Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
Hi everyone.
I'm finally writing on this site to reach out to others who can grasp the emotional turmoil that I've been struggling with for the past 8 months. Our situation is SO complicated! I have S1, S2, D1, S3 and S4. I'm married to my highschool sweetheart and all 5 kids are ours together. I am a proud graduate of homeschooling and homeschool all my children. However, my children have gotten the "safe touch" talk every year of their life with an extra dose of birds&bees whenever I was pregnant. We are all very social people and they are all smart in their own individual ways. I also want to state that I still believe in God and even believe that He has a purpose for all this crazy happening in our lives.
Let me start from the beginning...
Fall 2007 S2 is diagnosed with a life threatening disease that takes over a year of intensive medical treatment to recover from. On top of that, later on we find out he's 1 point off the autism spectrum, has a major speech impediment, has oral apraxia and has a lower mental capacity than most kids his age. He's now in remission and can talk semi-clearly.
Spring 2014 S1 is diagnosed with a life threatening disease (unrelated to S2's) and finishes treatment Spring 2015. I find out I'm pregnant with S4 3 days before this journey with S1 begins. I deliver S4 in Fall 2014.
Spring 2015, shortly after S1 finishes treatment, my husband almost dies due to a random health condition that goes rogue. It has lasting implications of daily pain that he continues to struggle through without anything to relieve it.
Summer 2015 we go on S1's wish trip and the day after we get back we go to visit some really close family friends that have helped to get us through the past traumatic year of medical difficulties. The mom was my best friend, their s2 was my S1's best and only lasting friend through the health issues and their other kids all got along with my kids pretty well. However, this visit I overhear something that my daughter says to her little friend (an embarrassing, inappropriate story) and it concerns me and I let her know we'll be talking later. We finish our visit, get all the boys to bed and sit her down to talk that night. July 26, 2015 was her first disclosure. Over a period of 3 hours, she shared that S2 touched her, then their s3 touched her and finally that S1 touched her. The next morning we talked to both our sons and S2 denied anything only later the next day to confirm everything including that s3 had touched him inappropriately. S1 confirmed everything, was horribly remorseful and their stories matched up. Later that day I confront s3 and his parents with the little sister about the touching and it takes him 1 1/2 hours to just admit that he did ANYTHING!!! (I wanted to make sure my kids weren't blaming him for something that MY son had done.) We decided as parents, after inspiration from the Duggar situation, as tormenting as it was, to call CPS and report everything. It took them a week (what a week! AGH!) to send someone out and she said that we'd done everything right and that the only thing she'd recommend is having our oldest re-locate for a bit and we had to report him to the police. So, after much struggle, we found someone who could take him for a week and my tearful husband went and reported him to the police.
At this time S2 was found to be pretty "normal" curiosity touching with D1 and we thought that s3 was a 1x occurrence that was intrusive but not horrific.
S1's case was dismissed due to the fact that D1 had reacted mutually even though there was an age descrepancy. When she disclosed to us, that was one of the most troubling factors that gave our guts a bad feeling...WHY didn't she react in fear, disgust, anger, sadness? We were scared to death of the answer but never could have imagined what the reason behind it would be. S1 moved to live with grandma in another state and we've had to fly him in to town for medical tests every few months. We chose this due to D1 having extreme anxiety and working through the other perp's memories. Our ultimate goal is re-unification led by our daughter who says she's forgiven S1 and wants to be a family again. When treatment is completed and we feel it's right, we will evaluate again.
We got S1, S2, D1 and myself into counseling a.s.a.p. I even contacted the specialists in sexual therapy and put D1 on the wait list that was a couple months long (this was before I knew how bad it actually was). BTW, I'd like to state right here that when I took D1 in to be evaluated, they point blank told me that my daughter, who had been exhibiting the signs of anxiety already, didn't need therapy and that "she'd be fine." Little did they know...don't worry, I didn't listen to them! ;)
Originally we requested that this family please allow us to be able to go to the children's group near our house without their family there and they had agreed but then they pushed back, in complete denial of what we were dealing with, and asked my husband if they could still go and my husband knowing their nature said sure, whatever. So, we lost that circle of friends. We cut ties with this family in December 2015 after learning how bad this really was and therefore I lost my best friend, and S1 lost his best friend.
