I feel for you. I totally understand about the things I've not felt comfortable with and not speaking up for fear of rocking the boat or sounding crazy. My husband used to whisper and growl in kids ears and they would do it back to him and this made me SUPER uncomfortable because this was something he would do to me which was like foreplay (Ugh - I shudder to think now) and I always kept quiet because the kids seemed to love it (obviously - it feels good) and I didn't want to explain WHY it made me uncomfortable. Also I get the not liking making kids hug or kiss relatives. I HATE this so much. If they don't feel like doing it - don't make them. This doesn't teach them healthy boundaries for so many reasons!! But my husband would always guilt kids into hugging / kissing their Mimi. She would guilt them too. I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree! Anyway, hope your day is going better. I'm sure their is a little tension now that you have spoken the truth about how you feel. But good for you for speaking up. And I don't blame you for feeling any of these ways. I think everyone should be more concerned and while we don't want to be paranoid, we should be aware and take steps to make sure nothing COULD happen. Adults should make sure doors are left open and that kids know they are being checked up on and watched. HUGS to you. Don't feel bad for saying what you feel to your husband. And glad you vented!! :-)

Always feel free to vent here and say what you are feeling no matter what it is. Many times we can't do that or let people know what we are really going through for a variety of reasons in our "real" lives. There aren't many people other than my counselor that I can tell most things too and some times when I have shared something with someone, I have got comments about how I should feel or how they say they would handle things etc. and the old saying about if you haven't walked in my shoes really is true. We all understand here and support each other.

It's okay. Most fathers (non-offending) of survivors seem to "move on" and leave us moms swimming alone in our sense of failure. It's not wrong to point out that it feels unfair and that it's still a heavy burden, especially when YOU are the one making and attending the appointments, when YOU are the one calling the schools, and YOU are the one present for the meltdowns.....

Dear Hopefulmama: I personally do not feel that you said "the unthinkable". The "unthinkable" was to have your child abused by a relative. Not to tell your husband how you are feeling. That seems really normal to me, and it is a part of your effort to put the puzzle pieces together. You are trying to understand how could your child be abused with you next door. I have been through the same: my two baby boys were abused in my in-laws, which I have known for more than a decade. She (my MIL) was an extremely pious, religious person who apparently loved to read books to my babies and to teach them to pray. The tidiest, most responsible and altruist person anyone could ever imagine. She was also a rather moody, dark person (always a bad face, complaining about everything) but she only showed that face to us, close family members. Well, she raped my children along with his husband (my FIL). They lived on our same building, just different floors. Well, when the abuse was revealed, first by my eldest and later on by my second child, I immediately felt my husband was to blame too. That was for a simple reason: every time I needed his support (I had three babies under 3 at the time, and still worked part time) he would take the babies against my will and let them with my in-laws. When I said against my will, this means I would prefer the father to help me, in our home, and not to "disturb" my in-laws, who are elder people. It was just that, not that I did not trust - completely - them, and especially my mother in law and my sister in law who is a doctor and lived with them at the time. Well, my in-laws took every chance they had to do not only perverted, but also sadistic things to my babies (sadistic is a word I learnt from our children psychologists and the police). My husband went nuts when I accused him (unwillingly, of course) of facilitating the abuse through his selfishness (let them help us with bath time, etc.). When I saw that he felt absolutely no remorse for his attitude, I kept on insisting (bravely, in my mind) until he finally realized, from deep in is heart - that my vulnerability as a mother of three babies (fostered by his selfishness) facilitated the abuses by those two predators. Has he any direct responsibility in the abuses? Of course not, he did not know who his parents were. I swear, they are the Sanduskys of my country, you would adore them if you knew my parents-in-law. She, generous and hard working, him, so nice, friendly, always willing to help with his grandchildren. to make a long story short: today I do not blame (at least openly) my husband anymore, but his indirect role in the issue has been clarified, and I find this fair and necessary. So, once again, Hopefulmama, do not blame yourself for venting out, you need to say this, and your husband need to hear it too.

I have looked at this post several times and started to reply and then not be able to go through with it. On one hand I think that it was good that you get these feelings off your chest. On the other hand, I know what it feels like to have blame placed for parental misjudgment. I've actually been on both sides. Firstly, I felt anger that my neighbors did not monitor our children closely as I had requested. Secondly, my husband said to me that he didn't understand why I took chances on the kids being allowed contact after the first suspicions. This compounded the guilt that I was already feeling and has made me feel completely isolated from my husband on this issue. I never talk to him about my guilty feelings or emotional struggles because I feel that he will not have any sympathy for me. Ultimately, we all have to remember that the person to blame is the person who committed the crime. Other may have made mistakes, but they were mistakes born in compassion and optimism.

Hello FakeFruit! You are perfectly right: the only person to blame is the person who committed the crime. None of the others are to blame, no matter what. I had to vent out me feelings with my husband because he fed, in several ways, the vulnerability of our home (he had a really difficult time adapting to being a father of three babies/toddlers). That is something predators always spot: the mothers' vulnerability. I just needed hands, more hands, to simple "handle" my babies (when I was giving a bath to one, the other was crying or jumping out of his crib hitting his small head > run to the emergency for a scan, etc). This is when my in -laws came home, with a cake (literally) in one hand and their offer to help their "beloved grandchildren" on the other. I accepted. I used to love my four grandparents, both from my mother and my father's sides, they were just awesome. I had no idea elderly people could do that. By the way, I have some news to share to those who know my case (I have been posting here since, I believe, two and a half years ago). The problem is, the system does not allow me to create my own post, I am only enabled to comment on others, which is not nice… I will try to answer in Naive's posts, I consider her a friend, an angel who supported me so well and with so much wisdom in the past. You are not to blame, to the contrary, you saved your kids, Fruit! Hugs!

ThreeMusketeers, you are so kind to say that. I consider you a friend as well. :D Have you been in touch with DS help? You deserve to be able to create your own posts.

Dear Naive :D I have contacted the DS technical support team through in several occasions and I have never received any answer from them. This is so frustrating. Sorry to go off topic in this post, but I wanted to tell you that yesterday was a "glorious" day to me (I cannot find another word for what I felt): I went to our attorneys and signed a petition for the immediate start of the sentence execution (10 years) for our children's main abuser (FIL). This is something that can be done in my country, to accelerate the incarceration process once the sentence has been confirmed and confirmed and confirmed again and the only remaining appeal is the Supreme Court. He can still appeal in the Supreme Court (his lawyer did this already) but there is no reason why he should be still free and wandering around, putting other kids at risk. So the district attorney is now formalizing the start of the sentence execution, which should happen within a few months (nothing compared to the three years we had to wait for this moment). I felt as I was, myself, physically placing the abuser in jail and closing the doors in his face. I could feel the fear in his eyes, and I remembered the many times he and his wife closed the doors and stayed with our paralyzed children, who knew the worse was coming for them. Now that door will be closed for him, and believe me, in my country, the worse happens to child rapists. He threatened to kill me when I and my husband confronted him and his wife, and I was really scared, I must confess. He had so many illegal weapons that the police discovered when they rallied their home (and we did not know of those weapons he was hiding there! he seemed such an innocent and dear old grandaddy!). My signing this petition for immediate incarceration was so empowering. I encourage EVERBODY to press charges, and to not give up, until justice is done.

I think I'm mad because he should have known,this is his family!I know that is irrational,of course if he k ew he would have stopped it.But I'm mad anyway.He knew his brother was messed up so he should have kept his brothers son away from our daughter.He should have insisted that playroom door be open.He should have told his mother to f off.I know deep down this is not his fault,how could he have known but I'm just so hurt and angry.