In June of 2021, my daughter (who was 11 at the time) confided in me that her father (my ex-husband) had been SA her since she was 6. In that very moment, my world came crumbling down and my heart shattered into a million pieces. The guilt consumed me immediately and all of the "What ifs?" swirled inside my head.

Once I contacted law enforcement and CPS, I told the family and friends that needed to know. The hurtful remarks and questioning if I knew about the abuse or not came about, and that made me feel just as horrible. If I had known prior to her telling me, then I'd fucking do something about then. 

Needless to say, it's been a rough 2.5 years but our case is finally coming to an end. My ex-husband has finally plead guilty to the abuse (1st degree felony in Texas) and now, we're awaiting a sentencing hearing.

As grateful as I am to be able to close this chapter, the pain, guilt, shame, and depression are still there. It's so overwhelming and consuming and I feel so alone. I know I'm not alone but my husband doesn't and can't understand how much guilt and shame I carry. I've been hospitalized twice this year, once voluntarily and the second being a Baker Act. I am hurting so, so much and just want someone to talk to who gets it. I immediately started back on my meds once I found out about the abuse and I've been trying to find a therapist who I vibe with, but these feelings won't go away. 

I'm trying my hardest for my daughter and my other children, for myself, and for my husband. I've had no other choice but to be strong but I'm so damn tired. I wish someone could take the load off and give me a break. My depression is so bad, and for some reason, my husband has decided to take it personally. Which just adds to the depression and now I feel like I can't show him how I'm really struggling. 

Sorry for this being disjointed. My thoughts are all over the place.