Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
This is my first time here. I'm shaking and struggling to not cry so that I can write this. This is a miracle that I found this site! I have been completly alone in so much pain, sadness and so much more than I can write about now. I'm a mother of five sons in my late 40s and their ages are: 21, 19, 18, 17 and 14years old. A year and 3 months ago, on a family camping trip, my 19 yr old told me while we were sitting alone, that when he was 8yrs old, our teenage neighbor boy molested him... He had tears flooding his beautiful eyes and rolling down is sweet face ...my baby...my son who I have loved and cared for all these years...my precious son!! I don't know how to describe how terrible those moments were...how surreal and beyond comprehension horrible it all was. I know only other parents and caregivers of children who have survived all that will understand what it's been like. My son and I have navigated our way through the last couple years as best we can...but the things that have remained stuck in me all have to do with the neighbor boy...who is a man now and his parents are still our neighbors...I was close to their family ...they were and still are a Christian family...I haven't told his parents yet...the probably are wondering why I never go visit them...I'm terrified! I don't know what to do...I almost sent a email to the boy's brand new sweet wife...I have been scared for her...I wrote her mom too once but deleted it afterwards. I'm angry and scared and for the past two years I have been wanting to announce it on social media where his boss (a firefighter) , family and friends will see...I want this for a few reasons. One to humiliate him because I don't know how to get this anger in me out that I have towards him...the other reason is I'm worried for the people in his life...especially his wife, nephews and nieces and if he has children. I go back and forth around and around in my head trying to figure out what to do...for my son I have stopped myself as well...I want my son to be fully healed! He lives with his girlfriend and he has a positive over all outlook of is life...he doesn't want to waste his time on worrying. He told me that he approached the neighbor boy and told him how much he hurt him and how terribly messed up it was what he did. My son said he wasn't really sorry and seemed unchanged. That is another reason why I keep wanting his family, work place etc to know about it to protect their children!
Does anyone know what I should do?? I've only told 2 relatives and my husband about what happened to my son.
This is all so painful
This is a tough issue but I hope to speak to several layers at work here.
There is the issue of conscience (what am I required to do).
Issue of healing from the trauma of discovery.
Issue of justice.
For me I knew that my well being was not stable enough, healed enough to open the door to possible more trauma, hurt, pain by confronting and informing family members for the first year after discovery. Have you gone to counseling yourself?
I joined a celebrate recovery group and worked the 12-steps to help with my rage, hurt, pain, depression, trauma you name it. After about a year in counseling. But toward the end of counseling I did inform my brothers, mom and an aunt. Every person I told has dismissed, minimized or did not believe the abuse happened. Aside from my grandpa who had believed and supported us the whole time. I was very grateful to have a therapist to support me in that process. Like you i had concerns about other victims. So you have to be prepared that the outcome you want most likely wont happen and worse they will turn on you and your son. Which is why I think getting more help for yourself first will be best because there is no real closure in these cases. There is no real earthly justice and that is a tough thing to accept. There is the real danger of other victims both past and present.
You have a lot to grieve, a lot of losses to process it doesn't happen overnight. I'm thankful your son has entrusted this information to you. That you have believed him and supported him. Clearly you want the best for him. I hope he was able to also do counseling and address any issues from the abuse so that he can be more equipped to handle anything in the future around safety and one day his own children and to eliminate any shame or guilt he may carry as a result of the abuse.
I can relate to wanting to scream from the mountain tops, I daydream of hiring private detectives to follow him or turn him over to some place that might do a sting operation on him lol that one is a little more out there but I know.
I wish I could say shout it out to everyone it will make you feel better but my guess is and I think you know it wont. It won't take one itty bit of the devastation away. That you have to sort through yourself and find peace again. You can... many have. Don't let the abuser take anymore than he has. You deserve a good life, joy, happiness.
Oh and depression medication helped me. I take a small amount everyday and this has eased the burden of the information on my brain. Unfortunately this did me in mentally and emotionally. Yet I have found hope to continue.
Hugs from a fellow traveler.
Don't set yourself up for a slander lawsuit! As much as YOU might want to address this painful situation, be VERY careful about making it public or documented. Don't use Facebook, email, instant message, the newspaper, a written letter, etc. to communicate. Keep it verbal and stick to facts..."my son said x, y, z..." nothing specific about how the guy's a monster, disgusting, pedophile or such. And I do believe, as hard as it may be, that it is in your son's hands to share HIS story with whoever HE feels the story needs to be shared with. It's a private matter since he is now an adult.
I would focus on encouraging him to go to the police...let the police share with the perp'so parents, not you. I learned the hard way, by sharing with our main, known-perp's "Christian" parents and it backfired because it turns out they were pedophiles themselves and had been abusing their own kids sexually/physically as well as my kids! The one thing I regret in this whole process is telling them anything...it gave them the information to lie to the police and boy did they lie! Now they live in another country, no convictions whatsoever, our stories never even being given to the DA about these adults! I really hope your son would be willing to share with the police and do an undercover sting operation!
I'm so sorry you have to go through this. No matter how bad the evil, the trauma to our parent hearts is the same suffering.
