This is a delicate subject for Mother's Day, but older brother seems a bit too old to be snuggling with mom in bed, especially with any lingering confusion he may still have from his previous misadventure with your daughter. Your younger son does seem to have PTSD, so big brother shouldn't snuggle him either.

Are you sure that older brother did not also hurt younger brother? Is ex-friend's son the only possibility?

Naive1, re-reading I can see how that might be misconstrued. To be clear, my 12 year old was in the bed 1st and my 4 year old squished between him and I after waking partially up and realizing he was on the floor bed (originally set up for my 12 year old.) My 12 year old is mentally more like 9-10 and we've discussed with him about how he's getting too big to cuddle in bed with me but his very special mind can't understand why the other 2 victim children get to and he does not. They all have nightmares and fear of the dark which cause them to either enter our room at some point in the night or start there. As for my 12 year old's sexuality...like I shared, he is unique and totally not a sexual individual naturally. There is no abuse going on between the brothers and never was. We approached this subject at the very beginning because of our disbelief that it could be this child. We are not at all dismissing this possibility just it's been confirmed through all our children as well as their actions/disclosures/behaviors/recollections etc that it was this monster boy who hurt my 3 middles but my oldest (16) and daughter (9) were mutually intertangled for a short time before disclosures began.

Thanks for being blunt enough to verify because I'm sure some would not have thought through that approach. I wish my 12 year old was an easy conversationalist but he has a difficulty expressing, communicating, comprehending and accepting what is said to him. His OCD makes it that much harder to get him to stop certain patterns, i.e. cuddling in bed specifically feeling my feet with his feet when he's scared.

Monster-boy is the only possibility and has been named numerous times by my 4 year old when he's in brave mode. Thanks for validating my thoughts on his emotional state! I really appreciate outside viewpoints.

Thank you for taking time to clarify this situation. I've had trouble keeping your family "map" straight in my mind. I thought your 12-year-old was the oldest, who had been through cancer.

I understand how difficult it can be to communicate others' needs to someone with special needs. The accommodations we make to allow them to feel safe and loved also may not feel fair to their siblings who need mommy time. It's so complicated.

This steady unveiling of the damage done is just agony. Grab the good moments and enjoy them as much as you can. Keep working on building the good memories for your kids, and on building their relationships so they know they are in a circle of trust. It is truly ALL we can control -- and it's a lot.

Naive1, my 12 year old DID have a life-threatening disease when he was 4...bone marrow disease called aplastic anemia. Our children are a little confusing, sorry. ;)

Well I will comment on the ptsd ... My daughter also had strong reactions to older "grandpa" types as well as with my non-offending husband she was just three when the last episode of sexual abuse took place at grandparents house. My daughter would be alarmed about many things even my husband putting his arms around me. None of us could cuddle her or touch her at all if she was next to us in bed. She refused and still will often refuse to be covered by blankets. Once she freaked out on my husband when he came in to check on her at night. My daughter's sense of safety was severly affected and her distinction between safe people and unsafe people was also disrupted. Especially because it was a trusted person "grandpa" that abused her. My daughter acted out a Lot and honestly I was afraid or didn't know how to parent thru what to me were clear signs of distress. I didn't want to add any further harm. We did a year of parent child interactive therapy that helped me and my husband first rebuild our relationship with her and then we added in the discipline aspect and once again I had control in the home. I also used the discipline methods with the other kids and things I learned were very helpful. Most of my daughter's symptoms cleared up during that time and I worked with a trauma specialist in the last few and building up her tools for dealing with nightmares, memories, or triggers. She's done alot of work. All of this has benefited all the kids not just her.

Be patient with your 4 year old and respect his boundaries. He needs to know that his "no" is heard. Even if there isn't a threat ... Because whether he verbalize no or was unable too his body was saying no and that wasn't being listened too. He needs to know he is safe and will be heard. Even if it hurts someone's feelings it's okay to say no with regard to personal space. That goes for everyone. We changed a Lot and did a Lot of work on body boundaries with my kids. It was hard. They change separately, bathe separately etc. They are 8,7,5 now.

Also as a survivor myself I would strongly caution on placing any blame on your nine year old girl. It doesn't matter what she did or thought she wanted it wasn't her fault. Be very clear to her. Nine is very different from sixteen and I could easily see your daughter taking on blame that isn't hers to lessen responsibility of the sixteen year old. No matter how we dress or behave it does not give someone the right to abuse. Don't add to that idea. It could be very damaging. You may think you have all the facts with regards to them but she maybe with holding or allowing you to believe one way to protect her brother. It is very common for the victim to protect the abuser especially if it is family. I'm sure you know this and you have worked thru it in counseling. As a survivor one of the things I had to do was assign responsibility and it wasn't mine period.