Since my daughters abuse we have implemented a very strict "no secrets" rule in our family... And that goes both ways... She doesn't keep secrets from us and we don't keep secrets from her...!!! There have been hard things I have had to tell her but I always just start by saying "the only reason I'm telling you this is because we don't keep secrets in our family..." It demonstrates to her that secrets are not acceptable even for me to keep... And also that there are hard and uncomfortable things that sometimes need to be told but that it is okay to speak the truth no matter what...!!!

I suggest you reassure your daughter that she has no chance of seeing her abuser or anyone else that may trigger her, and tell her the only reason you are letting her know that they are coming is because you do not want to keep secrets from her... That honesty is the only possible way to handle tough situations like this... Be honest and explain your hesitation to tell her about them coming because you didn't want to hurt her or have her feel unsafe but that you must tell her because you do not believe in keeping secrets...!!! This might be an ideal time for your family to establish a no secrets rule, that would require you and your husband and your daughter all agreeing there are to be no secrets in your family..,!!!

We do the no secrets rule for safety and we lead by example, sharing information with my daughter as it comes up...!!! This has helped us all feel safer, and has given me more confidence as my daughter goes off to school and makes friends... I hear all kinds of "secrets" my daughter is supposed to keep, some of which have been serious, like her little friend who was being physically abused and confided in her and she told me and I told the teacher about the abuse... There are so many reasons the no secrets rule works...!!! I highly recommend it for your family as well...!!!

thank you, I never thought about it like that. My personality is to protect,always has been. I want to protect everyone. Her childhood has really sucked,she has had other issues besides the abuse and I feel bad that when she is older she will look back and realized it sucked. But you are right,secrets are bad and the last thing I want is secrets when she is a teen!

I agree with lovesmama also my inclination also is to protect. Sometimes I Will withhold information until closer to the time like for Dr. Appts if they need shots, or other undesirable events mainly because my children are eight and under and time still is perceived differently I don't want them worried about getting shots months before having to go. My oldest is bridging that understanding but my first thought was let her know closer to the time if you sense it will bring up feelings of dread or concern....but I do think that having a plan so she can feel safe would also remove that dread. Are you able to talk with her therapist if she is seeing one? Maybe you can both come up with tools to help her. One thing that I would think is for her to think through as much as she can what she can do if x happens like she runs into them, we can leave immediately etc. We can plan a trip out of town. If I feel anxious or afraid i can talk to a safe person, draw, journal etc. Have her write this put in a book form this cements the ideas and she can refer to it as needed or make changes and additions. Her feelings are normal, and valid given her experiences but they are also feelings that can be worked through with a little thought and foresight, we can't predict every scenario or be prepared for every outcome but kids often carry fears that can be unrealistic or blown out of proportion and in such cases you can relieve that fear. Part of that is children have magical thinking and can easily believe thing that not only would we not think of ourselves but can cause them much undo stress and anxiety and this goes especially for younger sets. But regardless trauma effects rational thoughts or thinking even in adults,

Knowing she can work through it will help her moving forward and as an adult. We can't avoid dealing with situations always. So think about the timing, setting those family rules, coming up with a safety plan....this will all help and the next time and the next time right will go easier.

Are you in therapy? Have you gotten support for yourself and dealing with the broken relationships and fallout that has come from this??? I ask this because it has helped me tremendously in gaining perspective and support in difficult decisions, I have gained tremendous friendships with other safe people through my celebrate recovery group. Anyway the nice thing about this group it covers all hurts not just addictions and is really benificial. I ha be lost very significant relationships from my mom to my siblings, I have two nieces I've never met and a nephew. It is hard and without finding my new support and friendships I would be so much more lonely. It also helps with the guilt that I've felt for my daughters abuse and working through my grief, anyway check,it out. You may find you love it too and there are others out there willing to support and love you in the same way you are missing your sil, I looked at it this way,..it sucks that I'm missing so many people but if I wasn't I wouldn't be putting myself out there and meeting some of the wonderful people I have met. It doesn't replace them but it does help tremendously.

Thank you hearts, I am not in therapy but am looking into it.My daughter also has panic disorder with anxiety and she does tend to blow things up in her head.The boy is 15 now and one thing she is worried about is that he will somehow get a car and drive up here to harm her,he lives 9 hours away,does not have a license or car and does not have the means to do that,but in her mind it is possible,if she gets a shot she is worried for hours afterwards that somehow the needle broke off in her arm,this is her OCD that causes this thinking,She does see a therapist,has been seeing her before the disclosure and has a good relationship with her which really helped when she told us what happened.I also suffer from anxiety and tend to shy away from meeting new people,its not easy and I have to push myself sometimes to socialize. I would love to find a support group like this one that meets in person,I will have to look into that.Thanks for the suggestions

I agree that you should tell her. We didn't tell my daughter that other family members were still seeing my stepson after he abused her. She found out anyway and I wish that we would have been more upfront with her. I know its hard because you don't want them to worry or even think about the person who abused them, but we also want our children to know that they can trust us so it's a hard decision to make. I was so worried about my daughter blaming herself for my stepson's absence that I just kept putting it off. Once she found out though, she didn't seem too bothered by it.