Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
I am very new to this and would appreciate any feedback.
A few months ago, my daughter (16) came forward as a sexual assault victim which started when she was 12. It was a shock that I am sure I will never get passed. Initially she did not want to disclose the name of the person and with time and a messy situation with her baby brother was not brought to drop off after a visit, she disclosed that the person was in fact the father of my youngest child.
We were living together at the time of the abuse and I couldnt feel more guilty for not seeing any signs. He was someone I genuinely thought I could trust around my chidren and we knew each other since we were young teens. She told me that she didnt want to speak up because she was too aftraid of so many different things, including seeing her brother grow up without a father like she did. I have no words to discribe how I felt when she told me. He fully took advantage of his role in the household and convinced her to not say anything to anyone for so long.
Fast forward a few months after the disclosure, after medical reviews and many bumps in the road, he was formally arrested. He has not been released since the day he was arrested and although my daughter feels a little bit safer to walk around without feeling like he will hurt her or our family, she still struggles with coping with the situation as a whole. She has been avoiding writing her victims statement for court to avoid reliving the moments- I am trying not to push her becuase I cant even begin to imagine how much pain that process will bring. She recently started going to therapy, which I am beyond grateful for- I am glad that she has a professional outlet that can assist her with the healing process in a safe way. I hope she can feel like she can be as open as possible with them and get to figure out how to heal in ways that is the most helpful for her. I want her to feel like she has power over the situation now and will get gets peace from some kind of justice that can be brought from this.
I have seen her improve but she continues to have these waved of emotions that randomly come to her. I can relate to those feelings in a different sense because I am having triggers as well from the guilt and emotional rolller coaster of emotions from the memories that I now feel were fake, and the process as a whole. I feel so much guilt for not seeing things as they were happening- I know he manipulated the situation with us both and it breaks me to my core to think that he was able to that for over a year. I have been bottling up my emotions to try to keep a good face for the kids but I feel like I am breaking inside for my kids. The thought of what my daughter may be thinking everyday, how this will effect her future relationships and everyday life, having to keep this in for so long and try to cope with it on her own during that time, what to tell my sons when they are older, how to shield them from this monster... the list feels like it grows everyday. I tried so hard to keep my children safe and the one person that knew my life stories used them to his benefit and hurt my princess. I cant get over it- her telling me what happened, thinking of all the moments he had alone with the kids, what may be triggers for her, how she was feeling all this time- it all plays over and over like a repeating nightmare.
I dont know how long this process will take in the legal view but I know we have a long time of reliving and having to retell the stories for now but my daughter will forever have to have those moments living in the back of her mind and it literally breaks my heart.
I feel like this is the right space to finally try to let some of my thoughts out without feeling like I am not being understood.
To anyone who can shine some insight- How have you all managed to get through these stages? Has this outlet helped your healing process? How can I best help my daughter get through this? Will these feelings ever get better? Will I ever feel like I could trust people in general again?
I can relate to your feelings 100% . The guilt sometimes feels like it is literally taking over me- I've withdrawn from a lot of people and activities and lately, the anger from the court process is getting a hold me. (we are nearly at the end of the pre-trial process)
The thought that I was kissing someone who hurt anyone in that way -especially my own child - makes me sick to my stomach. My therapist told me it was ok to think about the good times we had as a family but all I can think of is what was happening in the background- I feel like my memories are literally ruined because they were created with deception. I cant even write this without crying.
What do you feel is the biggest hurtle of this process- I in a weird way want to know what I should be expecting. I sometimes question if things will feel any better to be completely honest. I used to be positive about things but I don't feel I can do it with this situation.
My 17 year old daughter was sexually abused by her father. I can finally say it to someone who will understand. I have not had the courage to say it directly.
It started when she was 8 or 9. It lasted about 6 years, we're guessing the number of years.
A while after I found out, the police got involved. The police investigation was intense and we were miserable. It got better after a couple of interviews. My Ex-husband was arrested a couple of months after. We have to go to trial soon. Very worried she can't handle the trial. She loves her dad. I can't believe my ex-husband is willing to do that to us. She was worried about him when he got initially arrested, but that's fading away.
