You have to do what U will be able to live with
The system is utterly disappointing

I would press charges...!!! The chances of you guys having to go to trial are slim to non... Your sister in law is remorseful and the punishment they will ask for will be responsible... Even in cases like mine where my mother was in denial and my brother was not admitting to his abuses they take the settlement... My daughter did not have to testify as we took the settlement, because the punishment was the same if we settled or if we went to trial... So there was no question... We took the settlement... I can almost be certain that your sister in law would be more than willing to settle and then your daughter would never have to testify... My brother was 13 as well when he abused my daughter! The court was in our state, not his... I'm not sure why the detective would say you would have to go to his state, but i don't think that is correct. Court should be in your state or in the state the abuse took place... It is not supposed to be convenient for the perp... That is just crazy...!!!

I took my daughter to every court hearing that my brother was supposed to be at so that she got
Used to being in a court room and she got comfortable with the setting incase she had to testify, which she never did... But we always went and sat there with her support system, me
And my best friend by her side. She was 6 almost 7 by the time we where in court and she was quite comfortable with the whole thing... She was in counseling and so was I so we had outside support through this process....

But I do believe that you should press charges and I also believe that your daughter will not have to testify because it will probably never go to trial...

However is it does go to trial and she does have to testify, it maybe retraumatizing in the moment it is happening but the power she will get from standing up for herself and speaking her truth will do more good than harm and she will benefit from speaking out for herself... This will make her stronger not weaker... This will give her confidence and she will have a better chance at life knowing that she did all she could to seek justice for herself...!!! I say this in the voice of a abuse survivor myself, I would give anything to have been given the chance to bring my abusers to court and to speak my truth and fight for justice... She is young now but one day she will be all grown up, and this experience will be empowering for her...!!! She will survive the initial trauma of having to testify and she will come out stronger because of it...!!!

So either way it is a win win for you to press charges... You must send the message to your daughter that no one is aloud to violate her and get away with it!!! And you must send the message to this troubled young man, that violating people is unexceptable intolerable and against the law...!!! These are two VERY IMPORTANT messages that must be sent!!!

lovesmama if you dont mind me asking what settlement do they give?

I'm also confused by the term "settlement." Do you mean plea bargain? To me, the term "settlement" is what is used in civil cases. Correct me if I'm wrong.

I'd love to find statistics on how many plea bargain rather than go to trial.

My concern is I am going to put my daughter through all of that for a plea bargain?What is the worst that will happen? Therapy? Some of your children have had horrendous things happen and what did the perps get? Nothing,it disgusts me that these sick people are not punished.I want to teach my daughter that she has to stand up for what is right but how do I explain to her if he gets off with nothing,we all know our justice system is severely broken at times, She knows her father and I did something,we believed her and will make sure he will never be around her again,we have no contact with them,but is that enough? This is an impossible situation and even more impossible decision.

It is an impossible situation and it all boils down to what you want and can live with. I know that you have tried to stay civil with the perps mother and the grandparents - but know that if charges are pressed that may change and get ugly - so that is something you have to be able to live with. I am not saying you shouldn't - I think anyone who does this should be held accountable, and I know that in the past you have been disappointed that more wasn't done - so now is your opportunity for more to get done. Our perp was a juvenile too, he was charged and mandated counseling (his parents had sent him when our disclosure came out - but I think more to show the court that they were taking action and to avoid any charges if possible) and in my state he could go on a sex offender list when he is 18 until he is 25. I don't know the outcome of that decision, but from what I have been told the judge did not plan on holding that punishment - but I know as of December he was still in counseling through the state. My daughter did not have to do anything after her forensic interview - that is the information they used in court. Because he was a juvenile we knew nothing about his court dates or his charges (our info came from my brother-in-law), and my daughter did not have to testify. That being said, I now have absolutely no relationship with my sister and her family - it is a price that we pay for doing the right thing and reporting. Thankfully my mother has supported us (and she still has a relationship with them, although it is strained) and I would never ask her not to - those are her children and grandchildren. Have you talked to your daughter about this? What are her thoughts? If I recall she is a little older and could possibly have a say in what path you take. I know that you keep saying "all he did was fondle her", but I really wouldn't be surprised if more didn't happen that she is not telling. Like one of the posters said in another discussion- our kids don't tell us everything all at once. It took my daughter 7 months and she was still telling me new details that entire time, little by little. I think it has all come out now, but I will never know what really happened. So the bottom line is, most of us didn't have a choice - you have a choice, but it is one that only you can make because it will cause reactions down the line and you have to decide what is best for your daughter and your family.

