Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
This is going to sound very strange, like I am trying to hold on to the "bad" thing and not move on.Its been about 1 month or so since my daughter disclosed that her cousin touched her.No charges can be filed but my sister in law is taking him to counseling.My daughters therapist is working through this with her, all my daughters specialty doctors have been notified, we told my inlaws that daughter is not comfortable going to their house(boy was that not received well but that is a whole big story),my daughter is doing well, doesn't really talk about what happened, not really sure if I should bring it up.Things are pretty good and back to normal.That is the problem, I feel like it has been forgotten, I don't want that! I want people to remember because this is a terrible thing.Does that make sense?I don't want this to be like a scraped knee, "oh its better now"It seems like there should be some crying or arguing or SOMETHING.I want someone to call and ask how she is doing,or how I am doing, I have decided to continue a relationship with HIS mother(my sister in law) but we talk on the phone and everything is back to the way it was,you know stuff like,so and so did this and I did this today,And she even talks about HIM and school is good and I can hear him in the background talking about his day.I feel like its forgotten and life goes on,Honestly I think the only reason I still talk to her is to make sure he is going to counseling.I am frustrated, I just want someone to acknowledge this.My inlaws are really not supportive of us, well me, I am the trouble making daughter in law. I feel like people should be calling me, offering support or something.I know this sounds really selfish, it is not at all about me but I am hurting too.I let her in the room with two boys and allowed the door to be closed.My husband always made her hug everyone goodbye(his family are huggers, I am not)so He had the chance to squeeze her butt, I didn't teach her that even family is not allowed to touch her,I only taught her stranger danger. Does anyone here feel the same way?
This once again is the normal abnormal response of child perpetration and how others respond to it.
I know this for a fact, it is no reflection onto you.
I can tell you that my husband had stage IIIc colon cancer when our children were ages 3 , 3, and 3 mo and 3 mo. That also meant I was only 3 mo postpartum from a complicated twin pregnancy as well.
People poured in to help from all around. Strangers made "cancer blankets" for him to take to chemo. People brought us food. People prayed. People offered to host a benefit.
Gotta tell you my dear, fighting his cancer was a Hell of a lot easier than ever since my daughter revealed that he was pinching her privates in the shower. Even though this is so much harder - no casseroles, no benefits, no blankets. The response is rather silent. Friends call to check on us. Friends care. But no one steps in to help.
This is a very normal abnormal response......
My older two children are adopted.
The literature I read stated that ethically diverse adopted children tend to do better than same race adoptions. The theory of this finding is that children who are of a different race from adoptive parents are forced to discuss and work out the details of adoption more.
Yet also, there is a fine line between working out details of trauma and ruminating over it too much as a result of the trauma.
Perhaps the best answer to your feelings is to get some counseling for yourself.
Yes, I too grieve - I lost an entire family (on me an my husbands side - my sister is married to my husband's uncle) - A sister, brother-in-law, 2 nieces (and one's husband), two nephews (and ones wife), great nieces and nephews. These are people that live within walking distance that I saw on a weekly basis and spent all holidays with. Am I sad, yes, and I angry, a little - but I will not let that consume me. Like was said above, I will move forward and continue with healing, and help lessen the drama/trauma on my kids. My son lost one of his favorite cousins, and his favorite aunt and uncle - he is sad too, he is a secondary victim - but you know what - we will all be okay. Again, I can control my feelings and no one else's - so grieve the loss of the relationship that you think you could have - because it seems pretty obvious that is not going to happen. It sounds like your mother-in-law is very controlling and maybe the relationship wasn't healthy before - you sound a little bitter already because of the favoritism she has shown in the past - this situation isn't going to change that, so maybe your daughter is better of without her in her life.
I agree with the poster above, get some counseling for yourself - a therapist is the best person to help you navigate through these feelings. But harnessing anger isn't going to do anything but harm you. Meditate, find some positive books to read, journal, find a support system that will help you through. Live for today and don't worry about the future - everything may be just fine and you are worrying about something you don't need to - and it there are issues, you can deal with them at that time. I look at it that I am glad that my daughter disclosed so I will know to look for signs. With 90% of children never disclosing until they are adults - most parents have no idea when their children start acting out and don't know where to turn - you have a leg up. Look at the positive, don't focus on the negative.