Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
On Easter morning, our world completely flipped upside down! That Saturday, we spent the entire day at the park. My (soon to be ex) husband's birthday was in a few days and we were celebrating with friends. Everything was perfect. My daughter and I left to go to the grocery store to purchase the remaining items needed for Easter dinner. My husband remained at the park, drinking with his brother and friends. We took the groceries home and I was leaving to go pick him up from the park. I knew he had been drinking and didn't want him to drink and drive. He pulled in the driveway, just as we were getting in my car to pick him up. He was so drunk that he was unsteady on his feet with slurred speech. We all go back inside and he continues to drink. Within an hour, I witnessed him consume an entire bottle of wine mixed with vodka, plus half a container of another strong alcoholic drink. We were all sitting at the kitchen table, watching investment videos on youtube. Intoxicated people make me uneasy because of childhood trauma of my own, so I tell him I am going to bed. The last thing he said was, "Ok baby, I'll be up soon". The kids and I all head upstairs to bed. At some point, I feel him climb into bed and I vaguely remember scooting over to give him room. Flashforward to 4:24 am. My cellphone rings and startles me out of my sleep. I look across him and see that it's my sister calling. I say out loud, "Oh %*&%, something is wrong!" I then hear someone beating on the door downstairs. My heart drops. I had no idea WHAT, but I knew it was bad. I thought someone in the family had died. As I fumble in the dark for the keys to unlock the door I hear my sister yelling, "I'm going to KILL him!" I still have no idea what's going on. My daughter runs up behind me from out of the darkness, asking us to be quiet. I walk outside and they tell me that my husband had just raped my daughter. I was floored! Shocked! Speechless! My daughter called my sister because she was afraid he would answer my cellphone. The police and ambulance come and ask where he is in the house. I tell them and also warn them that he 6'6" and 300 pounds and has been drinking. My younger son is still in the house sleep and I don't want to traumatize any more people. I walk inside with the police and my husband is downstairs, in the living room, completely naked and in a daze. He looked at me and asked, "What's going on?" I just turned my head and walked away.
How could this have happened? How could someone with no criminal history, a loving father, completely flip and destroy our family? Everyone, that knows him and knows what happened, is completely shocked. My daughter says she just feels "weird". It's devastating. Never noticed any grooming, he never treated or looked at her differently, nothing. She said she never felt weird around him and that nothing else had ever happened. I'm so confused. I'm so lost. She said that after we went to bed, he told her to come back downstairs. He gave her a glass of wine (she's 13), and she drank it. She said her stomach started to hurt, so she went back upstairs. He grabbed her arm and touched her side. She said she walked away and went upstairs. He followed her and raped her. She said he never said a word. No threats, nothing. He just gave up and passed out beside me in bed. Thankfully, he was too drunk to penetrate her, that could've been so much more traumatizing. I'm devastated. I loved this man! We were still newlyweds and had our entire lives planned. How could he do something so devastating? My daughter appears to be doing great. I'm not sure she fully understands the seriousness of what happened. All she has said is that it's "weird". She has begun therapy. He was arrested and has a $250,000 full cash bond. I'm not doing well at all! This pain is unbearable! I have so many unanswered questions. What did he think was going to happen in the morning? I just don't understand. My youngest son is devastated. He doesn't know the details but knows he's in jail. His response was, "Why? [Husband's name] wouldn't do bad stuff to go to jail!" He keeps asking if we can go see him and take him cookies. He doesn't understand. No one does.
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My 5 year old came forward on March 5th That another child in his class was reaching into his pants under his underwear and touching his penis each time he was in this class. The offending child and him sat alone at the table, clearly out of sight. He was trapped because he was afraid of disrupting class and afraid of the other kids, laughing if they knew what happened. The disturbed child...
You are not alone.
You can survive this, your daughter and son can survive this too.
Here are some resources that may help: mosac.net, book "What Do I Do Now" https://www.amazon.com/Survival-Mothers-Sexually-Abused-Children-ebook/dp/B08W3K4J3H/ref=cm_cr_arp_d_product_top?ie=UTF8, rainn.org--24/7 hotline and chat, confidential and knowledgable listening ear any time you need it
Being in prison will take care of that man's drinking problem for, hopefully, a very long while. Alcohol is the number one date-rape drug. Giving wine to a 13-year-old is a form of grooming. This just doesn't sound random; it could be an M.O. I hope police will investigate him thoroughly.
I completely second brknhrt's recommendations.
I'm glad you've found this group. There is so much support here. You deserve all the support you can get.
@Naive1.2- I should have been more clear, there was no grooming prior to that night. I think they are investigating his background thoroughly. Initially, his bond was $50K full cash, but it was increased for some reason. The detective said she cannot disclose any information because it could jeopardize the case but that she would tell me whatever she could. There must be a reason his bond was increased and his bond reduction was denied. In our state, he had no record, but maybe there was something in another state perhaps? I hate that I still love this monster! It's crazy how our brains forget the bad and focus on the good in times like this. This was my soulmate, now I wish I'd never met him. We were once perfect together. But I wish I never met him. I used to feel so protected in his presence. But I wish I never met him. I am so heartbroken! At one point, I even thought, "Ok, the kids still love him and miss him, maybe we can get through this if he gets help." I thought, "But our story is DIFFERENT, he was completely out of character due to the alcohol and made a huge mistake, he would never do it again." Thankfully, I understand those thoughts are not logical. We deserve better
You will need to talk to a therapist too. Also, they may have one for your son.
We started out with the ones that were issued by the county. They are totally free and are available for the rest of her life if she needs them.
They were very nice ladies but after a few months, we switched to a Christian counselor who had experience with this type of thing. She has been very helpful. Stay strong...I cried a million tears, but my daughter has been the cigar store Indian. Her abuse went on for 6+ years. My husband chose to throw happiness away with both hands and 26 years of marriage. He was stone-cold sober in the middle of the night creeping into her bedroom. If I was not a Christian and did not have Jesus to carry me, I could never have made it.
Brace yourself for his family taking his side and not believing you or your daughter. If you have to cut them out of your life, do it. This is what we have had to do. Painful, but we can't let them and their harassment to cause you more pain.
God Bless!