Fast forward to today. After almost 8 months of allowing our children to talk individually almost every evening before bed, (their choice), we now have learned that s3 has been sexually, physically, verbally and emotionally chronically abusing S2 & D1 since about 2011 and S3 (who was only a toddler!) since 2014 and that it was worse during the time S1 was very sick and in and out of the hospital. All 3 of my victim children have gone through the forensic interviews and the police believe us now about how s3, even though he's a child who did this between the ages of 6-10, is REALLY messed up! We're waiting to hear from the DA about what they want to do with our case. My daughter has scars all over her body from weapons that had been used on her during the sexual molestations/rapes by this little boy, s3. (She had never shown me before and yes, she had hidden it and lied.) He also used a camera to video and take pictures of her "sometimes naked." But I've been told by practically everyone that because he's a kid, this probably will go nowhere. I'm worried about what other children he's done this to because I feel like my children could NOT have been the only ones especially after learning that all 3 of them had originally disclosed to my best friend and she either dismissed the issues because "he couldn't have done that' or told her kid "don't do it again." She never told me anything the whole 8 years I knew her. The parents are in complete denial and my D1 & S2 have also shared that s3 did this stuff to his little sister! But because this family is saying the right stuff when CPS comes out, nothing is changing. The police say nothing can be done unless these kids actually disclose to someone (besides their parents obviously!)
I have little to no family support for complicated reasons prior to all this and I'm just struggling to re-connect with people after having gone through so much. I know so much more than I ever wanted to know because my children attached to me early on before they had therapists so I hear everything. I can't really make this a topic of conversation with others (we've chosen to be selective in who knows even basics to protect our kids) and I struggle to help especially my daughter on a daily basis through panic attacks (which I SWEAR is PTSD but her therapist tells me it's just general anxiety based on the form she filled out the first day of therapy) and my special needs son who's anxiety is set off by my daughter's ways of coping. I'm having to start their circle of friends over because we lost the close kids group and I'm really struggling because I don't trust anyone...even myself sometimes to read people correctly. I also don't know HOW to connect with others! Their problems are so insignificant compared to ours! I feel righteously angry and betrayed by my ex-best-friend but at the same time SO grieved and sad and even conflicted because we had to go through the process with our S1 so I know the pain they're feeling and we still love their family from afar and pray for them.
Anyways, I've been having some really hard days lately. I'm waiting to get S3 into therapy and wondering what is going on with s3's family. And it's even harder because my hubby and I deal with stress very differently so I feel kinda lonely even though I know he loves me. And that's the opening...there's so much more I haven't added. So, you see, complicated, unique and emotionally draining.
One mom who's perp-husband had cancer will understand when I say, I miss last year's support! The meals, the freebies, the love, the blankets, the hugs. Nobody understands how to react to what we're going through whether they know details or not. They just know something is very wrong with our family. :(
I'm finally writing on this site to reach out to others who can grasp the emotional turmoil that I've been struggling with for the past 8 months. Our situation is SO complicated! I have S1, S2, D1, S3 and S4. I'm married to my highschool sweetheart and all 5 kids are ours together. I am a proud graduate of homeschooling and homeschool all my children. However, my children have gotten the "safe touch" talk every year of their life with an extra dose of birds&bees whenever I was pregnant. We are all very social people and they are all smart in their own individual ways. I also want to state that I still believe in God and even believe that He has a purpose for all this crazy happening in our lives.
Let me start from the beginning...
Fall 2007 S2 is diagnosed with a life threatening disease that takes over a year of intensive medical treatment to recover from. On top of that, later on we find out he's 1 point off the autism spectrum, has a major speech impediment, has oral apraxia and has a lower mental capacity than most kids his age. He's now in remission and can talk semi-clearly.
Spring 2014 S1 is diagnosed with a life threatening disease (unrelated to S2's) and finishes treatment Spring 2015. I find out I'm pregnant with S4 3 days before this journey with S1 begins. I deliver S4 in Fall 2014.
Spring 2015, shortly after S1 finishes treatment, my husband almost dies due to a random health condition that goes rogue. It has lasting implications of daily pain that he continues to struggle through without anything to relieve it.
Summer 2015 we go on S1's wish trip and the day after we get back we go to visit some really close family friends that have helped to get us through the past traumatic year of medical difficulties. The mom was my best friend, their s2 was my S1's best and only lasting friend through the health issues and their other kids all got along with my kids pretty well. However, this visit I overhear something that my daughter says to her little friend (an embarrassing, inappropriate story) and it concerns me and I let her know we'll be talking later. We finish our visit, get all the boys to bed and sit her down to talk that night. July 26, 2015 was her first disclosure. Over a period of 3 hours, she shared that S2 touched her, then their s3 touched her and finally that S1 touched her. The next morning we talked to both our sons and S2 denied anything only later the next day to confirm everything including that s3 had touched him inappropriately. S1 confirmed everything, was horribly remorseful and their stories matched up. Later that day I confront s3 and his parents with the little sister about the touching and it takes him 1 1/2 hours to just admit that he did ANYTHING!!! (I wanted to make sure my kids weren't blaming him for something that MY son had done.) We decided as parents, after inspiration from the Duggar situation, as tormenting as it was, to call CPS and report everything. It took them a week (what a week! AGH!) to send someone out and she said that we'd done everything right and that the only thing she'd recommend is having our oldest re-locate for a bit and we had to report him to the police. So, after much struggle, we found someone who could take him for a week and my tearful husband went and reported him to the police.
At this time S2 was found to be pretty "normal" curiosity touching with D1 and we thought that s3 was a 1x occurrence that was intrusive but not horrific.
S1's case was dismissed due to the fact that D1 had reacted mutually even though there was an age descrepancy. When she disclosed to us, that was one of the most troubling factors that gave our guts a bad feeling...WHY didn't she react in fear, disgust, anger, sadness? We were scared to death of the answer but never could have imagined what the reason behind it would be. S1 moved to live with grandma in another state and we've had to fly him in to town for medical tests every few months. We chose this due to D1 having extreme anxiety and working through the other perp's memories. Our ultimate goal is re-unification led by our daughter who says she's forgiven S1 and wants to be a family again. When treatment is completed and we feel it's right, we will evaluate again.
We got S1, S2, D1 and myself into counseling a.s.a.p. I even contacted the specialists in sexual therapy and put D1 on the wait list that was a couple months long (this was before I knew how bad it actually was). BTW, I'd like to state right here that when I took D1 in to be evaluated, they point blank told me that my daughter, who had been exhibiting the signs of anxiety already, didn't need therapy and that "she'd be fine." Little did they know...don't worry, I didn't listen to them! ;)
Originally we requested that this family please allow us to be able to go to the children's group near our house without their family there and they had agreed but then they pushed back, in complete denial of what we were dealing with, and asked my husband if they could still go and my husband knowing their nature said sure, whatever. So, we lost that circle of friends. We cut ties with this family in December 2015 after learning how bad this really was and therefore I lost my best friend, and S1 lost his best friend.
Fast forward to today. After almost 8 months of allowing our children to talk individually almost every evening before bed, (their choice), we now have learned that s3 has been sexually, physically, verbally and emotionally chronically abusing S2 & D1 since about 2011 and S3 (who was only a toddler!) since 2014 and that it was worse during the time S1 was very sick and in and out of the hospital. All 3 of my victim children have gone through the forensic interviews and the police believe us now about how s3, even though he's a child who did this between the ages of 6-10, is REALLY messed up! We're waiting to hear from the DA about what they want to do with our case. My daughter has scars all over her body from weapons that had been used on her during the sexual molestations/rapes by this little boy, s3. (She had never shown me before and yes, she had hidden it and lied.) He also used a camera to video and take pictures of her "sometimes naked." But I've been told by practically everyone that because he's a kid, this probably will go nowhere. I'm worried about what other children he's done this to because I feel like my children could NOT have been the only ones especially after learning that all 3 of them had originally disclosed to my best friend and she either dismissed the issues because "he couldn't have done that' or told her kid "don't do it again." She never told me anything the whole 8 years I knew her. The parents are in complete denial and my D1 & S2 have also shared that s3 did this stuff to his little sister! But because this family is saying the right stuff when CPS comes out, nothing is changing. The police say nothing can be done unless these kids actually disclose to someone (besides their parents obviously!)
I have little to no family support for complicated reasons prior to all this and I'm just struggling to re-connect with people after having gone through so much. I know so much more than I ever wanted to know because my children attached to me early on before they had therapists so I hear everything. I can't really make this a topic of conversation with others (we've chosen to be selective in who knows even basics to protect our kids) and I struggle to help especially my daughter on a daily basis through panic attacks (which I SWEAR is PTSD but her therapist tells me it's just general anxiety based on the form she filled out the first day of therapy) and my special needs son who's anxiety is set off by my daughter's ways of coping. I'm having to start their circle of friends over because we lost the close kids group and I'm really struggling because I don't trust anyone...even myself sometimes to read people correctly. I also don't know HOW to connect with others! Their problems are so insignificant compared to ours! I feel righteously angry and betrayed by my ex-best-friend but at the same time SO grieved and sad and even conflicted because we had to go through the process with our S1 so I know the pain they're feeling and we still love their family from afar and pray for them.
