Supermoms,I think we are all supermoms,you included.Ther is no getting over it,at least not for me!Every time my daughter has an issue it reminds me,in fact I think I am going to say right now the next time someone says that to me I may just punch them!.We will never get justice,our case was closed.But I can say it gets easier with time.Really hard to explain but I imagine it is like the death of a loved one,you never forget but it gets easier.In fact I believe this is like a death,the children we knew are now different,when the abuse started their childhood died,they were forced to know unspeakable pain.i for sure have not moved on,I still at times plot revenge,I'm depressed,I'm so angry sometimes to the point where I just cry.But I think once my daughter is doing better I will feel better.its a process,and I can say I am more clear than I was a year ago.Not better,but clearer.

I don't know your situation, but am so, so sorry that you are here. That any of us are here. I am glad that you are not going to end your life. As hard as it is to face, you have to be here for your daughter. Things will change. Darkness will turn to light eventually. It will never be the same. You and I will never be the same. I don't know that I'll ever move on from this. How could I? It's part of my story now, but I refuse to let it be the end or the defining thing that makes me bitter and sad and give up. I will find a way to turn this into something positive someday. Somehow. I will heal. Please forgive yourself if you haven't. Please get help for yourself if you haven't. Know that you aren't alone. Know that how you move forward can help heal your daughter. Much love.

I can add no further wisdom to Hopeful's and Ashley's comments above. I just want to sympathize with your desire to end it all. I am four years past disclosure, and I only recently stopped wishing I could just simply die somehow (yes, suicide would only add trauma, but a lightning strike, for example, can't be helped). I would go to sleep some nights hoping not to wake up. It's a long process, but the pain does become background noise after awhile, and gradually quieter and quieter, barely audible some days.

I have chosen to claim each day as "not being lost to monster family." So kinda a mental battle that I never (mostly) let them steal from us on top of what they already stole (my kid'so innocence, etc.) So when I run into a problem, usually I can trace it back to the abuse, and I just "fight" to win over that situation the best that I can so as not to surrender another item to the perp's! It's kinda exhaustingredients but over time it becomes "normal" So you rarely think about it. Don't give up...you ARE a super mom!

I just wish I could forget. I wish a day would go by that it didn't cross my mind. It's been 6 months for me since my daughter told me through Instagram while I was talking on the phone to my husband that he had been raping her every night while I was at work. I have a son with additional needs and I have had to go to sort of parenting classes to help me to support him better due to issues he had in school. At my last meeting with the lady she basically told me to snap out of it and that I couldn't let it control my life. I guess I have done but not by choice. Partly because of my son and school but mostly because of my debilitating Depression after the disclosure I have had to quit my job and I have too much time on my hands. Not a day has gone by since August that I don't think about it and cry even just for a few minutes. I keep thinking in my head I need to get over this somehow but I just don't seem to be able to. One of the worst things is that you can't tell anyone so most people just have no idea what your going through and expect you to be normal. I have told some people that my husband has died. That's what it feels like to me, I've lost who I thought was my soul mate and the innocence of my daughter all at the same time. Some days it still seems too much to bear. I've written letters to my family and my children (suicide note) I guess you could call them. I don't have any plans. I know my daughter would only blame herself. I just can't imagine living with this knowledge for the rest of my life.

Tell "that lady" to snap out of being a dick! Apparently that is ruling HER life!! How infuriating!

If if helps, please believe me when I say that I, and probably everyone else here, felt exactly the same way for at least the first six months after disclosure. You are NORMAL. This is abominable!!

Let me put it this way. Several years ago, I lived in an area that was devastated for weeks by a natural disaster. Six months later, people would still talk about it -- and would joke that it was "like PTSD." And that was something we all actually DID get over -- messes were cleaned up, power came back on, people went back to school and to movies, etc. But the deprivation and worries of those seemingly endless few days in the dark still lingered in our minds.

So....THIS CRIME? It's NOT over in a few days, or even six months later. The power is on, school is in, you may still even be able to go to work, and holidays happen as if everything is hunky dory. But for US, NOTHING is normal -- our emotional map of the world has been spun upside down, and we cannot find our way until, little by little, it begins slowly to work its way back upright. It will never look the same -- there will be new detours and some bridges will be out permanently. There's a LOT of relearning to be done. Some of us here have joked that it feels as if we should be given a Ph.D. in trauma management. Well, earning a Ph.D. takes a long time. There appear to be no shortcuts in this process.

