You are in good company. I struggle also with forgiveness and healing because the hurt is so intense, the betrayal, the anger, the insanity of someone we love hurting a child our child, it's a lot to grieve over. We all grapple over the guilt, and the why's. Suffice to say no excuse or reason would ever lessen our pain or the devastation it has caused.

As adults though we owe to ourselves to be well and to the end we work one day and one step at a time. I am starting my second 12 step study through celebrate recovery which has been a wonderful support and way for me to process through my grief. For you and your daughter I'd highly recommend it. It's important for you to own your experience pain and suffering in every aspect that you have been injured. It is important for your daughter to do the same. But you are the one here and there is no reason you and your daughter have to do everything the same or at the same time. Take responsibility for yourself and by being well you set an example for your daughter to be well. Hugs you are not alone.

Thank you so much, where do I find celebrate recovery 12 step study?

Welcome and I am so sorry.if it is any comfort we all feel guilt,tremendous guilt,we didn't know either.We loved/love our child's abuser.And what makes you think he would admit to it if he was here?More than likely he would not.The frustration,pain and everything else that goes with the abuser denying is excruciating.There are parents here who actually sent their children to the abuser,one being me.I let my daughter go in a playroom with her cousin and let them close the door,she once told her dad she didn't want to "go play" and he told her to go so we adults could visit.Of course you loved your brother,if course you didn't know,who would imagine such a thing.you didn't fail her,he did.You didn't cause this,he did.We can all here tell you not to blame yourself but you will anyway,it's something you have to work through.You are here now for her and you believe her,that's HUGE! Healing will happen for both of you,but you will have to work through it,it's not easy but it will happen.We all understand

Thank you hopefulmama!! I am so glad I found this group. Please keep my daughter in your prayers as she fulfills this journey to healing and me as well. God bless you all!

I think we all struggle with forgiveness. On my best days I can smile. On my worst days the best I can do is keep giving it back to God, pray that He carries us through, and hope that He can somehow use this mess to help or encourage someone else who is hurting.

And that is why we all keep coming back here,to help someone else.We see you at the beginning of this horrible journey and we know what is coming,but. we don't want to tell you.Kind of like telling our children before they get a shot," oh it only lasts a second and it won't hurt".But like we do with our children we will be here to make you feel better.I almost feel an obligation to help.And I pray for all of you everyday.

Hi heartsad I'm on that same very new very painful road too. I'm trying to deal with my time hour by hour day by day week by week I'm now 18 days into my journey. I know the guilt will hit me soon but I'm in so much pain now I can't let anymore in so I'm reading as much as possible and chatting on here to try to stem that guilt just a bit before it hits xx

Welcome, HelpHealMom. I understand your agony. I am a few years younger than you, and my daughter was in her 20s when she told me about the abuse she suffered from an adult neighbor 16 years earlier. Your daughter is extremely brave and loving to have kept that inside all these years!

If I might speak my mind? Screw forgiveness. It's a nice concept. It's not necessary. Moving on is necessary -- leaving the abusers in the dust, and living OUR lives. I know, people say the forgiveness is for the benefit of the forgiver, but maybe the reason you feel you haven't forgiven your brother is because you aren't ready. Maybe you'll never be ready. That's not YOUR fault, nor is it a spiritual or character failing. You two didn't ask for this. It's up to your late brother to seek forgiveness from his maker, so let HIM do the work, while you two grab life with both hands. Share time together in the fullness of the knowledge that you love each other and only want the best for each other. Maybe, after doing that for a few years, you'll eventually find that you're done thinking about your brother, and you can forgive him because you've outrun the pain. Don't waste time now feeling bad about your inability to do something that you're not ready to do. It's not going to speed that process along, but will only drag you into an abyss of inadequacy where YOU DO NOT DESERVE TO BE. In fact, the only person you need to forgive is yourself. Do that by loving your daughter all the more for her courage.

Thank you for speaking your mind. I will take that to heart, tho I do want to come to the place where I can forgive because otherwise I will be bound to that pain forever. I pray that for my daughter as well. I think my daughter even with all she has been thru in her life, is the strongest person I know and perhaps I will share that story at a later time. I am so sorry for the pain you and your daughter have suffered. There will be light at the end of our tunnel. God bless!

You can look up celebrate recovery the groups are everywhere just like traditional 12 step recovery groups only with celebrate recovery it is a Christ centered recovery program. See if there is one near you and check it out. I love how much of get out of it and it cost me nothing but a willingness to pass on what ive gained.

Thank you, I did look it up and there is not any in our area. I will be starting my therapy again tho, still have so many unresolved issues.

Very good perhaps your therapist is aware of other types of groups near you for support. Therapy is awesome but being in a group breaks the silence and feeling of being isolated or alone in your struggles. Hugs there is hope.