I'm new to this group, but have been struggling for so long.  I had two children of my own when I married my ex. My daughter was only 6 months old when I met him. His family was decent caring people and very accepting of my children. He had also been abandoned by his bio dad and adopted by his step dad. He was very good with my children and they loved him. He ended up adopting my two children and life was perfect for a time. Friends and family expressed their jealousy over our perfect family. We ended up having 3 more children together, one passed away.  He was the only dad my first two children knew because their dad abandoned them for drugs. My daughter loved him to pieces and for years I would joke that I think she liked him better than me. When my daughter was nearing her teenage years, she became disrespectful and rude to him, but when ever she needed something or wanted to do something she thought I would not approve of, she would ask him, he always told her yes. It was frustrating and I had many arguments with him about these things and many arguments with my daughter about her disrespecting him and being so rude. I thought it was just teenage rebellion. At the age of 14, she ran away.  We found her at a construction site cold and scared. The police scolded her for putting herself at such risk and for worrying her parents and proceeded to tell her stories of other kids who weren't so fortunate to have parents as good as hers. She never gave a reason why she ran away, but I did find it odd that when we were having a family discussion afterwards, my husband said the strangest thing that struck me in an odd way... he said "maybe some one is messing with her" and he turned to my daughter and asked her bluntly if some "boy" has been pressuring her to do things she didn't want to do. She said no, but because it struck me so strangely, I asked her in private if anyone had messed with her and she denied it. So, as I always had said to my kids before, I said "you know you can tell me anything and I'm here for you" and "you know that anytime anyone tells you not to tell your mom something that you need to immediately tell me" she said she knew and there was nothing to tell. So I then approached my husband about his comment and I asked him flatly why he said that and if he had messed with her. He denied it with a few curse words that I would even think that way.  I was a bit stronger at the time so my response was "well you need to know that if you ever do, I will kill you." He assured me I had nothing to worry about. I should mention that by the time this happened, the intimate time with my husband had dwindled to near non-existent because he didn't seem interested and I spent a few years begging for his attention. He assured me he was just stressed and it was not my fault and he would try better, but he never did.  I did end up having an affair with someone who was willing to fulfill my need for companionship but it didn't feel right so I cut that off and began to put all effort into trying to figure out what was wrong at home and fix it. My ex would encourage me to spend time with friends and he would volunteer to keep the kids so I could socialize.  Things seemed to be improving as far as our friendship went, but the intimate part of our relationship was still very lacking to the point where when he did try, he couldn't perform at all, but he was trying so I worried about his health and tried to be supportive about his "problem" in that department.  Then, one perfect day in our beautiful home, the world caved in on me. He had taken our two younger children to the park to play catch while I worked on homework as I had returned to school at his prompting.  My daughter approached me, she laid down next to me on my bed and I will never forget her words. She said "mom, you know how you asked if someone had messed with me?" My heart sunk and anxiety immediately took over my world, but I had to be there for her. While trying to maintain my breathing I said "yes, honey, who was it?" And then the words she spoke sent me into a tailspin, "It was dad."  My immediate reaction was to do all I could to stay calm. I suppose somewhere in my heart I was hoping she had misunderstood something so I asked "what did he do?" She said "everything."  I was not prepared. I did not know what to say. My mommy investigation skills  took over on their own I guess because I asked "did he have sex with you?" And she said "yes, if that's what you call it" so I asked in more professional terms if he had penetrated her and her response was yes. I don't know how I managed to contain my emotions and anger in that world crashing moment, maybe it was auto pilot, but I told her I believed her and that he would be in big trouble for this. Her older brother had recently gotten his drivers license. I could see the anger in his eyes as we met each other on the staircase. I asked him to take his sister for a drive while I confronted their "dad."  He did. I called my ex home and with the two younger children sent to play, I confronted him. He denied it in a split moment until I said "don't you dare make her out to be a liar you ***** ***!!!" He instantly broke down in tears and his response was "I need help."  I called his parents to come remove him from my home. He admitted it to them also and they were embarrassed and disgusted with him, but his dad, in his own way, suggested I take care of this on my own without involving law enforcement.  They wouldn't allow him to stay with them so he packed a suitcase and left. I immediately called my closest sister who informed my parents and with the support of my sister and my mom, I contacted law enforcement. I worked with the detective to locate him for an arrest and he eventually gave his confession to the detective from a jail cell. I have struggled with depression for other traumas in my life, but this one was a doozy to say the least. I did my best to parent my children and support my daughter.  