.I have researched tirelessly,and I am convinced every problem she has stems from the abuse.Even little things like cursing me out because I won't let her do something and refusing to shower.I can actually see through her behaviors when the abuse started,she has gaps in memory and has not retained information she learned in school when the abuse started.For example,when the abuse started was when they were learning times tables in school,she does not know her times tables and despite me trying to teach her over the years she just can't remember,there is research out there that says this is very common,the brain can't go back to that time,a protection of sorts.It makes me so angry when I hear that a therapist says he's ok or she doesn't seem to need therapy ANY abuse victim needs therapy,maybe not now but someday.My daughter hid her abuse well,she was seeing a very experienced psychologist the whole time she was being abused,we never knew,she was seeing her due to anxiety issues and we knew the pieces were not fitting together,that therapist didn't give up because she knew there was something,it took 4 years for my daughter to tell.A good therapist is worth their weight in gold,there are so many out there and so many that should not be in the business.Dont accept a sub par therapist,insist  on a new therapist if you child doesn't click with her/him.If the therapist is challenging the child there is a good chance the child won't want to engage,but that challenge is not always a bad thing.Trust your gut,if something seems not right with the therapist move on! But don't quit!

CasMac1
CasMac1
I agree with you completely, when my son was young and abused therapy went amazing but when he was a teenager aand started cusing me, putting me down, telling me I was useless, everything wwas my fault , not wanting to shower regularly or do his laundry. I realized hEY THIS ISN'T THE ABUSE IT'S A IGNORANT TEEN AND I GOT TOUGH , HE SMARTENED UP. I WISH YOU LUCK BUT I DID GET A GREAT COULNSELLOR FOR HIM SOMEONE YOUNGER THAN MOST AND I SAY A CHANGE IN HIS ADDITUDE. iT LATED UNTIL HE WAS TWENTY , THEN HE WENT BACK TO I HATE YOU EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE THAT HAPPENED WAS YOUR FAULT. I PRAY IT DOES NOT HAPPEN LIKE THAT FOR YOU BECAUSE IT IS HEART BREAKING. I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO TALK TO OR WRITE TO MY SON FOR TEN YEARS. I MISS HIM SO MUCH AND LOVE HIM DEARLY. hE'S 35 NOW AND GETTING MARRIED IN ANOTHER STATE. WE WERE NOT INVITED. opps sorry for the caps fingers are cramping badly today from rsd. good luck hugs casey
Momabearx10
Momabearx10
Hopeful, you are one of the strongest best moms I know. I'm sorry you had to go through a bunch of idiots before you found the right fit. I absolutely agree all who have been abused need therapy and their families. I wished I had of been pushed to get it when I was going through it. My family didn't really give shit. I am so fearful of the teenage years. Id say most all my problems have stemmed from abuse. Hugs hun.
hopefulmama
hopefulmama
Aww mamabearx10,thanks even if that's not true.I am only strong because I have no choice.When my daughter is a happy healthy adult I am going to have a nervous breakdown!I am like that family member who is on their death bed but hangs on until the last person arrives to say goodbye.I am hanging on because she needs me.I also have the luxury to be a stay at home mom and I use that time to read and research and ask questions.Its comforting knowing I can help others,I feel it is my obligation to share what I have learned,what good is everything we have gone through if I can't give some insight to others We have been to horrible psychiatrists and therapists and wasted a lot of time and when I hear the damage bad therapy does it infuriates me.Bad therapy is worse than no therapy.
SheilaPunk
SheilaPunk
Does your daughter qualify for an Individual Education Plan (IEP)?
hopefulmama
hopefulmama
She has one Sheila and also goes to an emotional support school
Naive1.2
Naive1.2
Hopeful, I agree that too many therapists don't piece things together effectively. That's why my daughter left at least five therapists/psychiatrists confused over 15 years. My daughter was also diagnosed with borderline...before she disclosed. She has the symptoms of borderline, but they were caused by the abuse, so I still think it's a complete crock to call it a 'personality disorder" -- there was NOTHING wrong with her personality before she was abused. Call it what it is: complex PTSD, and then LOOK for the trauma that caused it. Assume it's there, and let non-offending adults off the hook!! I think it's safe to say that anyone who brings a child to a therapist is a non-offending adult; why would an abuser take a child for help and risk being outed???

