Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
Sorry folks but I am feeling bit pants right now and as much as I can read other people's posts and give advice and support my own life is crumbling around me and I'm scared and want to stop hurting.
So those who don't know my story my 27year old daughter disclosed in January that my husband her step father abused her in her teens. When she first told me I went to stay with her and held her as she sobbed and told me small details. I then returned to my husband and our 18 year old son. My husband totally denies everything and has consistently since then. My son believes his dad and gap disowned his sister. My own sisters and their families all know due to the disclosure being to my niece initially and they all believe my daughter.
So realisation hit me like a massive sledge hammer one of the two people I love the most in my life are lying to me. And I have to choose between them. If I stay with my husband I stand to loose my daughter my family some friends who know, if I leave I stand to loose my house my marriage my son. It hurts so much knowing what ever I do I loose people I love. And there's no inbetween its very black of white. They are both very convincing.
I have found a flat and due to move out the beginning of next month, I need to get my head straight but my son will not be coming with me as he is sticking by his dad. I can't bear to leave him too. I know what I have to do I know I have to leave but it's so painful when I still love him, we have been together for 23 years.
I'm so scared of which one is lying to me I'm scared of throwing away everything just in case it's not true. My head tells me it's true my heart still loves him and doesn't think he's capable.
My daughter has had months of specialist help and is now " rebuilding her life" and mine is still shattered beyond belief.
I so wish I'd wake up to find its all been the worst nightmare ever and I can be happy again. Xx
Here's the way I look at this: if it appears that your daughter made up this whole premise just to drive you from your husband -- and I can't imagine anyone being able to pull off a convincing sob while relating made-up details -- then he can always forgive you later and you can reunite (hopefully he will say "I'd have made the same decision!!"). But if, instead, you choose to unite with your husband in disbelief, and then learn from a friend of your daughter, e.g., that he did the same thing with her, then you will not be able to forgive YOURSELF. Imagine the day when you realize making that horrible mistake!
As for your son, he is more likely to value your decision to stand by your daughter. He may not like the idea now, but as he processes the fact of your separation from your husband, he will surely come to understand that you are the kind of mother who loves her children more she values her own comfort. He will see the courage of your decision to help your daughter heal. He will see that you would be willing to do the same for him. He may be angry now, but kids get angry when their parents divorce. But time will broaden his perspective.
My eyelids are losing the gravity battle. I hope I've been helpful. Good night!
I remember after I told my mom for the second time, the first was shortly after he did it, ... when I was thirty and pregnant with my firstborn ... my step dad actually called me and said "you know I didn't do anything right??" He sounded desperate as if finally it all caught up with him but he just couldn't believe it.... when I confronted him in counseling with my mom right there i felt it important to to tell every single detail of what happened because he had lied, denied, minized the truth for so long.....i needed him to admit fully and take full responsibility. It took my counselor the full session over and over again holding my statement and saying I KNOW THE TRUTH IT IS RIGHT HERE, he would try to say it wasn't and she came right back at him.... NO THIS IS THE TRUTH .... he was so use to casting doubt like nobody could call him on the truth ... but she did. She was my hero that day she did what my mother could not. She championed my truth she did not give an inch. Finally .... at the end of the session he finally broke .... he finally said yes that happened.
My mom's statement during that session is "I cant help it i still love him" .... I'd like to be understanding toward you and supportive like Naive but I really hope your daughter has someone strong to champion her truth.
Life throws some curve balls but you are only hurting yourself by continuing to not accept what is. Your husband is an abuser he violated your daughter. You've been hurt and in time you will get better.
Heartsad I do believe her I don't think she's lying she could not have made that up I think I'm just struggling to believe he is capable of it. Thank you so much for your reply it helps me so much to hear it from your side as I know that's how my daughter feels. I will be her champion of the truth she was always going to come first I was just so scared I'd end up choosing to see her or my son.
I need to talk to my boy more as my husband came home as we talked so we stopped.
I have spent all night thinking about this and I know I'm doing the right thing I also know how hard it's going to be and that I've got a long battle ahead of me but I'll get there I have to for my children.
Thanks again for the replies xx
Like heartsadx2 above, from the moment you first posted here, I have not doubted your daughter once. Maybe talking with your son will help you to realize why it's time to reconsider your feelings for your husband.
Thank you all for your support how the hell do people do this without others who understand helping them ? Xx
Here's one thing you definitely did right, and for which you can always claim enormous credit: you raised two siblings who love each other. That is a major, major success, and one I am still hoping to achieve.
Little by very little over the past year, for the first time in 20 years, my daughters have begun to view each other as human beings, and to reach out to each other for support and occasionally for company. I think they are finally starting to understand how the Nazi (my daughter's abuser) ruined their relationship. My abused daughter became jealous of her sister, who needed and got a lot of my social and educational support, but never had to deal with death threats like she did. My other daughter came to dislike her sister, who took out her anger over the abuse (we now know) on her. Not knowing the real dynamics behind their dysfunction, I did the best I could to smooth the waters. Which wasn't very effective, because the sea monster I couldn't see continued to roil the waters.
To your last point, I have no idea where I'd be without this group.
Im glad that you are feeling better, and that things are clearer in your mind and less clouded after having a heart to heart with your son. Ultimately you need to take a decision that you can live with, and only you will understand your circumstances.