Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group

This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !

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bonnieboo11 08/04/2015

Is there such a thing as not that bad? I agree there are different levels of abuse, I think, but I also don't think there is such a thing as a little abuse. Victims are all different, react different, some are stronger,some can work through it faster than others. I ask this because this is my MIL's thinking, "Oh they are making too much of this" I know some of you have it much worse than my daughter,some of the stories here are unthinkable. I have been thinking lately "thank God he only reached down her shirt" but then I think hold on, that is bad enough.My daughter has had a very hard life so far for an 11 year old.Severe anxiety since age 3, ARFID (a type of eating disorder), panic disorder, asthma, adhd, last school year she missed 43 days, she is sick from Oct. till April, mostly respiratory related but also a lot of stomach aches( anxiety related), I quit my job 5 years ago because I had to be home with her, She has never liked school and always missed a lot of days.She has been in therapy for 2 years for her eating issues and anxiety and although it has helped, she has not made the progress expected.Since the abuse by her cousin happened 1 1/2 - 2 years ago I think that might be why. She is on medication for her anxiety.So I am wondering if children with prior mental health issues react differently than children who are otherwise happy and well adjusted. I don't even know why I wonder this, maybe for my own selfish reasons. Maybe because I am so mad at my MIL that she suggested to my husband that we sit down and talk and try to reunite everyone. My sister in law(not the offenders mother) is getting married in April and my husband is a groomsman and my daughter is a Jr, brides maid.My MIL really wants the family together but we told her if the boy is there we will not be,she told me they wanted him to be a part of the wedding somehow.

bonnieboo11 08/04/2015

Oops hit send to soon, anyway I am so angry with her for even suggesting this. I told her what happened about 3 weeks ago and she has not even called to see how my daughter is doing,what the hell! And she told my husband that I am a stupid trouble maker. What is wrong with people? A cousin, 4 years older than my daughter traps her in a bedroom and feels her up and I am the stupid one?

mobley4100 08/04/2015

Welcome to the reality of this awful issue. The abusers family always dismisses what was done as no big deal - it has also happened in our family. Thankfully I don't have family pressuring me, but our abusers mother feels like even what he has admitted to (which is a fraction of what my daughter has disclosed) is "not that bad" and feels like our daughter was "poisioned" with ideas at her forensic interview. I still hold to the idea that your daughter may not be admitting to everything that happened, and he admitting it to you and taking steps toward getting it out needs to be validated and commended. The important thing again is to take care of you and your family - there will be backlash, families are torn apart from this every day, but making your life the best you can and adjusting to your "new normal" will help your daughter in the long run. And I promise every day gets better. We are 8 months in now, and I am finally starting to feel a little better (but we are also planning some huge life changes that will help). Hang in there and stand strong to what you believe and feel is right - you are your daughter's advocate and her voice.

lovesmama 08/04/2015

There is no such thing as "not that bad"

My best friend spend her whole life trivializing her abuse as "not that bad" comparing her story with all the other horror stories that one hears on this subject... This thinking was extremely detrimental to her self esteem and well being...

Once she realized that all abuse no mater what the facts is a huge violation of your soul is when she started her healing process...

Basically any type of abuse can distort reality and distroy the soul... No mater how mild or how horrific... It's not about all people are different, it's about all people are the same when it comes to abuse of any severity... It is a horrible violation that makes a person feel Out of control, guilty, ashamed, disgusted, confused, and tormented.

My friend that I was talking about tried to take her own life before she became aware of how badly her "not that bad" abuse had effected her...!!!!

Never let anyone trivialize what your daughter went through... Anyone with that mentality is unfortunitly a supporter of child abuse and should be avoided at all costs...!!!

Your daughter has been through hell... And if you and her father are the only people in her life that support her 100% then she is lucky to have you too... Some children don't have anyone... The rest of the family is of no significant importance to her healing process... Unless the 100% support your daughter, cut them out of your life and don't look back...!!!

Please believe me... This is what your daughter deserves...!!!

mobley4100 08/04/2015

Amen to lovesmama - my heart breaks for those children who do not have the support they so desperately need!

todayisgood 08/05/2015

Ditto to lovesmama! No such thing as Not That Bad! It's her body and no one has the right to touch her! My daughter was abused by her biological father for 3 or 4 years and only disclosed to me 8 months ago - over 30 years later. I believe it has affected her drastically in many ways - one of her positions was he didn't penetrate her he only masterbated while she took a shower - also said she fought him - she says Not That Bad too. Your child has her own issues and you need to set a clear message about boundaries otherwise it can happen again. Meantime go to your source of spiritual connection and know that you are loved, relax, learn to breathe deeply and teach your daughter too. You can become stronger, better, wiser because of this - We're cheering you on!

lusks1 08/05/2015

In the state of IA, the abuse laws do not differentiate sexual abuse from rape. They are equal. Abuse is abuse. Our attorney used the following statement in our trial
There is no physical evidence. Do we really need to wait for physical evidence? Do we need to wait for penetration by this man to this child leaving scars? Do we need to wait for traces of semen?