I think there's a strong suspicion still among therapists that mothers should somehow KNOW when abuse is happening. I've gotten some side-eye from therapists when I've said I had no idea. Like you, Hopeful, I was a damned good mother. I read all the "right" books -- child development, nutrition, discipline, education, etc. I hugged, comforted, nourished, bathed, clothed, and read three books a day to my children. etc., ETC. I did NOT plan my daughter's schedule so that a neighbor could systematically abuse her. That just was not my style, to say the absurdly absolute least. I thought she was playing with his kids. But he "played" with them all. What mentally healthy parent could even begin to suspect that scenario?? And that's the fallacy: we are told that a child's success is all on us, and that means their failures and troubles are ours as well. We simply ASSUME THESE PERSONALITY CHANGES ARE OUR FAULT.

To parents who do suspect abuse, yes: trust your gut. You have a gigantic advantage over those of us for whom abuse never crossed our minds.
Bandmom5
Bandmom5
Naive, so well said, I agree with every bit of it...
hopefulmama
hopefulmama
I look at it this way,BPD is either biological or a result of abuse.i have read so much literature and while we don't know how any mental illness starts we can only guess.It is a symptom of abuse just as PTSD is,just as anxiety is and many other things.But,now this may sound strange, I welcome a name,it allows more doors of treatment to be opened.Now that is completely backwards,good treatment should not have to depend on a diagnosis,but it does,do does insurance covering that treatment.Most of you know the hell we have been through,the way I have had to advocate and fight for what we need.I have noticed when I told people my daughter has depression,PTSD,anxiety it is just not taken seriously,those diagnosis are very common in this age,but when I add BPD,their ears perked up.Its absolutely wrong on their part,but it has given us new opportunities for care and to be taken seriously.I have told her doctor to give us as many diagnosis she can.We have wasted so much time and money.And I also disagree with the name personality disorder,but.... I do believe after abuse the personality does chance.My daughter is not the same person,she was happy bubbly,helpful,comoassionate.But now that is not her personality at all!.There is evidence that abuse in children changes the brain,changes a lot of things,why not personality?Just my view on the whole thing
Naive1.2
Naive1.2
Absolutely -- the research is pretty clear that trauma changes biology. Stress raises cortisol levels which leads to anxiety and high blood pressure, and a degree of snappishness and confusion among the non-traumatized, so it's valid to assume that trauma will change the personality. It's just that so much of the literature has it all backwards, and the name perpetuates the myth that somehow girls with BPD are needy little nymphos who go looking for drama and unsafe sex. That's what I read five years ago, at least. I hope it's changed, but the name has not and it really needs to go. That characterization lets serious offenders off the hook -- "How could I help it? She's so sexual, she leads me on!" That kind of utter bullshit. This becomes a tougher argument to make when men who proclaim the sinfulness of homosexuality turn out to have been molesting young boys. When it's boys, people only blame the perpetrator.
hopefulmama
hopefulmama
Yup,all true,but I think the info has changed,at least what I have found.The name is also gearing towards borderline disorder,many professionals seldom use the word personality anymore..The literature now explained it more of an emotional regulation problem,which can cause behavior such as self harm,promiscuity,angry outburst,going from happy to sad at the drop of a hat and constant search for approval.I think those previous thoughts are outdated,at least that's what I have found.
Naive1.2
Naive1.2
I'm glad to know about the changes. I still wish they would point out that these behaviors follow a trauma, and don't lead to it (even thought the first trauma can lead to others -- it's because of the damage from the first trauma). But if it gets your daughter noticed and covered by insurance, that's all you need.
hopefulmama
hopefulmama
Unfortunately it's all about coverage.i do believe thinking on BPD is changing,one doctor asked if I knew if it was hereditary or brought on by abuse,baby steps
Naive1.2
Naive1.2
You just don't expect the doctor to be the baby!
Rockymountainmama
Rockymountainmama
I'm terrified for this. My daughter was abused, molested and raped by the adult male son of her daycare provider when she was 5. She just turned 6 we've been struggling with it all year. I'm so afraid of how it will affect her when she's older. :hugs: