I hope you don't mind me asking but why are you protecting the man who hurt your children? If you are hoping for rehabilitation, well there is none,a proven fact.Did you ask your daughter to say she forgot,if you did then you are making a big mistake and your daughter will have years of guilt and hurt.Please don't think I am being hard on you,well actually I am but I am not being a bitch,I see a lot of disturbing things in your story.I know this is not easy but please get rid of this monster and rebuild your life.And don't think for a minute your son is safe.I would not leave him alone with him.Go forward there is help,

Well when I told my mom her husband molested me she sat me down with him and had him apologise and that was that, no report, no counseling, And I had to continue under the same roof with him. Fast forward twenty years he sexual assaults my two year old daughter.

So I will give you credit, you removed him from your home, you protected your daughters from seeing him, got them counseling, did report it, are in counseling yourself. You are more than half way there. Your issue now is your marriage. It seems you are in shock still and denial/bargaining. Hiring an attorney and having your daughter lie in hopes somehow that things aren't as bad as they are, your husband isn't who he is a pedophile. I would say perhaps your actions were a result if string codependency and irrational. Who acts rational this isn't a normal thing it's horrible it's traumatizing etc.

I think that after time and healing you will feel strong enough to let go and will know that is what you need to do. You can accept the marriage was not as you believed it to be and that you deserve, well you and your kids deserve much better. There is an idea that reunification is possible in these situations...that is what I was told but I don't believe so now after the lengths my step dad went to continue abusing all while claiming healed. Also I wonder if your husband is getting counseling why is his counselor not reporting? Did your husband deny it also. He absolutely will Not be getting any help if he isn't dealing with his issue. He should be accountable and he should turn himself in. He needs to own what he did and you need to heal. Pedophiles don't get to have a family that's what they pay for their behavior. I'm sorry you are going through this. Find a support group for codependency. Having support will make all the difference. I go to a celebrate recovery group it is great I finally feel like I'm not completely alone.

heartsadx3 - yes, he is in counseling and the counselor is aware of the situation, I made sure of that. I found out that he was terribly abused as a child and teenager. he is also a recovering alcoholic. I just can't believe that him being in jail would solve anything, what does that fix? yes, i agree that eventually i hope i can let go of him and move on, but that is not where I am at right now.
bonnieboo11 - yes, I've made many mistakes and irrational decisions, this is a terrible situation and i've done the best that I can. what is disturbing is NOT me, but my husband who was abused himself and yet turned around and abused his children.

Why jail would be good for him is that he is accepting responsibility and the consequences of his choices. He is playing the sympathy card and getting away with a crime. If he is truly going to make a change for the better to avoid this in the future he needs to own it 1000% he needs to be humbled admit his wrong doings accept that those choices have legal consequences and walk through that process.

I have read that the more the offender gets away with his crimes the more bold he becomes in carrying it out. If you understand anything about codependency than you recognize you have rescued your husband saving him from the consequences. Perhaps this is a pattern in your marriage but what you don't realize is you aren't helping him you are keeping him from learning and growing through the negative situation especially if he is reaping consequences from his own actions.

My step dad had a heartfelt apology letter where He described his own abuse and childhood hurt....this I have learned can be a tactic to manipulate through empathy. Your husband does not have empathy or he would have never done what he did. Many men are abused and don't go on to abuse same with women. The fact that he did means there is something seriously wrong and he could very well be a physociopath. Do you tend to believe everything he says he may very well not be honest with his counselor. Is this person qualified to treat a pedophile my guess is no, and don't rely on the counselor to refer out if their out if their league because their wallet is being filled. Trust me on that one. My step dad's counselor did us a great injustice never letting us know that pedophiles have to have very specific treatment, he tended to side and believe my step dad and did not protect my kids. Knowing what I do now from My own research it is astounding what bad counseling my step dad received. It was no wonder it continued.

It shouldn't be up to you to call the shots when it comes to your husbands consequences and to decide if jail would benefit him...that should be up to the courts. You should decide the consequences as they relate to your marriage and children. You may very well regret the choices and you yourself experience negative consequences down the road. What if he gets partial custody or unsupervised visits, their are moms who are forced to leave their children with an abuser because they haven't been able to prosecute.

You're kind of in a catch-22; if you're in the United States and you went to any other counselor and told them what you just told us, they would instantly call the police due to mandated reporter laws. Your therapist is committing a crime.

Your husband also committed a crime that he should be punished for and also given help for. While you may have kicked him out, you're still protecting him. You told your daughter to sabotage the prosecution! When she is older, she will probably resent you for this.

