Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
So the drama continues here, my mother in law is so pissed off at me and I really did not do anything.Anyway my question is how do you guys determine which relatives to tell? I told one and she blew her top(mother in law that is).Let me explain, my husbands ex,his daughters mother is very much a part of the family.They were never married but do have a daughter together.My mother in law and her are close, always were,she has been in the family for 21 years.I began dating my husband when their daughter was 4, she is now 21 and there was some bad blood for awhile,as you can imagine.His ex and their daughter at the time were living at his mothers when we started dating(long complicated story) and he left and she and the daughter stayed,for 3 more years.Anyway her and I are now ok, almost friends.She is always at my inlaws, part of family celebrations, holidays,ect.In my mother in laws eyes she was the one my husband should be with and that will never change,So, I told her what happened,and she told my mother in law that I told her.I really don't care that she told her but my mother in law flipped! I don't even know why I told her,maybe a control thing? As you all know I am having a very hard time with this.I have the attitude that I can tell whoever I damn well please.My mother in law is very controlling and I guess I just wanted to,well I don't know what I wanted to do. If had my way I would send the whole family letters explaining what happened.Do any of you feel like this? What are my reasons for feeling this way? I would think with something like this I would not want anyone to know, but I feel like telling everyone.Perhaps I am looking for sympathy but I am not ususally that kind of person, I don't like to draw attention to myself,I hate crowds, I don't stand out at parties, I am a homebody.So what family members need to know? In our case my daughters abuser lives 9 hours away so there is no chance of him doing anything to anyone here, besides there are only 2 young grandkids in the family.
mobley4100
That is a decision to be made individually. We have chosen not to tell too many people in our family - even though I hate what happened, I feel that the other minor involved also needs the opportunity to get help and go on to live a normal life, and there has been enough strife caused in my family, I don't wish to create more. I have told a couple of cousins (that I am close with - and who are also close to my sister), and a few mutual friends, and my brother, and my in-laws know - basically those that are close to us and will have questions as to why there is no relationship with me and my sister anymore. You are still close to your abusers mother, so you will have to think about how this will affect your relationship with her - how will she feel when everyone knows? Yes, i think I should be able to tell whoever I want, but I don't want to cause any more upset for my mother - or destroy our family anymore than it already has been. You also need to think how your daughter will feel, it is really her story to tell. Really, unless your daughter will be in the care of family members who might let her have contact with the abuser - nobody "needs" to know.
worried-mom
I am a very open person. By hiding the abuse, it seems to me that you are ashamed of it. My granddaughter did nothing wrong and by not letting others know about the abuser your protecting the abuser. Her abuser was a teenager so nobody knows he did it unless we tell them. How do we protect other children from him if they don't know? All of our family knows, they don't discuss it in front of her, but she does know she can talk to any of us about it. We also informed other neighbors with children. Just my opinion.
bonnieboo11
I agree, secrets are not a good thing.But I second guess my motives.The woman I told has no contact with the boy, the families never got along so they are never together.Even on holidays if one is around the other is not,But I do feel that my daughter should feel no sheame and know this is not her fault.
rmbadger
My mil also begged me not to tell our extended family. She didn't want people to know what her grandson did. However, she chose to tell some of her relatives without checking with me first. So of course, I ended up hearing about it. I am not ashamed of my daughter in any way. The reason I have not told a lot of people is because some people's reaction is to treat my daughter like damaged goods. I also don't want her to constantly wonder who knows and who doesn't. So I have only told my husband's siblings and their spouses because their children are around the perp. I wanted them to know so they could make informed decisions about having their children around him. I also told my parents but that is it. As others have said, this is a personal decision but I believe you have said before that your daughter doesn't want people to know. Is that right? She is a older so I would take her feelings into account too. If the perp isn't around any of the people you are telling, I would hold back until there was a reason to tell. I TOTALLY get why you want people to know. You are angry and you want justice, and you haven't gotten that. When the perp is a minor, there really isn't justice. They may get probation and mandated treatment, but that is usually about it. It seems like you are being given the run around by the perps mom because she wants to protect her child. I also have a strained relationship with my mil so I get where you are coming from.
mobley4100
I agree with you rmbadger, and also agree with the other poster that "secrets" are not to be kept - but I don't consider not telling everyone what happened keeping a secret. I don't tell everyone, everything that happens in my life - and if anyone inquires as to why my sister and I don't talk anymore, I will be truthful, but not telling people who don't have a "need to know" is not keeping a secret. We certainly aren't hiding our abuse, and I have told people in my friend circle - for no other reason but to spread education on how easily this can happen. I want my daughter to know, and I tell her that she has nothing to be embarrassed about - but as rmbadger said, you have to take your daughter's feelings into account to. Sometimes when people are told they don't understand - and sometimes people won't be supportive - so that is something you have to be prepared to face.
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