I do mean we took the plea bargain sorry for getting those terms confused... I'm sure you can find statistics on the Internet, our lawyer said that almost all of her cases took the plea and that it was very very rare to go to trial... But again, the plea was the same punishment as if we had gone to trial. For me the reason you would go to court and take the plea is because you are sending the message to the perp and to your daughter that what happened is serious and that it is punishable by a court of law... For both of them it is a life lesson to remember for the future...
As a survivor of abuse I learned that there is a greater risk for being raped as a teen and young adult if you have been abused as a child and there is a greater risk for choosing an abuser for a partner and there is a greater risk that your child will also be abused... All of these things where true for me... But I have talked with my trauma counselor extensively about my concerns for my daughter to follow the same path as me and she has told
Me time and again that I sent my daughter a clear message when I took her abuser to court, and that I broke that cycle of abuse for her because she knows definitively what an abuser is and what the consequences of her being abused look like. That there is no confusing mixed signals about her abuser being able to do that to her and get away with it... And that it will make a world of difference for her...

I also want to assure you that the situation of this being between to minors is very different that if say your daughter was abused by her father or your husband... Taking any possible
Custody battles out of the mix simplifies the situation drastically and although I have heard so many horror stories about the court system, I have not heard any in regards to minor on minor offenses... The system is different for juvenile court that it is for adult court... And you will most likely find that taking your daughters perp to court will result in mandated counseling for him... And a clear cut message that, you violate someone against their will, you will have to answer to the law...!!! And a clear cut message to your daughter, if someone violates you, that is against the law, and will be important enough, no matter how sever the abuse, to let the law handle it...!!!

And please never minimalize what your daughter endured... Even a little bit of sexual abuse is horably traumatizing... Sometimes more traumatizing because your daughter still feels so violated so guilty and to add on to those usual feelings of abuse she will compare her story to others who where raped and worse and say, I don't have a right to feel this way because I didn't have it that bad... My best friend was fondled by her stepfather... Just fondled lot penetrated, it was only once and it was very brief, she spent her entire life not feeling worthy of her hurt suffering and pain because in her mind and from what her mother said, it wasn't that bad, it could have been worse... She tried to kill herself a few years ago and was in the hospital for a long time, she was diagnosed with chronic low self esteem... When she came out she really started working on her abuse history and told me that trivializing her abuse all these years of her life left her feeling worthless and she now feels that there is no abuse to small! And she finally believes that what she went through is just as damaging as what I or any other abuse survivor went through...!!! She fought long and hard trying to get some justice for herself... But the statute of limitations was up for her and she was not able to bring her abuser to court... That is all she wanted to do... Is just bring her abuser to court... Her mother had cut contact with the abuser and moved her to another state, but had not filed charges and my friend was so angry with her mother for making that choice she didn't talk to her for two years over that... She was 13 at the time of the fondling and had went right along with her mothers idea of justice... But as a young woman learning to heal her own abuse, she was furious with her mothers approach and wanted desperately to take her abuser to court...!!!

I think you are going to have to find out what the laws are in the state where the case will be. Where I live, it doesn't matter when the abuse happened, they are charged at whatever age they are currently. For example, the perp is 13, but if it wasn't disclosed until he was 18, he would have been tried as an adult. Also, here there isn't a plea bargain. Juveniles are adjudicated and not sentenced or what not. In our case, he plead guilty but there was still a short trial process and he received the same sentence he would have received if he hadn't plead guilty. Lastly, my daughter did not have to testify in court. She was interviewed at a child advocacy center and then they used the recording to type up a report of what was said and the judge and attorneys had that to look at.
Also in my state, we didn't press charges, the state did. I called DCS to report and after that, the state took the case and prosecuted him.
It seems you struggle so much with what to do because you want to salvage the relationship with your sister in law. The thing is, it can't be the same. She will do what she has to to protect her son and you need to do that for your daughter. Even if you and her could continue a relationship, its probably going to be somewhat fake because you aren't going to be able to agree or truly support each other's opinions and actions. It's sad it has to go that route, but parents will almost always put their children first, even if they are wrong.

Thank you all, to be clear I have cut off contact with my sister in law,out of respect for my daughter.I have decided to follow through with charges.If my sister in law would have followed through with counseling I might have let things go.But it pisses me off to no end that she has pretty much put it out of her mind and he gets to live a normal life without any punishments. we are stuck paying out of pocket for counseling and who know what will happen in the future.I am not trivilizing what happened but I do sometimes feel guilty complaining when I know some of your children have suffered unspeakable things.My daughters counselor told me although there are different levels of abuse the affect differs form child to child.For my daughter who has anxiety and panic disorder already, to be locked in a room and told she would be killed if she told, is devestating for her.Thank you all for your honest opinions and although I miss my relationship with my sil it is best for my daughter.By the way is there any way I can ask for my sister in law to pay for my daughters counseling?

