As I begin to write this, I realize I am not sure where to begin. The beginning is hard to extract. I suppose I will start with a background...
I'm a single mom. I have been so for 10 years after leaving an abusive relationship. My children and I live in a multi generational family. We are three women, two daughters and our children. We are a close family. We have our moments, as any do. We get on nerves, we step on toes, but we always try.
My two youngest children are products of a very unhealthy relationship. I endured physical abuse. I got out to save them, more than myself. I knew it would only be a matter of time before he turned his anger and disease (alcoholism) on the kids. I kept us all at a distance and the children have had little to no contact with him.
Four years ago, my daughter began acting out. She was about 8. She was angry and frustrated. She said she needed to be with her dad. I understood. My heart breaks for them. I arranged for visits to occur, and for his mother to supervise. These visits went on for a time. Things were okay.
Sometime between Thanksgiving and Christmas 2013, my daughter disclosed to me that her father choked her in a rage. His mother had gone next door briefly and the children had a squabble in the pool. While correcting my daughter, she said to him "you're not my father". He choked her until she thought she would die. Her words. I know exactly what occured. My worst fear realized. He had choked me too. Until my tongue would no longer stay in my mouth and I blacked out. My fear was immense. It still is.
She did not tell me right away. She was afraid, confused. I can only imagine. I held her tight. I promised I would never allow her to be hurt again. Then, I made the biggest mistake of my life. I did not report. I kept them away, but I didn't pursue legal action.
I felt I had more power to keep him out of our lives than anyone else. He has been out. Completely.
Fast forward to 2 months ago. My daughter is almost 12 now. She's been a normal kid. I keep communication open. I reinforce that she can rely on me, talk to me. She began cutting. I took her to the emergency room for urgent eval and treatment. I told her to let them know ANYTHING she needed to. She disclosed the abuse by father. I think we were both relieved. The case is ongoing. She remained there for three days, she is in therapy and on meds. She is struggling.
Two days ago, she cut again. I cried. She cried. I asked her why. She said she made a cut for every regret. I asked her to please let me in. Please tell me. I love you more than anything. Trust me, let me help you.
She said she was offered pot by her 14 yo cousins friend at the park that day. She said no, but she wanted to. Every tear on her cheek was a dagger to my heart. I told her she did good, very good. She's a smart girl and she made a very smart decision. She told me she tries to solve her own problems. I told her I understood, but sometimes we just can't and that even I need help sometimes. I asked her if there was anything else. She said yes, but she could not say it out loud. I gave her an index card and pen. She wrote-(my cousin) touched my private parts two times. I died a little inside, which brings me here.
We went to her therapist right away. I needed a professional. I don't know what is normal between children regarding curiosity. They are 4 years apart. She says this occured once at 5 and once about 2 years ago. It is impossible for me to gauge the actual timeframe of occurances. I know no details. Only that she says talking about it makes it feel like yesterday and that she wanted him to stop, but didn't say so. Her guilt and shame are unbearable for me. I cannot imagine how she feels. She was also very worried about getting him in trouble. I told her, we are only worried about you right now. Just you.
We have reported, investigators came to interview. The family is in turmoil. My mother and sister are not speaking to me. We live together, it is tense here. The cousin cannot be in home pending further notice. I was advised that there will not be a criminal investigation. I was told there may not be any further interview of my daughter. She did not give detail, said she cant remember.
When I asked if she was ok, after investigator left, she said she was stressed. She said she didnt feel comfortable telling two men (officer, investigator) what happened. I dont know what to do or make of this. I dont even know what really happened other than the above and that she is in distress.
I feel as though we are not believed. I feel the family is rallying around the cousin. If she is not believed, how will she ever work through this? How will we move on if this is swept under the rug?
What constitutes child on child molestation? What if it was fairly innocent, but still leaves significant trauma? I have so many more questions than answers. Im not eating, sleeping. Being strong for my daughter through all of this is taking a toll. There is very little support out there.
I chatted with a crisis counselor online and that was entirely useless. Im not suicidal. I didnt realize those things were specific to suicide. Lord help the person who gets my chat operator. Truly.

I just needed to tell someone this. I'm isolated and hurting. I have a therapist appt for myself but its next week. I am going to see my primary today, maybe he can help. Maybe posting this can help.
Thank you for taking the time to read this.