Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
My sons therapist told me that he Needed to meet face to face with his perp in order to move on. She also told me that he has been ready for this for a while and she doesn't understand why we have waited this long, and while she didn't come out and say it directly, it felt like to me she was saying that I was hurting my son by not letting the perp around. I told her that my son was real emotional lately, either getting really angry or crying for no reason, and she said that after reunification those behaviors would likely go away. I told her that I was against all of this, and she told me that she understands my concerns but it is completely ridiculous for my son to think of his brother as a monster because of what he has done. I told her that I absolutely hated the perp/step-son, and she said I need to work through those feelings. I'm just not understanding her reasoning here. She says she has worked with over 100 kids with the same issues/situation and in every case the victim was worse off when the family member/perp was removed from their life. I honestly felt like she was just telling me reunification is the only way to help my son move on from this. And part of me wants to tell her she is completely stupid but the other part believes her. I'm torn because I really only have two options. The first is reunification. The second option is packing me and my kids up and leaving. Since we all live in the same town, it would mean making my kids change schools. Then I would also have to worry about visitation and them being around the perp when I'm not there to watch. I really am stuck because I just can't pull my kids out of their schools. My daughter is 13 and has so much going for her. And my middle son is autistic so disrupting his normal would be quite traumatic. But then I'm also dealing with the fact that my husband is worried about how I will treat the perp. My response was laughter followed by telling him that I hate him and I can't guarantee I wont be hateful to him. I mean he knows I dont want him around yet he is pushing for it so what the hell does he expect? Grrrr....it make my blood boil just thinking about that argument.
I just don't know what to do and I don't know if I even have the energy to fight anymore. Every professional we have talked to says we need to do reunification. But everything I read says the opposite. I just want my kids to be safe.
I just don't know what to do and I don't know if I even have the energy to fight anymore. Every professional we have talked to says we need to do reunification. But everything I read says the opposite. I just want my kids to be safe.
I really have no idea how reunification works, as it's not an issue in our situation, but here's another thing to consider. Maybe those 100 instances of reunification she has overseen have actually been 100 instances of malpractice (or less). She may simply believe that this is a must, a necessary step to move on. Maybe it is, but given your sense of being backed into a corner, it sounds as if she's being a bit of a bully. That's my personal take on this; if my therapist said I HAD to do something that made me emotionally uncomfortable (and consider uprooting my entire family as the only alternative??), I might think this was more HER issue than mine.
Do not spend those two cents all at once.
If your child didn't like another child at school, was bullied by them or worse sexually abused by them I can't imagine your child would have to have a relationship with them. But yet because your children are blood related they MUST reunify? There have been some reunifications with families here where the child reoffended when brought back into the family. So your counselor doesn't have her facts straight.
Tell that counselor that your step son can come and live with her family first to see how he does and maybe then you would consider it. Ha! You know that would never happen in a million years! If you don't feel ready for reunification then you shouldn't have to do it.
I am so sorry that you feel pressured in this way. If your gut tells you not to let this kid around your children then don't allow it , end of story!
Laura
His step brother can write him an apology letter, there doesn't need to be a face to face apology session if you believe that it would traumatize your son more.
Reunification is a falacy in the world of incest and will undoubetly make the situation worse 100% of the time for the abused. Children who have been abused by somebody so close to them will never just be able to move forward being around their abuser.
Sorry to be negative but I think you need to look out for your little one and now the message you must send is that they are the most important.
You say the most important thing to you is keeping your children safe and I agree now it should be protect them from any further abuse. Don't make them ever have to look in the face of the abuser, I assure you everybody will be better off.
Warriormama, if I'm off point in any of my post here, please point it out. I think you have the very distinct position of both abused and abuser and I want to know if you feel I'm giving the wrong advice.
Good Luck,
Tom
http://www.mosac.net/default.asp?pageid=98
I believe that you truly can shed light on this since you have watched your wife suffer for years because she continued to see her abuser and her family refused to acknowledge the damage that he had caused her. To my daughter's 4 year old self she saw my son as a hero and then as a monster. The damage done to her could not be repaired with her brother in her life.
Unless a therapist has been in my shoes as a survivor, mother to a survivor and mother to a offender I would have to go with what I think is best for my child, not what they think is best for my child. I feel very fortunate that we had therapists who had worked extensively with survivors and offenders and knew the games that abusers play.
It is so good to hear your voice on here again, Tom!!
Laura
The counselor should respect how you feel about this. You are still the parent and you have always had his best interests at heart. Any professional should welcome your input and be open to discussing the goals of his treatment. I don't always agree with my daughter's counselor but she has always respected my opinion.
Praying for an answer for you.
Of course if YOU say they wont be around each other anymore, then YOU are the one protecting him thank you very much and YOU say He does NOT have to face the perp no matter what they say.
You have to be strong on your own and stop listening to these morons.
Common sense tells you to get this perp out of his life...
der.
Nothing else even makes common sense???
Peace to you and your family.