My daughter also disclosed as an adult abuse she had suffered at age 8, also at the hands of a neighbor (the parent of her playmate). I sometimes wonder if some children don't disclose until adulthood because they realize that they've missed their chance for US to be the ones in charge of this information, and they need to feel that we will understand their younger behaviors at last. They need to feel forgiven for something that is not their fault. It's all kind of irrational, and unfortunate, because the evidence is usually gone, gone, gone, so prosecution is really unlikely in the present. There's very little we can do as adults, but to sense what our children need at the moment and to wait until they are ready (if ever) to take action.
I completely get your rage, your desire to ruin the lives of the abuser and his family (who may not know about any abuse he has suffered, just as you didn't know about your son's -- or who may have abused him themselves, and are hiding behind "Christianity" to look like the least likely suspects). Our daughter's abuser is still free, a highly respected researcher at an Ivy League college. Every time his name goes on the cover of a report about a new breakthrough, it only makes him seem more like a hero.
An anonymous group will be a godsend, a place where you can reveal and rant as much as you like, in faith that everyone there also expects you not to share their stories. Please keep writing -- it helps!
Wish I could give you a hug, SissysHeart. I feel for you, lots.
Another huge thing that sparks so much anger and beyond anything I've ever felt before...is that after my son disclosed what happened ( he said it happened a few times...is that I remember the exact day....he came home after school and after playing with our neighbors daughter (her teenage brother was my son's abuser), and I went to greet him and the memory of his face was burned into my memory so clearly...I had bent down and was face to face with him to ask how his day was and to hug him and the look in his eyes held a look that I had never seen in him or my other kids before...a look that he was sad...sad at is core ...sad and let down by himself....it was so terrible :(.... I held him so tightly and telling him how much I love him and how wonderful his is...The next couple weeks I was completely focused and trying to figure this out ..his teacher said that he started to really fall behind in classwork....and oh my gosh, it led to years of school challenges academically...I pulled him out of third grade to homeschool him and hoped to get that inner confidence back..things got a little better but, honestly he never .was the same. He struggled so much!!! I did everything I could year after year....then one day in high school senior year he just quit....when my son first disclosed to me on our camping trip, he told me that all these years it had affected every area of his life! His friendships, how he felt about himself, school....my point is, his life had become riddled with shame, feeling constantly like there was something wrong with himself...he lives with his girlfriend now, and he says he feels strong right now....there are places in him that the horrible past couldn't touch...and there is a part of his soul that is so sweet , caring, handsome and wonderful that encourages anyone who engages with him...that gives me relief...but I have wanted to sue this man for how his actions did effect my son...he really struggled at jobs and his education had taken a clear turn for the worst right when he was first molested. Right now I could not do that until it's something he wants. I mentioned it to him once almost a year ago. He seemed only a little sure about doing anything yet...most of the time when I ask him what does he need...he says to not let this man hurt us anymore and to ignore it for a while.
Thank you so much for EVERY word each of you shared with me here!!! I will cherish this feeling of having you all close to me here ....that we all understand each other in enough ways to be a support...that I'm not alone in this swirling nightmare tornado...but sheltered together and not alone not defeted. God bless you all tons!!!!!
She also developed a haunted look that came through in photographs. Her smile changed -- her mouth would curve upward, but her eyes looked deeply sad.
My daughter's interest in academics dropped off almost instantly, and she began to have problems with her peers in school
Yes, I also want to smack that asshole around while listing all the ways he destroyed this person I loved beyond my ability to understand. He destroyed the deep, honest, and trusting bond between us. He destroyed her sense of belonging in our wider family -- she felt ostracized by her cousins, but in fact, she was projecting her own sense of not being like them.
I can't believe I haven't directed you to this website for a thorough examination of all the issues involved in child sexual abuse: www.mosac.net Please take some time to red through every section/subsection that may apply to your son's situation. I am so sorry for what he has endured. He deserves to feel whole, to define himself as a survivor!! Which leads to my final point: is he getting psychological counseling? Are you? You BOTH need a knowledgeable, sympathetic therapist to help you deal with this enormous pile of.....
Thank you for your prayers and lightness I could sense your strong inner spirit that wants you well that wants us well. Make sure to turn that love on yourself you need it and that faith to be well!!! Blessings.
Four years after disclosure, my daughter is finally pulling her life back together. She is finishing her undergrad studies, working several jobs, increasingly taking care to look pulled together. She seems to have been completely clean and sober for about two years now. She had been addicted to painkillers (with the encouragement of her scum-of-the-earth ex-boyfriend). She became re-addicted after a disastrous car accident (likely a suicide attempt), before she disclosed, so she had to undo that damage before she could get where she is now.
If your son is not a drug user, and has a healthy, loving relationship, he is light-years ahead of where my daughter was at disclosure. That probably doesn't feel like a blessing at all. However, with effective therapy (including EMDR) and group work for BOTH of you (your son will be welcome at any rape recovery group near you) your son is likely to find a sense of wholeness more quickly than many who did not disclose until they were adults.
You're on my mind.
I wish I could wrap him up in a hug. Feel free to message me if you need to vent or anything, and also feel free to send him to this site as we have groups for survivors as well.