The forgiveness is for you and no one else. I forgive for me, and my sanity, and my health. You have lots of questions and all I can give you is my story. My 4 year old daughter disclosed in January that a 14 year old cousin had been touching her (that was just the tip of it, he basically did everything excluding penetration). I can tell you what happened in our case. I reported the disclosure to DCS (which at that time was only that she had touched him) and let my sister know that it had been reported (after also telling my mom for advice) and my sister left my house angry at me, not only for it being reported, but for telling my mother. In the mean time, he admitted to an incident where he had her touch him and explained it was a very "innocent" curiosity and stated that was all that happened, it was just the one time, and it never happened again. Well, a few days later we went for the forensic interview and my daughter had a lot more to explain including instances of him touching her, her touching him and talk about licking. Needless to say that admission was a kick in the gut. I could not talk to my sister as that could hurt the investigation - and other than a few nasty email exchanges, I no longer have a relationship with my sister or anyone in her family. Does it hurt, yes, but I have to take care of my family. I have been fortunate that those that I have spoken to have been very understanding and supportive (including my mother) with the exception of one person who is close to my sister. I can tell you that me and my sister will not get past this - if he were to admit everything that happened and be open to getting help - I would consider trying to reconcile her family, but I can guarantee that will never happen. We have accepted that this is our "new normal" and are taking steps to move on with our life. We currently have our house on the market (they live very near us in a small town) and are looking forward to moving to a new area to avoid any confrontation in the future. We have booked a cruise for Christmas to help my kids get through this first tough year where things will be so different. Him forcing himself on her is not a normal behavior and certainly needs to be professionally addressed. Your daughter may not be telling you everything that happened because often when children disclose they only disclose a little bit at a time (which my daughter did) and it will depend on your reaction if they tell more. My daughter is well aware of what has happened to him, and why we can't/don't see them anymore. I reassure her often that none of it is her fault and that we will be okay. Again, I forgive for me. I have forgiven him (I feel sorry for him that he will carry the burden as he will not confess), and he has a tough road ahead as their are harsh penalties in my state - but that is not for me to worry about - I have to worry about my daughter and keeping her safe and healthy. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks/says - you can only control your emotions and reactions to this awful situation. I will pray for guidance for you, as this situation is difficult and tears many, many families apart.

You will come to a place where you will stop asking these questions and understand you can never go back or grasp what a pedophile does...you just have to accept it for what it is now after disclosute. If not you will go crazy trying to do what is right for everyone but yourself and your family. Its always baby steps and syay focusrd on moving forward.

And in fact, we can do forgiveness and acceptance work here on Earth, as mobley4100 and cathymathy suggest, and this can bring some emotional relief. But only GOD can truly forgive; it's not really up to us,so we don't need to torment ourselves trying to be perfect (Christians, for example) by forgiving right away, or EVER. In fact, it honors the dignity of your daughter to be about as indignant as you can be at the moment. This is absolutely infuriating, as well as shocking and depressing, and deeply, deeply disillusioning. Unfortunately, these are all part of the grieving process we have all experienced, and I think all who have been on this forum for a while would agree: there's no way around these emotions. VENT here anytime you like. This is a place where everyone gets all of your mixed feelings. It's good to be heard, but you will quickly learn who, in the "real world" will actually hear you, and who will try to shut you down with minimizing talk such as "it's just sexual harassment." Forgiveness may, or may not, happen. God will take care of that in his own time. You concentrate on being the mama to your precious baby. That's why God gave her to you.

Thank you all for the kind words,I am so hurt,angry,disgusted. I grieve for my daughters innocence, I feel bad for my sister in law/ best friend, I know she is scared to death,I grieve for her also because I don't think we can ever be friends again.I even feel bad for her son who was only 13 and I feel bad for what he is about to go through.His father who committed suicide had a mental illness and I know my sister in law will be concerned for her son, My daughter has a lot of problems as it is mentally. God must think I am a very strong person to give this to me.