Seems like both you and your husband have to work on accepting responsibility for your actions.
"I had nowhere to run" - I don't know about where you live, but I once went to Children and Family Services and before I could explain what I was there for, they were telling me that they were going to set my children and me up in a shelter. (That wasnt why I was there - nor did I need that)
"I don't have a supportive family" - many on here don't have a supportive family
"I was offered no help" - you told your daughter to send the help for her and you away.

I get blasted on here for being too harsh / blunt sometimes... But your life is not going to start getting better until you start looking to your very own self for who to depend on.

Codependency is NOT an excuse for these behaviors, it's a problem that you need to look at in yourself to fix starting today. You're not headed anywhere good with this issue and are likely to keep repeating history in one way or another.

I was told by my attorney that codependecy is seen in the courts equal to a perpetrator - because a codependent is likely to find herself with yet another perpetrator.

Stressedmom,I am in no way judging,I know it is hard to leave.May I tell you a story about myself? I was in an abusive marriage for 10 years.He was abusive before we married but I thought after we married his jealousy would subside. I spent many cold nights in the car after climbing out the bedroom window,sometimes I could grab the keys to start the car for heat and sometimes not.I lived in the north and winters were cold.I had my head bashed into cabinets ,thrown into a door,I was humiliated in public,I was forced to sleep in a cold basement while pregnant( I later miscarried) with dirty clothes as a blanket.We never had children,I worked he didn't,all bills were in my name and also the car.I never left,Why? because I felt sorry for him because I knew if I left he had no one and no where to go.I have struggled for many years with "Why did I stay?" he last straw was when we were going somewhere in the car,I was driving,he slammed my head into the windshield,I almost had an accident and I looked over to see a car next to us and they saw everything.I decided then that I had enough.I fled and it was hard. I hope what happened to your children is your wake up call,by the way my family never knew any of this and they still don't.I was/am embarrassed so I can understand why you have not told them.Bad decisions are part of the journey,we are not criticizing you,we just see what you don't yet.I know the feeling of being all alone but you are not alone.There are so many support groups out there.Your children will always remember, "mom did what she had to to keep us safe" Sorry to say this was not a "mistake" on his part.He bought a camera,mounted it and waited,that was premeditated.And if he never got help with his own abuse more reason to put some distance there.I agree with the stats,there is no cure. This is never easy and maybe with time reunification will be possible,but not now,not like this,Sending hugs and well wishes

I'm sorry the camera incident was not you story,got it confused.that what I get for having 2Windows open and trying to comment on both at the dame time

"Fondled" is such an interesting word, as it connotes fondness, a caring attitude. Someone who "fondles" a child's genitals is doing the OPPOSITE of caring for them. This is a destructive crime that can devastate the abused child. Obviously you get this, because you correlate your husband's current criminality with what was done to him as a child. So, rest assured, what he has done to your daughters will echo throughout their lives. And indeed, if they, seeing that Mom put her marital status ahead of their mental health, go on to lead very destructive/self-destructive lives, then you will have to live with that as well. Are you willing to accept that outcome?

What is really meant when the girls say they were "fondled." Just fingers? Through clothing? Or are they telling only what they can stand to share? It may cause too much anxiety to remember all the details during disclosure -- and even young kids want to protect the feelings of a non-abusing parent. They have a sense of how much that parent can bear. They also hold back because the shame they feel prevents them from revealing the full extent of the abuse. They may also have been threatened with violence if they tell everything.

I think it's safe to say that few of us parents on this forum got the "full story" from our children when they first disclosed. More often, the truth comes out bit by bit over time. What my adult daughter told me, more than two years ago, that she had been abused, she told me it was by a playmate. I thought maybe it was like "playing doctor." And indeed, that was true. But, as she later revealed, it was also by his father. And actually, it was the father first, but son was encouraged to engage as well. But she was afraid -- 16 years after she, a third grader, was savagely raped by a man in his 40s -- that it would be too great a shock for me to hear the truth, so at first she only told me what she thought I could survive. She had also been afraid that he'd make good on his promise to kill us all.

What I'm saying is that you cannot allow this man to be part of your life anymore, and absolutely not a part of your children's lives. Whatever happened to him as a child cannot justify his presence in your lives. What he has done to them requires his presence in a prison. Not just for the sake of your daughters' safety, but for the sake of their friends, of your neighbors, as well as of the children whose pornographic images he likely views online. Your codependency can drop dead -- and it may hurt or feel really strange -- and yet you will still survive. Your weighty conscience, however, will accompany you for the rest of your life, and that will surely kill you.

