I have a lot more that I want to share with you guys and I have not had the time to sit down and just type it all up but I did want to share with you this little piece of information that came out in my talk with my mother.

I spent 5 hours confronting her with all the abuse that I've taken my entire life both given to me by her and my father. I asked her point-blank because I'd heard so many different stories over the years about how I was conceived and it never seemed like she had wanted the advance by my dad but I felt I should just make sure I'm not reading into it because of our situation. The stories have always been I was conceived on the kitchen floor. My father had asked her if she "was safe" she told him no and he proceeded anyways. "Safe" meaning ovulating or not. My mom always had conjectured "well I guess he had just wanted to have a baby." But I know that he started being abusive to her on their honeymoon and that he barely ever had any sex with her due to the fact that he had a hidden case of herpes their entire marriage and as far as I can tell the few times he did have sex (when he had no glare ups), a child was conceived (5x). I remember numerous nights my mom had dressed up beautiful and put everyone to bed early and my dad would fall asleep and dismiss her advances and I'd see her crying at night, huddled in a corner.

So I point blank asked my mom if my dad had raped her when I was conceived. Her response was a very broken/stunned face, quiet and then moving on to the next subject which gave me the answer I needed. (She had been raped by a childhood friend in highschool so I know she understood the question.) Over the years I continued to hear how she would have left my dad if she hadn't gotten pregnant with me and that I was the reason she stayed with an abusive man. I know all these hurtful things she says are partly due to her narcissistic thought processes but I also wonder if part of the reason I was treated the way I was my whole life is partly due to this bitterness she might hold against me for making her feel trapped? Anyways I haven't had a chance to speak with my therapist about it but I'm not shocked and it hasn't altered my viewpoint on whether I am a precious woman in the eyes of God or not. I know that there was a purpose for my life and I'm thankful that God has given it to me and I'm doing everything I can to make sure that it counts both with my children and in the world.