Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group

This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !

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bonnieboo11 03/28/2016

I know you guys will set me straight or give me the emotional support I need. A little background, my husband has a son and daughter from a previous marriage,both adults..My husband's brother committed suicide 2 years ago leaving behind 2 sons(one of who is our daughter's abuser) and a wife, their mother,my former best friend.Anyway they are here visiting their grandparents for Easter( well not HERE but you know what I mean),so of course we are not involved with his family activities when they are around.I am fine with that,I never asked my in laws to cut him out of their lives,he is still her grandson.My husband's 2 other children went to dinner with them yesterday and although I really dont like it I have no say since they are both adults.So my stepdaughter calls my husband last night and tells him that my husbands sister(her Aunt) was telling her how my daughter;s abuser went to counseling about the abuse several times and even went to some kind of camp!!!. Now I know what you guys are gonna say, focus on my daughter,I can't control what they do,ect.But this bothers me.My husband told her it is not true,he went to counseling 1 time. I told my husband he needs to call his sister and set her straight.I know in my mind I can't control what is done or said but my heart won't understand.I feel I owe it to my daughter to make sure the story is straight. I don't know how you guys do it,family accusing your children of lying,exaggerating ect. My daughter has been up and down and her downs are getting worse,"why do bad things always happen to me", "I wish I was never born" alot of self loathing,she doesn't know they are here but I wonder if she does at some level. Maybe at some level I feel that I did not protect her in the first place so I need everyone to know what really happened. I guess i am just having a bad day.But how do I not be bothered by what others say and tell?

ashley73 03/28/2016

I wish I had the perfect thing to tell you. I am bothered by what others say and do and feel and think. I definitely see where you are coming from in wanting the TRUTH to prevail. I am already going crazy knowing that my sister in law has only her brother's (my husbands) side of everything. I am certain that is the farthest thing from the truth there ever was. Of course he's not going to paint me in a good light. Of course he's not going to admit to molesting his children. We are still without a disclosure to the RIGHT people to prove anything happened. I pray that actually happens so that I can move forward and keep my children safe. Anyway, I think it is normal to have these feelings. You can't make yourself feel any differently, and so I don't think you need to be set straight! ;-) If it will make you feel better, maybe you can write a letter to your brother's sister and post it here. Just to get it all out. I have started writing my husband's sister a letter in order to quit having this conversation I've been having in my head with her. I don't plan on sending it, because it's premature to send, but also I know that if and when everything comes to light, she will not believe the truth. She doesn't believe her brother is capable of anything but good. But it might be cathartic for me, and maybe it would be for you as well?! Just a thought. Good luck and many hugs.

Naive1 03/28/2016

Well, either her version is true or yours is. It probably makes everyone on "that" side of the family feel better to believe that the offender has paid his penance by going to some camp.The question is, could it have happened? Could the sister have actually gotten her son to do all these things while you were busy caring for your daughter? True or not, it makes no difference to the past. So naturally you're upset, because the subject of YOUR daughter's abuse is somehow deemed fitting Easter conversation at the home of the abuser's grandparents. It is deeply frustrating that we have no control over conversations that revolve around the people we love the most. But we don't, and we can't make them tell the truth, even if they know it.

I really like ashley73's suggestion to write that letter -- here or just privately -- to get it all out and express all of the sense of injustice you feel. It may help you to discover the root of your anger in the matter.

heartsadx3 03/28/2016

I listen to a lot of Joel Olsteen for this reason. He talks often about God being our vindicator and that He will settle our cases. Life's not fair but God is. One I've been listening to almost daily is called balanced books. If you are a christian this may encourage you. I have to offset the negative thoughts with something positive or it would eat me up.... Consume me. Your feelings are justified and the anger is very intense especially during the season where your daughter is still hurting so deeply this is why it is the most important time to guard your heart don't let that stuff in close your ears cut off people who bring up news .... Of you have energy for that you are stronger than I. I had to focus my total energy toward myself and my child. Trust me when I say when your daughter is doing better you will do better you will care less about them and it won't get to you as much. Only you can take care of you. Only you can say enough is enough I'm not letting that in. It doesn't affect me and what I'm doing. The key is to stop it before it gets to your ears, at first it feels strange but in time you will have peace. I'm so glad I don't hear reports from home. I don't want to know about vacations, good breaks etc.

bonnieboo11 03/28/2016

I am a Christian and I do believe God will settle the score.I can't bear to see my daughter in so much pain,she blames herself for not telling sooner, for not being able to stop him.She really has had alot happen to her in her short life.She has alot of problems and most stem from the abuse. I know there was no counseling,his mother and I have spoken up to about 2 months ago,and my mother in law has been trying to talk her into taking him.She does notwant to take him because she feels she is punishing him. I just feel I have no control over what happens, and I don't,How can everyone be so " la la,it's no big deal,he was just curious"Even the legal system cant really do anything really.My daughter has OCD,in the form of intrusive thoughts,so she is constantly thinking about it,cant get it out of her head. I am scared to death that she will become so overwhelmed she won't be able to handle it. I am very angry,maybe time to see someone

Naive1 03/28/2016

Definitely see someone for your own care, bonnieboo11. You are listening to your daughter so intently, because you're a good mom. You need someone who will only listen to YOU. Sounds like former sister-in-law wants to sound responsible, but doesn't care enough actually to do what's right. How infuriating. Hugs.

heartsadx3 03/29/2016

I'm sorry I hope I don't sound patronizing especially spiritually there is healing in being validated and you have every right to feel the way you do and to express every ugly emotion and thought here especially over the information you recieved from your step children. It is completely unfair right now. I'm sorry you had to hear that. They are obviously in denial and sadly hurting the child more by not taking appropriate action and even covering up the lack of counseling to make it seem like they have to look good for the grandparent who is all to ready to believe everything is well. It may take years but my guess is that stance all is well ... Will not be the case because the truth is he isnt well.... Something else will happen and they will have to deal with the consequences. But you won't. Because you did the right thing and cut them off. It won't be your child hurt again. Trust the process with the counseling it will get better. Take care of yourself....be good to yourself. Hugs.

bonnieboo11 03/29/2016

Thank you all, I know there is not a quick fix but to hear my daughter ask "why me" and express she wishes she was never born rips my heart to shreds, and to know there are lies going around just about tears apart whatever is left.And I don't know what I will do if I hear her say she does not want to live anymore.She is suffering so much with intrusive thoughts the only relief she gets is when she is asleep.I don't know what I would do without you guys to listen.Thank You

Naive1 03/29/2016

Is your daughter in counseling now? Is her counselor aware of how often she expresses this kind of thinking? This seems like something her counselor should be actively working to help you both with.

bonnieboo11 03/29/2016

She just started counseling with her new counselor specializing in sexual abuse.I will see her on Thursday.I am worried though, at what point will her therapist take that as a suicide threat? And what is the procedure if there are threats of self harm?

96Percent 03/29/2016

Who cares about the counseling he gets
I care about the counseling your daughter gets ;-)

I mean I do wish he could get what he needs, but you must accept what you cannot change - but you are in control of how well U parent n support Ur daughter.

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