One day shortly after she courageously disclosed to me, she came home from school and wanted to talk. She had already given me so many details that I constantly felt like puking, but I was there for her whenever she wanted me to be, no matter how hard it was to hear.  I may have been over supportive because at times, I would tell her not to sugar coat anything with the detective and I would say "if you want him to go to prison you have to be very honest so they can lock him up forever. This was very hard for me because the man she was telling me about was not the man I knew. It was like a horror movie "the call is coming from inside the house" kind of feeling. But this talk was different. She told me that she didn't want me to send him to prison, she just wanted me to make it stop. The abuse started when she was in third grade and lasted until she disclosed at the age of 15.  I couldn't help but feel like all the years I spent with this man was nothing but smoke and mirrors and I felt the deepest betrayal, yet, I still loved my husband. I always wished that love would be easier to just switch it off, but it doesn't work like that, even in the worst of situations.  Our victim services worker explained to me that a confession like this is rare. The DOC agreed and felt he showed a good deal of remorse. The words "family reunification" and "sex offender treatment program" were new to me, but suggested. He spent a lot of time behind bars and in therapy and we spent a lot of tears and time in therapy. After we worked towards family reunification for a few years during which I still could not function as an emotionally stable human being, it all came to an end. I caught him with pornography and drugs and he also admitted thoughts of my daughter. I immediately contacted the DOC and the family reunification process was instantly halted. He went to prison and I continued therapy for a time with my kids who were all on board with every decision along the way, including family reunification when we were working towards that. They told me he could be helped, but now I don't believe it. The issues now are that immediately upon my daughters disclosure, I fell deeply depressed, suicidal, and isolated myself from the world. If my sister had not come over and forced herself into my world to keep me going, I have no doubt I would have taken my own life. My oldest son became an adult and had a change of heart about the reunification we had attempted and now holds that against me. He hasn't spoken to me in 5 years. Our therapist passed away and I am deeply devastated. He knew everything about me/us and I have no idea how to start over and I am afraid to. My daughter has suicidal thoughts and relationship problems and four children by 3 different fathers. My two younger children still see their dad and he has made comments to my other daughter (his bio child) that are inappropriate. All of my children are adults now. It has been nearly 12 years since the disclosure, but I cannot get my life back. I am remarried to a very understanding and supportive man, but I have these issues. I cannot trust a single living soul. I cannot prevent or stop the breakdowns that happen to me more frequently than I ever imagined. I was told in the beginning that it would be easier, but it is not. I still isolate myself to where the only friend I have now is my husband. I don't know how to get myself back, I don't know how to help my children, and at times, I feel too overwhelmed to continue being the rock for everyone. Though on the surface, my children only see the supportive me, they have no idea of the suicidal feelings I have and how their struggling affects me so deeply. I show strength, but I do not feel strong. I made bad decisions along the way and regret the time I spent on trying to reunify the family. My two older children have sought out their real dad and are building a relationship with him. He is no longer on drugs, but still has a drinking problem and is still abusive to his current wife. My two younger children have a small relationship with their dad (the sex offender) and I try so hard to keep them thinking straight about him without sounding like a bitter and hurt ex or saying anything too horribly bad about him... I keep it to the facts of what happened and I answer their questions honestly because they are also finding their way and are indecisive about having a relationship with him at all. I don't want to make that decision for them. I am now 47 years old and I spend all of my time in my house either alone, or with my new husband. I find it difficult to express the knots in my stomach, the lump in my throat, and the pain I can't seem to shake. I feel like my entire adult life was stolen from me and my daughters innocence and entire childhood was stolen from her. And my other children battle depression in their own way as well and I feel their lives too were stolen.  So here I sit at 47 years old and nearly 12 years later just waiting for my time to die. I'm so sorry for the long post. I'm new here and I do have a new therapist that I will see for the first time in February. She is familiar with my case as she used to work for the DOC and was involved then. I'm hoping she can help me put my life back together so I can feel stronger for my kids. I just feel like it has felt so bad for so long for all of us that there is no way to ever fix it and feel good again. I don't know how to rebuild my life and make friends. Where do I begin with that? I don't even know what my own interests are because I haven't had any since the disclosure and before the disclosure, my interests were really his, not mine. I fear I will die in this pain, but at the same time, I feel that will finally bring relief. Why do I feel so shamed when I didn't do this? Why can't I stop blaming myself for not being a better protector of my babies. It's so hard. Thank you for listening.