Anyways, I've been having some really hard days lately. I'm waiting to get S3 into therapy and wondering what is going on with s3's family. And it's even harder because my hubby and I deal with stress very differently so I feel kinda lonely even though I know he loves me. And that's the opening...there's so much more I haven't added. So, you see, complicated, unique and emotionally draining.
One mom who's perp-husband had cancer will understand when I say, I miss last year's support! The meals, the freebies, the love, the blankets, the hugs. Nobody understands how to react to what we're going through whether they know details or not. They just know something is very wrong with our family. :(
In so sorry I can see that while your family has dealt with so many traumas there is only so much you can tend to. Finding forgiveness for yourself, education, communication, counseling, good body boundaries, and finding other things that are positive for the kids to do like gymnastics etc.
First, those parents in denial? Where did their kids learn these behaviors? What kind of child is sufficiently capable of using weapons against another child to leave scars? I am concerned that the dad (or even both parents) may have been involved. When my daughter first disclosed (in her 20s), she said her playmate had abused her. This was a boy a year younger than she was, in early elementary school, and about her size, but she was deeply traumatized. Two months later, she told me, it was actually the father who had raped her, and involved her and his children in sex "games," for about a year. I don't want to place unwarranted suspicions in your mind, but I can't see how your daughter was held down and injured repeatedly by another child.
Second, the therapists telling you it's "general anxiety based on the form she filled out on the first day of therapy"? That therapist needs to GO, as she is clearly ill-informed about the nature of disclosure. A child doesn't tell a PARENT everything upon the first attempt at disclosure -- why would your daughter trust full disclosure to this new stranger of a therapist on Day One??? I know you are completely overwhelmed, so I'm sorry to suggest that you take on one more thing, but you need to find a new therapist pronto. My daughter was in therapy for 13 years before she disclosed anything to me, and she never said a word about the abuse to any of her therapists. Find a therapist who gets this process and is realistic about the nature of PTSD. She is SCARRED, for Pete's sake -- that's not "general" anxiety -- that's trauma.
You are a believer, and that will be useful for you, but WarriorMomX5, the sum of what you have described above is beyond the Book of Job in its scope. Come here often for support. You will find it.
Yes - friends and family sure don't know how to respond and help during this.
My close friend can only take small doses of my kids and me - she gets too stressed. I get it.
One day tho... I think things will come together.
Our children are:
S1- now 16 1/2, very sick from age 14-15, inappropriately touched his sister when he was 15 right after finishing a VERY difficult year of medical treatment where he almost died, was a short period of time before daughter disclosed
S2- now 12, special needs but high functioning, very sick from age 4-6, victim from the age of 7-11 by friend's s3
D1- now 9, victim from the age of 4-8 by friend's s3, brother S2 (really just curious acting out) at 7 and brother S1 at 8
S3-now 4, victim of friend's s3 from 2 1/2-3 1/2
S4-my baby and safe, thank God!
My ex-best Friend's children:
d1- biological from 1st marriage, adult
d2- biological from 1st marriage, in college
s1- adopted great nephew of husband, teenager, biological brother of s2
s2- adopted great nephew of husband, was my son S1's best friend, teenager, biological brother of s1
s3- adopted great nephew of husband, our perpetrator from the age of 6-10, biological brother of d3
d3- adopted great niece of husband, my D1's good friend, biological sister of s3
My oldest had no knowledge that my friend's child was doing this to any of his siblings until disclosure! He still doesn't know most details.
