Welcome,words we all don't want to hear.i felt anger at my husband at first,even now sometimes because it was his nephew who abused our daughter.I think we moms handle it differently.One thing for sure,your ex did the right thing!I can't tell you how many don't do anything g and turn a blind eye.Your son may not feel safe in her home,would you blame him?You and your ex have to work together,no time for blaming one another,be United for him and make a plan,together, and let your son know you are United.Choose a good therapist and I can't stress enough how important it is for the two of you to see your own therapist.Has the abuser been arrested?You will get through this.My daughter also was the sweetest girl and when she was asked why she didn't tell she said she didn't want her cousin to get in trouble! She loved her cousin.You will go through many emotions,ride it out,you will find much wisdom and support here,use it!

sad_dad_75, I have such mixed feelings whenever a new parent joins our group. Furious and anguished on behalf of the parent and his/her child, and relieved that the parent has found a safe place to work through the cascade of emotions and existential questions you are now facing. I totally understand not wanting to be here, but I'm glad you are.

Please visit www.mosac.net (written for mothers, but 100% applicable to fathers) and read through all of the drop-down links that apply to your/your son's situation. That bastard has rerouted your son's development, and you need to be aware of what you may see, and of how you can help.

I have to hand it to your ex -- she tossed him right out. I am SUPER, super proud of you both for being a unified front for your son, both in reporting the crimes and in seeking therapy for all three of you. This must not become a point of contention that makes your son feel somehow responsible for creating yet another wedge between you.

Naturally you are concerned about returning your children to the scene of the crimes. What happened is not at all your ex's fault, but she may need to make some changes before your children visit again, such as getting rid of that bed and buying a new one, and new bedding, and moving the kids into another bedroom (can they share a room?). She may need to consider moving altogether, but small steps may help for now.

Keep writing. It helps. You will be heard, understood and fully supported.

So we went through the initial steps in the investigation. My son met with a counselor and they recorded his description of what has been going on. We met with a detective and a few nice people from child protective services. They said my son did very well. The detective had a few questions for my ex. He asked if she had any contact with the offender. She said yes that he had reached out to her a few times. The detective asked if he had given any indication that he admitted what happened. My ex stated that he firmly denied it and said that he felt "very strongly" that someone had manipulated my son into making this accusation in order to separate the two of them... my heart fell into my stomach and I wanted to vomit. She made a few other comments that implied to me she was defending this man.
This is all making me very sick. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to feel and I only know I feel terrified, angry and helpless.
My god, I don't want to be here.

hi there and welcome to the page, i too am glad you found it. we all know how hurt you are when you find out your child has been abused and we have all had different experiences of this but we all have that one thing in common so can support each other, I found this page my only lifeline at first and i hate to say im not even sure i would be here without this and my friends,
do you have anyone else you can talk to for support? a friend or a family member ?
It is totally understandable you want to hurt him, i would have done the same to my husband when i found out he had touched my daughter (his step daughter) but i knew she needed me to be strong with her not end up possibly being arrested.
your wife may be going through some doubts about whether he has done this, I know i did, i couldn't understand how someone i had loved for 23 years could be someone i didn't know and it was because i believed my daughter that i left. your ex wife will be going through so many emotions as well and she will feel guilty for bringing him into your sons life.
it may be hard for you both to talk about it as you both have slightly different situations but you both have to be there for your son as a priority, I do hope you have someone to talk to and if not come here and rant, scream, cry, talk with us.
xx

She may either be in denial or actually supporting g the abuser,you will know soon enough.Let your son know that he can call you if he feels uncomfortable at any time day or night.These abusers are very good at acting like they are the victims,it is also possible that your ex is in shock.Who can imagine such horror,such evil in our homes.Are you in a position to take your son?Also contact a child advocacy agency,they will direct you,help you with the legal issues ect.

My son and other children are with me now. We have shared custody. I am working with the children's advocacy center, victims assistance, PD and the prosecutors office (they file the protective order, which the judge signed yesterday)
They all said my son did extremely well, and they feel this is a strong case.
I've been praying a lot and staying in touch with my support group. I can't seem to stay on any one emotion for too long.
I fear denial is the only coping skill she has. Every time we engage in a conversation she wants to pivot to some unrelated topic which seems to quickly escalate to an argument. I'm trying not to engage in those, but I'm running way short on patience, tolerance and kindness.

Sounds like she could benefit from extensive therapy.You feelings are all normal,I went from crying to blind rage,I plotted revenge for hours at a time.Keep telling your son how brave he is.I learned from my daughter that most kids blame themselves for not telling sooner.We all have those feelings,"why did I do that?""how could I have fallen for that?" But children don't have the maturity to know in the moment you can't stop it.Sounfs like you have everything under control,even if it feels like you don't.

sad_dad_75, as much as you don't want to be here, I'm really glad you returned. Unfortunately, despite how tragically common this crime is, it can be almost impossible to find a group for parents who have been in approximately the same situation. This is for a number of good reasons. For example, to a large degree, this is not our story to tell: we want to protect our children's privacy, because it can sometimes feel like privacy is the only defense they have left. We feel we have failed them, and we don't want to "out" our children to a group of strangers.

I am so sorry to read that your ex seems to be coping with denial, and that it seems that she's willing to defend the perpetrator. This may arise in part from the profound guilt she may feel about having exposed your children to an abuser. Please know that abusers are usually extremely manipulative and will do anything to get near a child, so the man who abused your son (I'm sorry, I know how painful that still is to read) is likely very charming. Your ex may feel she had found Mr. Right (again, sorry -- this pushes so much old business to the fore again) because he seemed willing to do anything to make her dreams come true and because he was "good" to the kids. She didn't see that he was only courting her to get to your son......this is not her fault, but she may be yet to come to that realization.

Still, you may be feeling rage toward your ex, and it's important for that not to become obvious to your son. If he feels that he is causing discord, he may recant. Keep your grownup conversations private.

Also, please forward the www.mosac.net page to your ex. She needs to read this, too, and to see what rings true as she considers the situation.

Abusers can be exceedingly sneaky. Sometimes they abuse children while in the same room as a parent. When your ex claims she had no idea, believe her. When she says she still can't believe "he" could do this, understand that this is part of her coming to terms with what's happened. Denial protects her emotional grid even as it seems that she is defending the abuser. It is probably temporary. If you are as calm as possible in your discussions, she may be more amenable to the idea that this isn't something that you cooked up to cause her misery. Focus on your son and on your other children (there's useful info about sibling reactions on the MOSAC site). She needs to know that your rage is against the offender, not her, and that you support her decisions in defense of your son.

my daughter recently disclosed that my boyfriend of 9 years has been molesting her....
I can't offer any words of comfort or wisdom- all I can say is that I am right there with you. right now there is just sadness, grief, mourning and rage.
I don't know where any of us go from here..

You have my sympathy. This is a painful path we are on. Good to see you are reaching out. Do everything you can to surround yourself with positive people and avoid negative energy. You don't need more of that right now. This isn't your fault. You are a victim too. It is not your fault.

The rage and grief that you will/are experiencing is so overwhelming and powerful. If you let it, it will destroy you. I went through absolute hell for 18 months to the point it affected my health. It can get easier with time and with help. I am absolutely stronger than I was before any of this happened. You can dig deep and learn so much from this experience. Your children can get better and they can also become stronger than ever before. Find at least one person who will support you and encourage you through this long journey. You will need someone who you can say anything to as you rage and weep. Thank God that you chose your daughter over your boyfriend!! That alone was the most important decision you could have made.