I think sometimes people tend to confuse forgiveness and bringing the person back into your life like nothing ever happened as the same thing, and they're not.
You may one day achieve forgiveness in your heart for this pathetic person with a problem.
But forgiveness does not mean bringing that person and all his hurtful allies back into your home, around your children, sending them gifts, and treating them like nothing ever happened. You don't ever have to do that nor do I encourage it.
You have a responsibility as a Christian to be your brothers keeper (your children's protector) and you can't do that job so well if you irresponsibly take forgiveness to the extent of completely forgetting.
In this instance, I think you will one day find a degree of forgiveness, a healthier balance of how to manage him and his allies, and perhaps a level of forgetting so that the thoughts of what he did doesn't intrude into your daily life.

Great point 96percent - we too will never allow our abuse back into our life. Because he is a minor and family I would consider reconciliation (but never unsupervised contact) if he were to admit all that happened and truly repent and accept therapy, but knowing that he hasn't makes me know that it will never be safe for my daughter to be around him. I do forgive, but that doesn't mean that will change our situation. As I said above, my forgiveness was for me. Unfortunately this is an awful situation that we all now know too well, but I refuse to let it defeat me or my family and will continue to take steps to move forward and champion my daughter as a survivor rather than a victim.

I just don't get it. Believe me, I want to. I believe to forgive someone, you have accepted what they have done and you forgive them. HOW?!



for-give


1. to grant pardon for or remission of (an offense, debt, etc.); absolve.

2. to give up all claim on account of; remit (a debt, obligation, etc.).

3. to grant pardon to (a person).

4. to cease to feel resentment against: to forgive one's enemies.

5. to pardon an offense or an offender.

I want to, believe me. I CAN'T. I can't even understand how to go about doing it. I understand we are imperfect humans. I understand that judgment and forgiveness belongs to God. I don't understand how such a monster can be forgiven, by me, and by my children.

I guess because he is a child himself, and that is the person I am. I try not to hold anger because I know that it doesn't hurt anyone but myself - and me forgiving him allows me not to hold on to that anger. I am certainly in the number 4 of that description. I do not pardon him - and know that he fully should admit what he did. I honestly feel sorry for him that he will have to live his life with the burden of the lie that he is living. Honestly I probably hold more anger for my sister who enables his behavior and refused to believe that he is not telling the truth - but again, I can't change how she reacts to the situation. And maybe too it is because we didn't have a "violent" act - as far as we know there was no penetration - not that it makes it any less of an offense, but my daughter was not actively held against her will or forcefully violated - I guess what I am trying to say is it was not violently traumatic like some of you have had experience with. I know that the effects can be the same, and I am not minimizing what he did, but trying to provide some information about why I feel the way I do. I think it is just who I am - and we all have to deal with these situations in our own way. I choose to forgive and move on (but not forget/enable/and allow everything to go back to how it was). I choose to do this for me and the health of my family. We are moving on with our life, hopefully moving out of the area to further protect my daughter, and making a fresh start. I am sorry you don't get it, and I don't expect you to because you are not me. My family was always very close, and believe me, this situation has been devestating (I hate it the most for my mother who has seen her family ripped apart and hates to see us move away, and my sister has limited communication with her because she supports us). I guess because I don't see him as a monster. Juvenile offenders are very different, and he had lots of factors that contributed - again not to make excuses, but he is a kid who needs a lot of help (and I hate that he will likely not get it because he won't confess everything), but again, not for me to deal with or worry about.

I admire your capability mobley. I hope some day to be able to do so as well. Our offender is my 74 year old father in law. Or was, since I no longer claim him. I continue to welcome your explanations of forgiveness and how to achieve it.

I can tell you if my offender had been an adult, I would not have been as easy to forgive. And I am certain your children's experiences were far more traumatic that what my daughter has gone through. I will keep you in my thoughts in prayers. Again, forgiveness doesn't change our relationship, will be non-existent from here on out. My brother-in-law is supposed to come and talk to my husband on Friday, so it will be interesting to see what he has to say as they were recently told that we are looking to move out of the area. It is awful that anyone has to go through this. I recently set up a booth at a back to school expo to promote The Mama Bear Effect and distribute educational material to try to prevent this from happening to anyone else (or at least allow them to be educated so they can look for signs and help their children disclose if it happens). That is my other way of dealing with this, doing what I can to help it not happen to anyone else. I can't imagine how I would have felt if it would have happened with an older adult, so don't admire too much as our situations are very different.