Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
I am new to online support groups, but I need to communicate with other can understand and empathize with the pain, depression, fear, anger, rage, confusion, loneliness, guilt and any other emotion related with this nightmare we are experiencing! I have two daughters 4 and 11, and I am a single mother with no family and not much help outside of daycare for the girls. At the time I was working 12 hour shifts. The POS is someone have known my entire life. We tried years ago to have a relationship, but it never worked! He managed to stay in our lives to "help" us out when we needed it. I had a sitter that quit abruptly, and I fell back on ole reliable. In the pit of my stomach I hated to do it, but I needed to work! One morning I overheard the girls talking to each other about it in their bedroom. The nightterror began and continues to gain momentum! My oldest denied anything at first, for at least 2 months. Untill the younger girl outed her! But my baby was the one who was tortured, violated and abused! I followed all of the appropriate steps Children Protective Services, local Police Dept, temp Protection Order, girls were clinically assessed and examined. We are all going to counseling, which I feel sometimes only fuels my fury for legal vengance, escalates the youngest's negative behavior and the oldest will not talk to me. She blames me and doesnt' trust me! The stepfather to the POS is a local sherriff's deputy and his family hired an attorney that is keeping him from even being questioned! Because of this, because my children are so young and there's no"physical evidence" the case has been closed! This POS gets to continue to walk among us, no consequences, no recourse, thinking he is above the law and getting away with this and being able to do this again to another innocent, and helpless child!
Welcome to the right place for support. I'm so sorry we have to meet this way under circumstances you never wanted but please don't be discouraged! This is JUST the beginning and if I've learned anything through this process, it is that time truly does heal. Your best allies are patience, perseverance, hope and helping yourself to stay strong for your girls. They will get worse before they get better but they will get better and you are making the right choice to help them do so through therapy.
I too have a similar situation except my worst fear has happened: he has hurt more children. At this time, we've counted 12 victims, including my 3 children. Not all were harmed sexually but all were harmed physically. I have been in conversation with a retired SVU Detective and something she has taught me is to not be afraid to tell our story to help protect others. It's our 1st ammendment right! She even said to talk to the other parents and tell them who it was that hurt my children and theirs, so I have! We actually might end up having a case because of this! You see, our perp is a 10 year old boy aided by his sister and even though he has tortured my daughter and others with scissors/knives which left scars all over her body and all 3 of my kids have seen each other being abused, because we don't have physical proof and because it's so hard for the authorities to believe that a kid could do these things, they've dismissed our case...at this time. I don't know how they can dismiss it for long if there are other victims who validate my kids fantastical story!
Anyways, my biggest monkey wrench is that my oldest son (15 at the time), who is a cancer patient inappropriately responded to his sister's sexual advances so that creates reasonable doubt. ( it only happened for a few months right after he completed treatment for cancer which had been located in his testicle.) My victimized children are a 12 year (special needs/ocd anxiety) old son, 9 year old daughter (diagnosed ptsd) and 4 year old son. The two older ones were abused for 3-4 years of their lives before I found out and my little one was abused during the year my oldest was in the hospital for cancer. Monster boy, as I refer to our perp, is the son of my ex-best friend. I also have an un-touched toddler. That's our story in a nutshell!
The pain of sexual abuse is so strong that it wasn't for another 9 months after my daughter confessed to me that she had become addicted to painkillers that she disclosed the sexual abuse to me, and this was only after a semi-suicidal car accident. I suspect your daughters are going to go through a lot of phases regarding needing you desperately one day, blaming you for the abuse the next, as well as feeling all the emotions you mentioned. It will continue to be very difficult for some time. But please have faith -- you caught this early, and your daughters are getting appropriate treatment in the present, and for the correct reason -- although my daughter was depressed and anxious, she never disclosed her abuse to the series of therapists we sought over the years; your daughters know why they're there, and know that they can talk about this, and that you will stand up for them, even if they blame you (it's the best sense they can make of this, and it's probably because it's too scary to realize that you really can't protect them from what you don't know!!). As a result, and with vigilance on your part, you probably won't have to worry about drug abuse and suicide attempts, which are so common among those who don't disclose. It is going to get better for your daughters, and for you, one day at a time -- unfortunately, there's no shortcut.
Build as much fun into your day as you can -- baking cookies, coloring together, going for walks, etc. For yourself, find ways to stay in the present -- mindfulness meditation can be very helpful (consider guided meditations, such as those available from Belleruth Naparstek). And check in here as often as you need to -- we all get it, we all care.
Right now you are so angry at the system and outraged by this man - and you are focused on this.
Every time you think about him, you are FILLED W UGLY EMOTIONS (not to shout but emphasis)
Try to work out your disappoint in the system in a healthy way - a way that helps you feel that you are accomplishing something and contributing - GOOD POSITIVE EMOTIONS :-))))
There is only a THREE PERCENT conviction rate for child sex abusers.
First worry about your child's wellness and recovery....
Stop focusing on this man, it will only break you down when you need to be strong for your recovering child.
And BE THANKFUL since you know, the abuse is stopped in its tracks, and your kids are safe. With suffering comes wisdom. Wisdom is POWER.
.....we have moved on, literally. We now live in a different state and have started new careers. Our daughter came with us and being away from the area where she was surrounded by bad people, she has been able to regain her footing and future. As I mentioned above, she has been completely clean and sober for over a year now, and is headed back to college in the fall.
PLEASE keep the faith. You will probably avoid the drug situation with your own children because you know about the abuse, believed their disclosures, and acted on them immediately, with appropriate counseling. The window booby-traps, and other manifestations of PTSD, are better ways of coping than the self-destructive options many of us have witnessed here. That's not at all to minimize your heartbreak about what has happened and the negative energy of your current home, only to point out that if your children feel as if they can do something proactive and nonviolent to protect themselves, then that's empowering in a way.
You will leave. It's a matter of time. Have faith that you will continue to take all the steps you can to bring your children to a new sense of safety and hope. Breathe.The villain may or may not ever see the inside of a courtroom, but you will always be free to be a loving, hardworking mom who is moving forward.
Thanks for the update. Please keep in touch. It's good to have a safe place to let it all out.