I confronted him a week after my daughter disclosed, and he confessed to me.
I felt the same shock Which I'll never recover from. It gets better, I don't cry in public as much anymore.
So, it does get better. Don't blame yourself, it isn't your fault, you were betrayed. It took me a while to realize that.
You need time to process and think clearly to handle the legal process. Take a moment to be sad, cry, scream in your car, pray pray pray. Just make sure to get up every day and take care of stuff then take the evening to yourself. Whether in your car, room, garage, etc.
In fact, my daughter and I would sit every day and talk about things, then she would tell me things that happened,
In the evening, I sat in my car every evening for over a year.
I know the court process is overwhelming being-I can't even fathom your thought process right now. I'm still going through the pre-trial process and it's mentally exhausting. You seem like you have gotten through a lot of emotional obstacles-I know that wasn't an easy thing to do. I envy your strength.
in respect to your comment about distancing- thank you. I really needed that. I feel like as mothers we tend to forget that we need to take a step back and think about our own mental health because we are so focused on the mental health of the kids. I'll def hold on to your words.
I thought I was going to be fine in the divorce court, and I cried so much. I took my dog and took off for a couple of hours. When he got arrested, I cried and cried for him. Just conflicted feelings that are all over the place.
If I have strength it is because I have been to hell and back. He emotionally, verbally, and financially abused me for 2 years. When he got arrested, we were still married, but separated, he left me in a very tough financial position where I was almost bankrupt. I also pray for strength all the time. I ask God to guide me and help me get through this.
Now, he is claiming to be a changed person, who made a mistake, and who already faced consequences for his mistake.
I don't know how mine will go with victim statement against her father either but out of everything, I think that is probably the most important part of the process after disclosure. What is the purpose of doing this through the court system? Yes, there is 'justice'. Yes, it may stop the crime from happening again. But I wonder if it actually brings closure. However, the ability to explain the impact of the crime - the process of saying it and, if there is any humanity/love in them to their family, them actually having to hear the consequences of their actions and face up to it. Not a statistic, not the shame of being 'caught'.
I too am conflicted and still hopeful there was something in real about our marriage (31 years) and family even though every memory is now tainted.
The court process is exhausting but it does get better. How we felt during the first interview vs. the ones after. I promise it gets better. Your feelings will change and hopefully, you will see things differently, YOU ARE a VICTIM too.
You can't blame yourself, you were betrayed. He was good at hiding it. these guys are like that, they know how to hide things in plain sight. If you notice anything, like in my situation, you doubt yourself. You say he will never do that.
It seems that you get involved in the process initially, then it dies out until trial. That's where I am at now, the wait period. I don't know how ours is going to go. It is about to be court time. I can't believe he might put us through trial, that is so selfish.
I understand the saying is going to be tough. I am very worried about how the court process effect on my daughter, It is worth it, the victim gets to tell the world about her unfair story. about how she was harmed by the person who should off protected. they are not sorry for their actions, they are sorry that they got caught.
Pre-trial was mentally exhausting with the rescheduling and going back and al the steps. I didn't want my daughter to feel revictimized during a trial process after seeing how she got after every time a new court date was made. I eventually had to stop telling her about them since we weren't attending until we agreed to make a plea agreement. He took it- it feels weird to say still - he took the plea. We have the sentencing hearing coming up next month.
Your right- it doesn't feel like justice will ever be made. No amount of time would ever feel like justice. Too many things have been affected by his actions. My family will never be the same.
I have been in such a dark place since he took the plea- like this part is finally going smooth and I'm waiting for the show to drop. I know he only took it so information doesn't come to light where everyone else can see it and it bothers me so much.
I agree with you 100% - I don't think they are sorry for what they did- just that they were finally caught. I give them so much credit for stepping forward and speaking out. The amount of strength it takes to do that is beyond words.
I genuinely wish you both the best with everything.