It's been 6 years since my second son who almost died was found to be going into remission. 6 years since the sexual and physical abuse began on this precious little boy's life. It's been 6 years... but I remember it like yesterday. My frail little boy who could barely be understood when he spoke, whose favorite thing to do was play doctor and prefer to hang out with adults. I remember it like yesterday when the monster mom invited him over to come have his first sleepover. I remember when he had his first play date under the pretense of "playing with Legos" ... and I'm looking back to the glasses of the truth knowing that those first couple times right after my baby came out of the hospital he was being exposed to the horrific, disgusting, filthy, creepy family and all there disrespect of the love that I poured into my child to keep him alive.  They're plotting and scheming to figure out how to get a hold of more of my children to use for their own disgusting purposes. I let my daughter have her first sleepover with their daughter... and looking back through the glasses of truths I now know that that very first night was hell on Earth for my baby girl.

But the thing that I've been struggling with the most is how lonely my life is now that I have lost practically everyone that I ever looked at as someone that I can lean on. In the past six months I have learned that my "best friend" was really some pedophile pornographic sexual addict who hurt my babies and I've also fully gone "no contact" with my sociopathic, narcissistic father and on top of that I'm doing the Grey Rock method with my mother who lives 10 minutes from me and who literally told me that all of the boundaries that we set with her we're silly and that we were attacking her.  On top of that my husband's in my relationship has been a little more strange lately due to some internal conflict and I really haven't seen or heard from most the people that I thought I had retained as friends. So I'm pretty much alone with my thoughts unless I'm completely in the midst of PTSD trauma with my children. I don't do well being alone emotionally. I need to feel like I have someone to lean on and it hurts that the people that I thought I could we're actually people that were hurting me right underneath my nose and I couldn't see it until the truth was so evident and my family had been so torn up. My heart feels like it's been shattered into a million pieces and the only reason I'm able to continue to go on it's because I've duct-taped all those pieces back together. And I have absolutely no options when it comes to giving up because without me pushing on the family will disintegrate. I am the force behind my family getting back to normal and yet I have nobody to help me do the same. I've been contemplating how to share what I've been feeling with you guys and I think that is the closest thing I've been able to get out to the reality of my brain has been mulling over. The weirdest part is that I'm not really depressed as much as I am just hurt and every once in a while I'll just break down crying because I'm so much in pain inside. And for some reason I can't seem to get my husband to understand what it's like to lose both parents and best friend/ surrogate mom and how that's really affected me as much as it has. He has compassion but no understanding.

So now you know why I've been quiet over here... it's not because everything's going great although everything is going pretty well except for my emotions.