Trusting that your husband will "never" touch your son is naive. My daughter's abuser raped his children of both sexes, right in front of my daughter. Sexual offenders get a thrill from owning and controlling. Adhering to a sexual orientation is not their priority. In fact, 20% of molesters rape both boys and girls. That man should never be allowed to see his son. Besides, the message it sends to your daughters is this: you are okay with your son spending time with someone who raped them, and it's okay by you if that man continues to be a role model for your son.

I was horribly tortured and sexually abused as a child by my own father as well as other men who my parents profited from allowing them to abuse me... I will NEVER EVER!!!!!!!! Do that to a child, never!!!! Being. Abused as a child is NOT an excuse for being a perpetrator of abuse as an adult... I have NO sympathy for your husband, non whatsoever!!!! I'm exasperated by your response to tell your daughter to lie to protect the man who abused her... That is why I have not commented till now, because honestly I was to upset to even express my pain at hearing those words from a mother of an abused child! I was an abused child, I know your daughters pain!!!!! You where given a gift a precious gift of a disclosure only 26% of abused children ever disclose the abuse, and then you where given an even more valuable and much more coveted gift of justice! The perpetrator was in jail, I can not explain how many of us parents have lost years of sleep, peace, and sanity just praying for the perpetrator of our children to get a sliver of
Justice, jail being like the holy grail for us all, I can not even being to explain how amazing it would be if I could put my own abusive father in jail (and yes my father was abused as a child too!) but to see these perpetrators behind bars is the dream of so many abused!!! And here you where given two of the most important gifts that you will ever be given in the history of your life, and you just threw them away... Worse you dragged them through the mud stepped on them and then threw them away...!!! How, I mean how can you ask a little girl
Who has been abused and used to LIE to get her abuser out of jail????????? Come on!!!! Trust me, one day when your daughter grows up enough to comprehend the level of betrayal that you committed she will resent you! And no your son is not safe!!!! If you read about pedophiles they do not have a sexual preference!!!! They only care about power and control and if the victim is a child that is good enough for them... So I would expect your son to grow up to be just like his dad if you continue to expose him to that type of person!!!

Sorry I'm so harsh, but I'm extremely triggered by your story!!! As an abused child myself and a mother of an abused child i am
Beyond triggered by you protecting your pedophile husband, making excuses for his behavior, and perpetrating abuse on your daughter in the form of forced or coerced lying to protect the pedophile! Ugh please please wake up and realize your daughter deserves better! And that your husband is manipulating you...!! This will not end well
For your kids!!!!

P.S. Sorry for loosing my cool everyone...!!! It's just that I have PTSD from my own father abusing me and this is just a huge trigger! I was abused, horribly abused!!!! But I would never never never abuse a child! That is NOT AN EXCUSE!!! It can never ever be an excuse!!!!

I think your remarks were right on, lovesmama -- not at all over the top. Stressedmom, shock gives way to denial, and denial can be a very thick wall that protects us from experiencing the full impact of our fear and anger. They can be strong enough to destroy us. Or they can guide us to a greater strength. But sitting behind that wall -- breathing in the same poisonous atmosphere -- will take us no place at all, and definitely continues to do harm to those forced to dwell there with us. Your children are not old enough to understand why and how they need to detach from your codependency on your husband. Eventually they will have to do so if you continue to expose them to this loser -- yes, he has chosen the loser's path -- who deserves to be kept away from ALL children, for as long as possible. OR, you can instead do whatever it is necessary for you to do NOW to overcome whatever sense of self-worth it brings you to remain in contact with this criminal who has damaged both of your children. It's time to take the focus off your needs and to put the focus on your children's needs instead. Your true self-worth will come from doing the right thing for your children.

I say that he has already damaged both of your children because I have seen the loss of relationship between my abused daughter and her non-abused sibling. The non-abused sibling often suffers the wrath of the abused sibling, a result of PTSD, and the non-abused sibling may act out in return. It is a vicious cycle that robbed my children of the sense of family my husband and I worked so hard to create. The abused sibling's emotional growth is stunted by the abuse, and she may have a harder time expressing her emotions than the non-abused child, and worse, she has learned much about how to hurt someone in secrecy. The non-abused child often looks like the aggressor as a result, and takes blame for being set up by the abused child. This damages the ability of the non-abused child to trust that Mom and Dad are looking out for his/her interests.

Thank God, after 17 years of friction and/or apathy toward each other, my children are finally becoming friends. I hope their new sense of unity lasts a lifetime, but I will never forgive that Nazi for the joys of childhood he stole from BOTH of my darling children.