Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group

This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !

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raising3 06/24/2019

My 6 year old son was sexually abused by the 9 year old son of our babysitter. It happened a little over 2 years ago. We filed a report, it was investigated and it was deemed "Peer to Peer Touching". I disagree, its not peer to peer touching when one peer threatens the other that they will kill them if they tell anyone. I feel defeated. We have tried countless therapists and no one works/can get through to my son. After the abuse, he became over emotional, quick to anger, quick to cry. He began bed wetting and continues to this day. He gained 20 lbs and had high cholesterol. I guess what I am getting at is, does it ever get easier? Its a constant struggle to figure out if how he is acting is because of what happened or is it just normal for him? Or is this what his normal is now because of what happened? I feel like there are two different versions of my son. The son I had before the abuse and the one I have now. I feel like a terrible mom, but I miss my old son sometimes. Some of you may rip me apart for that statement, but its how I feel. I had a beautiful, fun-loving 4 year old son who had this eternal sparkle in his eyes and now he is the shell of the person he once was. Does it ever get better? I am not saying that I want him to be that 4 year again, I just want a happy medium. Is this a normal thing for a mother of an abused child to want? I can't stop thinking that it was all my fault. If I would have seen the signs, if I would have just been a stay at home mom, if I would have just...everything. I don't know. Any kind of help is appreciated. Thanks.

hopefulmama 06/25/2019

Welcome and I am so sorry.Nothing will be back to normal but you will find a new nornal.You said he has been to multiple therapists? Are they giving up too soon? It takes a long time for a child to feel comfortable.At one point my daughter played board games for a month with her therapists and they did not talk about anything related to therapy.it takes many tries sometimes to find a good match.Everything you describe is normal for an abused child but it should not be accepted as ok.I mean a good trauma therapist should make some progress and work to eliminate these behaviors.As for the legal part,unfortunately that is the norm.The system is seriously flawed.We all have some form of guilt,I was a stay at home mom so don't think just because you weren't there that it is your fault.We can't plan for this to happen.Also concerning is the perpetrator,he was 9? Statistically the studies say he was most likely abused also.Not that this is an excuse but so you understand.Kids don't just abuse,it is learned and hopefully it was investigated.Do you gave a child advocate? The agency can give you names of trauma therapists,and no not all therapists are trauma trained.He is obviously struggling and is probable embarrassed and scared.The most important thing you can say to him is you are sorry this happened and it was not his fault.It took my daughter more than a year to believe that and Everytime she said" it's my fault we don't talk to certain family anymore" I remind her that it was "his" fault not hers.You should also be in therapy,it's very important so that you are better able to help your son.I felt guilty getting therapy but it helped me so much and I learned a lot.There are many smart and knowledgeable members here.Check out MOSAC website ( mothers of sexually abused children)Hang in there!

FullMeasure 06/26/2019

I'm so sorry you're going through this. My son was also abused at a daycare. By the now deceased ex-husband of our babysitter. He died roughly a month following the trial where the jury acquitted him on all counts. It was oddly satisfying.

Is the older child who perpetrated getting any services to address his behavior? Do his parents acknowledge what happened? Not really relevant, still curious. I would keep trying with therapy with your son. He's still pretty young. Supportive parents who believe their kids is an incalculable benefit.

brknhrt 06/30/2019

raising3, I'm so glad you finally found this board, even though of course we all wish we didn't need to be here. NO ONE here will rip you apart for what you are feeling! I'm guessing we all miss our pre-abuse child and wish we could get them back. We will always wonder who they would have become if the abuse hadn't occurred--even though that's not something we can ever answer and doesn't give us any clues for moving forward, it's very normal for parents in our situation. mosac.net is the link to the mothers of sexually abused children site that was mentioned above, and reading even pieces of their extensive info (I still haven't read it all) helped me so much to lose the guilt and anxiety that I wasn't reacting the way I should or that there was something wrong with me. What we are facing is bad enough but when you add on questioning your own reactions or feeling guilty or abnormal for your own feelings, that just makes a terrible situation worse.

It's interesting that you titled your post "I am drowning" because just this week I re-connected with an old acquaintance whose children were physically abused at day care when they were infants/toddlers. I told her I had a similar experience recently, couldn't say much in detail because my daughter is 17 and I wouldn't tell anyone without her permission. But as she described her experience, years ago, she said, "My husband and I felt like we were drowning," and at that point I started to cry because I had felt exactly the same way--so you're not alone in that either.

Please come back here any time you want and don't be afraid to post anything at all that you are thinking or feeling or questions about how to proceed. You may not get a same-day response but eventually there will very likely be someone who has felt the same way or been through the same thing.

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