Harsh words but true. And the jury heard them loud and clear. Our abuser is in prison for 50 years and still has another trial to face on 3 more counts.

And, we have lost half of our family because they have decided to support the abuser.

Sending you my support and love

bonnieboo11 08/05/2015

OMG what is wrong with people, I mean the families. How do they choose not to support a child? And with child on child abuse why do they support the offender? I believed my daughter right away, although I did explain the dangers of exaggeration as she tends to exaggerate a lot, well maybe not exaggerate but she is really dramatic and if she stubbs her toe you would think she broke her leg, so I had to be sure.But I never once doubted her.

96Percent 08/05/2015

Were I you, I would quite possibly live the rest of my life debating this fact...
It's the more serious abuse that causes PTSD and anxiety. You will never know just how bad your kid was abused, Bc quite likely she will never tell all.
I think the focus should be her symptoms and not what more or less may or may not have happened.
I think also you may need to start helping her break through some of her anxieties soon which will help build her confidence.

rmbadger 08/06/2015

My husband's family reacted in the same way. They are more worried about what will happen to the abuser. They see him several times a week and act like nothing happened. They have never once asked how my daughter is and how she is doing in counseling. I understand how hard this is. My children are innocent and they don't understand why they aren't seeing the extended family very much anymore. Let me say though that I had to stop and think about what could happen if my children are around these people unsupervised. I truly believe that they would not have told me if they were the ones to find out about the abuse. For me, that was enough to say, okay, these people are a threat to my children. I understand that family wants you to keep things the same. That isn't what is in the best interest for your child though. You don't want to send the message that what happened is okay and that you are not doing anything about it. Even if she is saying she doesn't want you to report it, you are the parent and she isn't old enough to make that decision or understand the consequences of it.

Naive1 08/09/2015

Sure, there's a hierarchy of badness. One day when my daughter was under the age of 10, she was savagely raped, vaginally and orally, by an adult neighbor. He hit her afterward and abused her verbally, convincing her that she was stupid, ugly, and bad to the core. Then, he locked her into an ongoing pattern of rape for a year; he threatened to kill us, her family, if she didn't do everything he said, and given how violent he had already shown her he could be, she complied.

Does that sound worse than what your daughter experienced? Well, sure -- your daughter "only" suffered a hand down her shirt. But for your daughter, the abuse she has suffered is the only kind she has known. Should my daughter just forget about what she suffered because her situation wasn't as bad as those three girls in Cleveland who were chained to the basement wall of their abuser for years? I think you can see where I'm going. All of your daughter's reactions are consistent with someone who has really and truly suffered -- the level of pain and threat she has experienced is 100 percent. Sexual abuse crosses a boundary we should all feel is clear and inviolable. Your daughter deserves the same kind of support from you as any child of abuse deserves from a loving parent. She also deserves the same relief through therapy that my daughter (finally) found. The earlier she can gain the benefits of this type of support, the better.

Naive1 08/09/2015

In other words, those who say what happened to your daughter wasn't "that bad" are misguided at best, and toxic idiots at worst. Screw them all. Protect your daughter's interests.

bonnieboo11 08/10/2015

Thank you Naïve that is my thought exactly. We have no reference of how bad the abuse is when we only know of our own.My daughter (hopefully) doesn't even know what rape or intercourse or oral sex is so to her a hand down the shirt is the worst.My daughter has been in therapy for anxiety for the past 2 years and part of that is when she anxious about a situation she is to identify it on a scale of 1-10, 1 being not so bad and 10 being the worst thing ever,then she identifies 3 worst scenarios and 3 probably will happen scenarios and then re rates it. This is to train her to slow down and look at things realistically and not go right to "fight of flight", so she knows now that her mind and body basically play tricks on her and she needs to take control, She has mastered this beautifully and when faced with something she does her breathing and 1-10 like a pro. I mention this because when her therapist asked her to rate what happened she gave it a 10,to someone else who has suffered a higher degree of abuse I would think they would rate my daughters abuse maybe 1 or 2.I just wish my mother in law could understand this. What kind of grandmother doesn't call her granddaughter to ask how she is?

Naive1 08/10/2015

Sounds like you've found a good therapist, and you are definitely a good mom.

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