From what I understand once you have a conviction in court saying that the perp is guilty you are free to file a civil suite against him and ask for financial restitution for the pain and suffering and counselor bills... You could talk to a legal advisor about this... Because it is quite possible to get his family to be held accountable for your daughters counselor bills... But you would have an easier time with a guilty verdict from the court in hand before you filed the civil suite... I don't think it's unreasonable to try!!! It is really wonderful that you have decided to follow through with charges it is wonderful that you can get some counseling for this very troubled young man and show your daughter that she is so worth the fight...!!! Good for you mama...!!! You have my full support and I will be here for you as you go through this process...!!! We all have your back...!!! This site was instrumental in me making it through all that we did...!!! And the wonderful loving and caring support I recorded from the mothers and fathers on here made all the difference for me and for my daughter... Because I was able to stand strong for her

Btw i just talked to my daughter and she told me she has wanted to file charges from the start,and I also found out that she was 8 not 9,which is about the time she started having all the anxiety problems,panic attacks and school refusal,ugg.The years we spent wondering what was wrong,we knew things did not add up,even her therapist was at a loss,we kept trying different things and nothing worked.We are fully prepared for the fact that my mother in law to pay for his lawye.So what happens now? I know my daughter will give a statement, will child services be interviewing him?Its a little confusing for everyone because he lives in a different state now.

My daughter had a forensic interview at the child advocacy center and she gave her statement to the detective only once... After that the detective took over and they investigated my brother, the detective told me that they would send a detective to my brothers house in his state and that is how they would be notified and investigated... I unfortunately was in contact with my mother at the moment of disclosure because I wrongly assumed she would be supportive of my daughter and take her son to the police... She instead went into full blown denial and hired an attorney for my brother so once we did the forensic interview it was out of our hands and I cut contact with my mother as soon as she got the attorney... That is when we waited for nearly two years before my brother had his arraignment hearing, which we attended, but we where not obligated to attend, I had just wanted to... After that he had several continuances and at some point they did a sexual deviancy evaluation on my brother the results of which where horrifying, because the evaluator concluded that my brother had acted out of normal hormonal changes and that it was due to him being a 13 year old... Normal my ass... Excuse my bad language... Anyways it was shortly after this evaluation that we got the message that they had decided to take the plea and we accepted and then we celebrated, I told my daughter that we had won, that because she spoke her truth with bravery that she had ensured that her abuser would be held accountable for his actions and that she had saved other children from having to go through what she went through... And that was it...

But as far as our involvement in the court proceedings, the only thing we where required to do was the forensics interview with a detective which they video recorded and that was it... The only reason we went to court is because I wanted to, I wanted to get my daughter comfortable with being in court with her abuser and I wanted to send the message to him and his attorney and his family, that we where not intimidated by them, that we were speaking our truth no matter what they said... And to send the message to my daughter that she didn't have anything to fear...!!! This worked for us, and my daughter was very empowered by the experience... At one point she got it into her head that she wanted to grow up to be a judge so she could make the bad guys pay for their crimes...!!!

You have a wonderful yet tragic story,we already know my in laws will hire a lawyer for him,100% sure of that so we are prepared.I am concerned though that they have the money to get a GOOD lawyer,a great lawyer but like everyone says here what will they really do.I have read all your stories so I am prepared.I am prepared to be happy with what we get. To cause him inconvienience and to be embarrassed and have his life turned upside down.Don't get me wrong I would like more but I know the reality so I am preparing me for only that. I know this will strain my daughter's relationship with her grandparents but I really cant keep secrets from her

My brothers father is a multi millionaire, he owns an island, and has property all over the world... He was able to pay for the best of the best attorney for my brother... He is also "connected" as they say, so in the months between my brothers arraignment and when they took the plea he had people follow and harass me, and even at one point shoot out my car windows and threaten my life... It was horrible to go up against a mobster like him but all the money and threats in the world did not make my brother innocent and he still ended up with a guilty sentence...!!! So take heart...
I know I have a scary story... And that I was put through the ringer, but I want to assure you, I would do it all again if given a second chance...!!! And that it was worth all of that fear and pain I was put through.... Money and power is nothing up against the truth...!!! And my daughter and I had no money and no power but we had the truth, that is all we needed...!!! And we won...!!!