Based upon my memory of various stories they've told, I can say with little doubt that the perpetrator was this child, s3. I'm 99% positive that his parents were not the abusers to s3 based upon their extreme lack of understanding of this type of thing and after having known them for over 8 years and their intimate interactions. (We were best friends after all so we talked about a lot of personal details.) I actually spoke to the detective today and he says that in his mind the parents are doing everything they're supposed to now including taking this seriously, "watching s3 like a hawk around other children," safety plans, counseling, etc. The detective also verified my worst fear today saying that if this child really committed all these horrible acts that he's worse than Jeffrey Dahmer and a sociopath and I said "exactly!" I've known this child since he was 3 years old, watched him grow, taught him piano, helped homeschool him...but they actually decided to close our case. The detective even said, my kids are so sweet and that in all his years doing this that he's never seen such a traumatized child as my daughter is so he believes her story. He begged me to just move on and let this be a little blip on my children's time-line but he doesn't understand the trauma that we're dealing with! My 4 year old has been having nightly nightmares for 2 1/2 years now (now we understand why!), my 12 year old has horrible OCD tendencies and is righteously angry that this child will not be going to jail and my precious daughter truly has PTSD that literally rules her life, interfering with even basic things like being near her brothers, doing school work, brushing her hair, getting dressed. The horrors that this little boy did to my children but especially my daughter (including brain washing her to not cry during the ordeals or he'd hurt her more by punching her, taking her in the middle of the night while everyone was sleeping to verbally/physically abuse her and rape her and then put her back to bed like nothing happened WHILE my oldest was sick in the hospital and pointing a knife at her throat while raping her and cutting her inner thighs with scissors!) scare me as to what he'll do in the future. Not knowing that more is taking place to keep him from hurting even his sister, concerns me. This has been difficult to digest, especially for my children, but we knew that because of his age and due to the "reasonable doubt" of our oldest son being a perpetrator that we probably wouldn't move ahead legally. However, it still hurts! If this child was older, he'd be in jail!
As for getting help for my daughter, I actually began to pursue what avenue could offer EMDR therapy and I have a supervisor looking into it right now. I shared more of what I've been dealing with at home and she said it's highly possible that "her diagnosis could have changed!" THAT irked me because it's always been the same but the stupid paper test just played too much of a part in the diagnosing. SO, long story short, we might get a more suitable diagnosis and hopefully get her into EMDR therapy which even the detective suggested.
As for all the other children we're concerned about having been victims (which I wrote about in another post), he said nothing will be done unless they disclose and report to CPS and only then would they cross reference with what I shared. Unless this child, s3, does another horrible thing (which I believe he will) before he's 18, all our hard work will be in vain because his record will be sealed. I'm torn between wanting him to fail so they can see how bad he really is and wanting him to truly get better through all this help and not hurt anyone else. I submitted 150 pages of typed up disclosures/conversations between my children and I, all private so that none knew what the other said. My kids still ask to "talk" in the evening which means telling more about their abuse and how they feel and it's been over 8 months! We have created a new "normal" including therapeutic outings to fun places on a weekly basis and play dates with some of our "old" friends that we don't see at the kid's group anymore.
One thing I did want to share is that I don't believe that every child who abuses another child is a pedophile. I also believe that forgiveness plays a huge part in healing and even being around someone who's done something wrong (like my oldest son) but that doesn't mean the trust will be there. My children have actually done pretty well at slowly interacting normally again. VERY slowly through skype, short phone conversations and highly monitored family outings when he visits for medical purposes. (He does not stay with us or even drive in the same car sometimes depending on what my daughter feels comfortable with.) But reconciliation can happen. We told him from the start that his sister would determine how and when our family became whole again and we've stuck to that never putting her in any circumstances that she felt uncomfortable with. She still loves her brother and has forgiven him. And the police case and CPS case was closed. And he's still our son and we've forgiven him too and have to continue to take care of his health needs no matter what. I know that most of you do not believe in ever seeing the perpetrator ever again but I wanted to share our experience with this for the few of you that might be trying to make it work.
I'm not perfect...I'm still working on forgiving my best friend and her children...but I do believe that sin is sin is sin. The consequences might be far greater in sexual sins, but they can still be forgiven not only by God but by us. I know this advice isn't for everyone but I'm sharing a few verses that I have been meditating on lately to help me heal. God bless all of you and your precious children who have to struggle through these difficult paths of healing and thank-you for supporting me when I needed someone to lean on.
Matthew 4:43-45
“You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous."
Romans 12:17-21
"Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” To the contrary, “if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good."
As for the other possible victims, I think I'm going to write a brief letter to each that shares my concern for their child...with no personal details at all...just so the families can take the proper avenues to report. I don't want to send CPS and cause more trauma to the family when it can be handled personally especially since nothing can be done unless the victims talk. I am just hoping that the parents will listen and the kids will disclose. If you are a homeschool family, you will appreciate what I am saying.
The system isn't set up for psychopathic children. That has become apparent.