Our society still has a lot of work to do when it comes to sexual abusers. I'm sorry so many are not doing the right thing for your young daughter.

Yes, we all want to murder our children's perpetrators. I fantasize about what I would say and do. But I KNOW that our children need us more than we need revenge.

You will get through this! If you haven't already, get your daughter and yourself into therapy.

Prayers for you.

Yes, I think of horrible things to do to this person!! I wouldn't because, as you said, I wouldn't dare put my babies ( I have a son also) through myself or my husband going to prison. My daughter was in therapy for nearly a year until we just moved away. I am going to find somewhere to let her start counseling up here. Thank you so much for the prayers!!

speaking of which.... my daughter has told me that she desperately wants to move on and not go to counseling. She wants to not talk about it all of the time and put it behind her since we have moved. Has anyone else gone through this? What do I do?

It may be that she just needs a break from the counseling and that I think is okay. They have to have a childhood also. Regardless of what counseling she is having you can still work on communication, educating (so important because of her age) making sure she knows what God intended sex to be about and to continue these discussions age appropriately. This will be her biggest challenge going forward. Often because of having this part of her awakened to early it can lead to bad decisions later on, it can affect her self esteem and how she values herself. These areas can be strengthened and should be by putting her in self defense classes or classes that empower her physically. Being proactive in allowing her to have interests that help her connect with sense of self. Does she like horses, does she like a particular sport, does she like gardening. They do have horse therapy that is great it can be with trained therapists where the therapy isn't as invasive as sitting and talking to someone but is with someone who is trained and sensitive to the wounding your daughter has encountered and can help build in some positives. Your daughter doesn't have in her a model of life and how it works she just goes by how she feels and what she thinks which is limited to the experiences she's had. She isn't going to think how will this affect me down the road if I don't deal with it. Unfortunately I know what happens as many do. It is a very false sense of power because the next thing that happens and we all have a next thing life continues to do its thing can sweep her feet out from her. Learning good coping skills and life skills will help her better manage the next thing.

So there is always something you can do it may mean you need to change up what that looks like. Maybe she wants to put aside the event and focus on filling in with some good things and tools. Recognizing her own feelings and how to deal with feelings that might come up from that in a way that isn't destructive. You might be able to yourself work with a therapist on some of these things to support your daughter. Ultimately YOU are going to be the most important part of the healing not the therapist because you will always be there and active in the process whether she is in therapy or not. She needs to feel like she can talk to you and there is good history of communication and respect between you.

Heart, you are so full of wisdom.

Charity7, I remember you well. Yes, I was among those envious of your "dead perp" situation, but that was before you discovered the son's involvement. In any case, as Heartsadx3 said above, your dear daughter will need to learn the meaning of sexual boundaries. My daughter continued to put herself in dangerous situations for years, without my knowledge, because she JUST DIDN"T KNOW how to read the situations. Had I known when she was 12 (or 8, in fact) what I know now, I hope I would have realized how important MY role would be in helping my daughter understand what is in her best interests, and how to get out of a bad situation and WHY it's so important to do so. My standard, "well, I think that's enough information for a girl her age" approach was SOOOO inadequate because the harm had already been done before she had even lost her baby teeth. Damn that Nazi to hell. Sorry, I just had to let that out. In any case, Charity, you have the good fortune of knowing NOW how actively you will have to help your daughter to advocate for her own safety and self-respect.

As for Perp #2's wife and her family -- people are so flipping crazy. There's no accounting for it, is there? As for your former clergyman swearing to Perp #2's character, we know how very persuasive these monsters are. It is their stock in trade, their entry into any situation that suits them. That's one issue that makes it so difficult for the wider public to believe that people they know can be so downright evil. They have been fooled, too.

I wanted to add also that opportunities to be involved with others that have overcome challenges might bring some perspective to her in her own process this could be disabilities, abuse, even overcoming natural events like tornado's or hurricanes. Connecting with others who have overcome challenges and came out stronger are good role models for our kids. Maybe reading bibliographies together of people who exemplify those qualities you'd like to see in your daughter. The tendency for her will be to try to be "normal" because that is what that age group struggles with. Fitting in being accepted is so important. They don't readily recognize the value of overcoming and being a survivor like we do as adults. I was watching that movie with Rene Witherspoon about the sibblings that came from africa to america (The Great Lie). Talk about challenges and struggles yet you could see in them was something that we all should want to have and that is integrity and character that isn't marred by circumstances. I will Lord willing never have to overcome the challenges that they faced nor my children but I sure hope in the ones that I do I can remain true to who I am. So at the end of the day I feel good about who I am and the choices I've made.

Thanks so much for the great encouragement and kind words!! My daughter LOVES horses!! That would be amazing for her to be able to get some sort of therapy with them. She is determined to be a survivor and overcomer!! She loves Mandisa and her songs that talk about the two. She has told me on numerous occasions that she would like to help others that have gone through what she has one day. She is so strong and so sweet!! I am so proud of her!! She has told me husband and me that this is harder on us than it is her. ??? Has anyone else's child told them that? I explained to her that to worst way to hurt a parent is to harm their child. There is NOTHING anyone could do to me that hurts as much is it has and still does to know that my child has been hurt terribly!!

I see several mistakes... sorry about that. I am so tired, but cannot sleep!! UGH!!

Our society is so backwards with how they deal with child molestation, and really, any kind of sexual assault. I get so sick of hearing things like "He was a good man that did a bad thing". No he wasn't! That's a slap in the face to real good men. Our perps are bad men that pretended to be good so they wouldn't get caught!!

----BTW, moving was the best therapy EVER for our entire family.

Oh, and although our daughter doesn't come right out and say that this is harder on us, I can see that it is. She seems to cope much better than us, especially me. She was in therapy, but we've had her out since September. That could change though. Our daughter is still young (she'll be 8 in April), so I have a feeling all of this might rear it's ugly head when she is older, and realizes exactly what it is he did to her. I just want her to enjoy what's left of her childhood.

My daughter sometimes implies that she never should have disclosed. It's not because the Nazi is going to come after us ,as he'd threatened, now, 18 years later, but rather because it has taken us through so much pain. She would have preferred now to have kept it secret. However, just because our children say or think they are better able to deal with this than we are does not mean they are actually able to deal with it well. My daughter remains confused about boundaries and about how to protect herself and about how to seek appropriate help. Sometimes I find myself explaining stuff you'd expect a 10-year-old to understand, because she is still working through her issues about safety and "is it better to protect yourself by fighting back or by giving in"? It's alarming to realize where her gray areas remain. I agree that you can allow your children to enjoy what they have left of their childhoods. You will also need to remain vigilant about helping them figure out where to draw the lines and how to stay behind them.