It's coming up on the one year mark of my world crashing down around my ears.  My 10yo son disclosed to me that his 16yo brother and he had a sexual relationship. Not full on sex, he said (not a direct quote).. but close enough.  I don't even remember how the conversation started - or what he said that made me think "wait a minute" and ask follow up questions to get clarification.  When I confronted my 16yo, he admitted to it.  Sorry.  I thought I was ready to share more of the backstory but I am not.

Long story much shorter without the backstory but still long. 16yo went with my husband and I when we reported it.  We set him up at my sister's house directly after and got him into sex offender counseling (which is extremely hard to find when it's not court ordered). This all happened before DHS, the Sheriff, and the DA were involved.  I got referrals for trauma counselors for my 10yo and my 13yo but it took longer to get them set up.  Either they only did adults, only worked with younger kids, or only worked with girls.  Finally found one both like and they've been seeing her weekly.  Since 16yo actively participated and is open to receiving help, things moved fast.  He was in juvenile all last summer, adjudicated in the fall, and is now living at a youth authority program that specializes in the type of counseling he needs to prevent later victims. I get 4 calls a week with him - less if other family members call him or he calls them, and try to go visit him once a month.  One condition to the YA program was he had to pass a polygraph after writing down his complete sexual history.  He did that and passed.. so now they are moving to the empathy letters.

Both of my other sons miss him and want to see him but neither I nor their counselor think they aren't ready yet.  Life is moving forward for them and I'm seeing my 10yo come out of the shell I didn't realize he had as the time passes.

It's hard to describe the feelings I had/have to others who haven't been here.  Even now I find myself wondering where I went wrong, how I missed the signs, how to help my husband and all three of my babies navigate their feelings about this, themselves, and each other, while trying to maintain the strength I need to make I through this. I'm seeing a counselor and am on a sleep aid prescribed by my doctor and still find myself barely functioning above water.  I feel guilty that I hate that things have changed. I feel guilty that my 10yo has those memories. I feel guilty that I am angry at my 16yo. I feel guilty that I still love him and still support him. I feel guilty that I'm glad it happened in my family so another family didn't have to feel this and them I'm horrified of being glad.  My 16yo is my husband's stepchild but is the only dad he's known.. and I feel like I let him down when my husband's love turned conditional while processing all of this.

I sometimes think it would be easier to have the abuser be someone I didn't birth because then I wouldn't be struggling with a lot of the feelings I have.  Loving and supporting an abuser while loving and supporting the victim makes EVERYONE look at every single action to try to figure out which one you love more...  and frankly, it's made me tired.

One of these days I put the whole story on here.  Until then, know that while I am sad and a bit depressed, my general mindset is good and I've never been suicidal. Life is slowly moving on while everyone gets the help they need.  One day at a time, right?