Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
My daughter is now ordered to see her grandparents. I am afraid that they will tell her to say everything was a lie! Does anyone know how I should/could deal with this? I can't really talk to her much anymore because she keeps repeating things that I say (which I am saying to calm her down and make her feel secure) and they are taken out of context and reported as me trying to influence her. I love how the whole system just wants to make sure that everything is hunky-dory for the abuser!
Also, last night, my daughter kept rubbing my other daughter all over. My youngest is an infant, so it probably was just my oldest trying to be sweet, but it triggered such anxiety for me. I asked her if she could just be careful and respectful of my youngest. She replied "Oh...because of the daddy thing?" and I said "kind of...it just makes me want to be more cautious that BOTH of my girls are taken care of and safe." She said "don't worry mommy, I would never do that. Sissy is too precious!" I lost it. I cried so hard. I kept telling her that she is precious too. These days have been so hard. Every time we have fun family time, I just keep worrying that somehow she will be gone from me. It's like I can't hold them close enough.
Also, last night, my daughter kept rubbing my other daughter all over. My youngest is an infant, so it probably was just my oldest trying to be sweet, but it triggered such anxiety for me. I asked her if she could just be careful and respectful of my youngest. She replied "Oh...because of the daddy thing?" and I said "kind of...it just makes me want to be more cautious that BOTH of my girls are taken care of and safe." She said "don't worry mommy, I would never do that. Sissy is too precious!" I lost it. I cried so hard. I kept telling her that she is precious too. These days have been so hard. Every time we have fun family time, I just keep worrying that somehow she will be gone from me. It's like I can't hold them close enough.
That is what stages the misery in fighting against a perp.
Perps are every bit willing, ready, prepared, and wont stop at anything, wont stop at any border or boundary to intimidate the kids to retract / not disclose
You on the other hand are very careful, thoughtful and frankly NOT willing to cross any of those boundaries the perp is - which makes this an UNFAIR situation, favoring the perp.
To fight this tho - you will dislike my advice. But it will also be delivering. You need to detach yourself more from the details. You need to do this to be strong for your children. They need you to be strong. Mush doesn't get the work done. There's not much room for you to collapse in this or that will give the perp more advantage. THIS is where you CAN win! Because, the perp may look like he's holding himself together on the outside. But imagine how you feel the non guilty one then imagine were you the guilty one. Next imagine how it is to deal with this being the more psychologically stable one. Next imagine how it is to fight this being the less psychologically stable one. This is how you win mama, so I give you permission to feel your child's pain less only so that you can be stronger to fight for her. Not only for these reasons, but the more you act like this going to be okay, the less your child will have effects of trauma. This is advice I received and am passing on to you.
Your kids may act out more for as long as they perceive they are in an unstable environment. So have a little more tolerance for their behaviors knowing some of this will improve as their environment improves.
I have always told my children - lies break your brain. If you keep lying your brain will get broken and you won't ever be able to stop lying. It's not right for any parent or adult to ask a child to hurt his / her brain. No one should do that to a child. This seems to help. The perp doesn't like it either bc he told them that I was wrong :-)
Most of all your children need to know you love them.
And don't let this moments stop you from being the great mom you are and put some greater emphasis on replacing bad childhood memories by creating good childhood memories!!!
I wish I had some help to give? Can you talk to your daughter's counselor about it? Maybe they would have some suggestions for you.