Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group

This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !

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bonnieboo11 10/14/2015

So I was talking to my daughter last night and the subject came up of the THING that happened.She said she thought I was mad when she told me and I must admit I did think she was making it up.I am sure I sounded mad because I was in shock but I wasn't mad. I told her that.Also when she told me I asked her if she was sure about what she was saying telling her there are serious consequences for making false statements,but I did tell her I believed her.I did something right away so that she saw I believed her.Anyway while we were talking she told me she is nervous about when she has to see him next,I was a little shocked because I thought she understood we would never see him again but she said what about when he gets married? I told her we would never see him no matter what,then she asked about his brother and mother(her cousin and aunt) and said she missed them and asked if we would see them, I honestly didn't know what to say.I still have a relationship with my sister in law but Im not sure we will ever see them again. I also told my daughter that if anything else happened she could talk about it with me, her therapist or anyone she felt comfortable with,I told her she could even just say something else happened but Im not ready to talk about it yet.Then she said "well I don't remember anything else but if I remember something later I will tell you cause sometimes I forget things then remember it" Huge red flag for me because she des that sometimes,Like I might ask her did you do all your homework and she says yes and knows she can then play,then in the morning se says she forgot she had something else to do.I have had a feeling this whole time there was more. and I hope I am wrong.She then got upset and said she wishes she would have said something sooner and she felt bad about that and I told her some kids never tell and she did great and is very brave.She got upset so we stopped talking about it.I wonder if it is better to talk and get it out or to just leave her be.It seems wrong to keep it all inside but her therapist says we have to be careful about re-traumatizing her.It is so hard as a mom to not know what happened but in a way I don't want to know.I do know that I am in a better place to handle more if that is the case.I still blame myself though for not speaking up when they shut the door,I was uncomfortable with that but didn't want to be the crazy mom but I now know kids should not play behind closed doors,especially boys and girls.A hard,hard lesson to learn

noshamefromme 10/14/2015

Bonnieboo you are in a difficult situation just keep reminding yourself that you are wonderful brave parent fighting for your daughter. Your daughter may not ever choose to talk about this or sometimes she will be vague and not want to talk this is normal. I am an adult "survivor" of sexual abuse and there are details I chose never to share with anyone. This is going to be hard to hear but important I used to lash out at my mother and say things deliberately to hurt her because I wanted her to hurt as bad as I did. i would sometimes throw things like vague details and refuse to follow up, this is normal the best you can do is remain strong and always offer to listen. When she is older she will begin to understand that you are hurting too. Personally I think finding a peer group for counseling when you can find one is helpful. It helps not to feel alone and isolated and victims feel that way. I realize your daughter is young but one thing to remember is that unfortunately now she is older than her years. I would like to try to help with anyone who might have questions that I can answer.

lusks1 10/14/2015

Noshame, thank you for your perspective. I really appreciate hearing from survivors.

Bonnieboo, I have come to the final thought that my 3 children will always have more to tell. That which they remember but do not want to voice, and that which they are repressing, even from them selves. I am sure that there is much more than they have disclosed. I have decided to always be sure they know that they are free to talk about it when they want to but I will not pry. It will come out when and if they are ever ready.

This is a fight we will have for the rest of our lives. When they have headaches and stomach aches and are crabby or sad. Is it because of what happened? Are they thinking about it? Is their body remembering?

And the "should haves" and "what ifs" are haunting and sneaky. Some days I feel like they are weighing me down. Some days they sneak up on me and knock the wind out of me out of nowhere.

I feel we are all in this together, to help each other through. Hugs

bonnieboo11 10/14/2015

Noshame,its funny you talk about peer groups, my daughter said last night she is the only one she knows that has been through this.I thought to myself,Thank God cause I wouldn't wish that on anyone but I didn't express that to her.I told her there are probably others she knows or will know someday that this has happened to,unfortunatly, I know someday when she is older and understands sex and all that comes with it,she will again be traumatized,even though my daughter is 11 she is very naïve,I have never let her watch PG or R movies, didn't even have the period talk until a few months ago,she is very innocent,and I can tell she does not understand what happened. Lusks1 thank you for the kind words, haunting and sneaky for sure, I keep going over it in my head,what mother lets their daughter go in a room with 2 boys and allows the door to be closed? And how many times did she come out and I sent her back in so the adults could talk? In my mind I know it is not my fault but my heart is not there yet.My daughter has had a lot of problems in her short life and this just about puts us all over the cliff,I have to keep telling myself God must have a really special plan for her life so all her problems are put into perspective.She often asks "why does this happen to me?" It breaks my heart

heartsadx3 10/14/2015

I held onto blame for a long time I would get angry to hear anyone say it isn't my fault because I'm the mother the adult my daughter was three anyway it took me a ling time also to accept that the only person at fault was the perp. That is where the blame belongs.

My kids were very close with my mom and step dad (the perp) they were the only involved grandparents and we saw them weekly. It was devastating to my children when that relationship was severed so suddenly. For a long time after they would say they missed them and when can they see them or talk to them it has been two years and they rarely bring it up now. But back then I would say this....it's important for kids to be safe even though we love them they aren't safe. I know you are sad about that and I'm sorry. Its not your fault and it's okay to be sad and to miss them. Mom and dad know that keeping you safe is our number one priority more important than anything else.

I know your situation is different but letting her know she doesn't have to see him and that you are protecting her shows her value....you value her and her safety. Even if she doesn't fully understand now later she will. I think you are doing wonderful communication also you don't have to talk it all out in one sitting. Letting her lead the conversation and letting her stop it shows respect. As she learns it's okay to talk or not talk it will be easier for her to trust you with whatever she has to say. Letting her know she has many outlets also gives her permission to be open. You are doing a great job. I had found a book that I haven't gotten yet about communication when it comes to sexual abuse it seemed good it was on Amazon sorry I don't have the title but look for resources and talking with her counselor will help you feel more affirmed in what you are doing and suggestions for what to do. Blessings

Naive1 10/14/2015

I'm quite sure I don't know all the facts. My daughter simply spent too much time at the Nazi's house (supposedly playing with his kids, whom he also abused) for it "only" to have been what she has told me. I"m not sure it's healthy for her to tell it all -- certainly not at this point, now that she seems to have kicked her drug habit and is looking to go back to school. If she wants to tell me more, she certainly may (no matter how deeply I dread that possibility, and how fragile I feel at the prospects). However, she may simply never be ready, and that may be part of her healing process, not to revisit every detail. I would rather she spend her time productively engaged than remembering and examining every moment of horror.

As long as your daughter knows that you are open to discussion anytime, she can rest easy that you support and honor her, that you don't blame or judge her in any way. It's the best you can do simply to remind her that you are always available to listen; she will either come forward, or find a way to move forward, now that the worst of the secret is out.

Many hugs to you.

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