I am just so glad that you have made the determination to remain among us, and to stand up for your children. You have had plenty of time to decide otherwise, so I am pretty confident that you are going to continue to make good decisions. One. Day. At. A. Time.

Keep writing. It helps!! HUGSSS!

I can relate to what you are going through. I found our about my daughter's abuse 4 months ago. She didn't disclose, but I found pictures on her father's phone. I see those pictures every day. I still cry regularly. I started EMDR therapy, which is one of two therapies used to treat trauma. I would recommend that. It has helped a lot. I'm back to work and am feeling more like myself everyday. I still see the pictures in my head, but I don't throw up every time they pop back in. I can relate to feeling like your husband has died. The grief I have felt from losing my person is horribly confusing. I don't know what to do with the years of pictures and memories. I don't know how to explain it to people. Everyone tells me life gets better because he is out of our lives and the abuse is over, but they don't understand the love I have for him didn't disappear. It is a confusing thing to feel. Try EMDR. That is my only advice.

I keep on waiting for something to happen that will make me feel better, when he's arrested I'll feel better (that lasted about an hour) when he gets denied bail I'll feel better, same thing again, now the higher court has also denied bail and I have now realised none of these things will make me feel better. I have an attorney now and she says it's almost a miracle that he's been arrested and denied bail twice but yet still I feel like a black hole inside. I know now nothing will ever take back what he's done so I need to put my focus somewhere else. My daughter is on a waiting list for EMDR therapy right now and I am taking to a counselor. At this point I can't really afford to pay for my own private therapy as a newly single mother and trying to save money in case we need to travel for court proceedings. My counselor keeps telling me to find things that give me pleasure. Nothing gives me pleasure anymore. I even dream about the disclosure. The other day I dreamed she was telling me details while we were sitting next to each other on a bus in public. It was the worst feeling ever. I can't even escape it in my sleep. I'm up most nights now until about 4am and then end up taking a nap during the day while the kids are in school. I have tried 3 different anti depressants and this one seemed to be working but when we came back from vacation back to reality I kind of back slided. Thank you all for listening to me and validating my feelings. I really want to ask that lady I see about my son how she thinks she would react if this was her daughter and her husband. I also get from some family members that my daughter is the one suffering the most and I need to focus on her feelings and not mine. Of course I know that!!!!! Her feelings are why I feel the way I do. Coupled with the betrayal of the person I just knew I would spend the rest of my life with. I knew you would all understand me. No one else can

That infuriates me,get over it,ha.How can you get over your husband raping your daughter! Maybe she will get cancer and you can tell her to get over it!I'm sorry that was probably not appropriate to say.its a wonder any of us can function!No matter what happens with arrest,conviction whatever I don't think it will help.its a process and please do not go back to that horrible woman and if you do tell her off for all of us!You are normal,it takes a lot of time.try to spend some time volunteering,it has really helped me to help others,I am even thinking about volunteering for the suicide hotline or child abuse hotline.For me knowing that others are out there gives me the will to help.

You would so good at either of those places, Hopeful. Broken, I'm so glad to hear that you have been helped by EMDR.

Brokenmother,
Has anyone mentioned a natural sleep aid called melatonin? I can only imagine how the never ending cycle of lost sleep is affecting not only your ability to function during the day but also compounding your already fragile emotional state! I remember that for the 1st year or so, I was giving each child and 30 minutes to an hour to talk privately at night. After putting everyone to bed finally, around 11 pm, I would stay up and hand write everything they shared down. Oh, the crampy writing hand! Sometimes this could keep me up until 2-3 am, which could be even worse if I broke down emotionally about it. Like you, falling asleep sometimes was near impossible! Plus I had kids waking with nightmares between 12-4 am. But I also remember the 1st night I was able to sleep well (partly due to recording things digitally/verbally...no more painful hand!) I felt like a different person the next day! I felt stronger.

If you haven't yet, please take melatonin to help you fall asleep at night. I know it won't erase the nightmares but maybe you won't feel so drained?

Wow, "snap out of it"---what an egregious thing to say. That reminds me of a story I heard a long time ago. An older woman who had a painful, debilitating condition who walked with a cane told her wise old friend that when she visited a church, one of the members said to her that if she had enough faith, her pain and debilitating condition would be healed. The wise old friend told her she should have smacked the church member in the head with her cane and said "if you had enough faith, that wouldn't hurt!"

I think it took me a long time and several therapists to realize this is something that is far bigger than us when you look at it in it's entirety all at once. I had to break it down and compartmentalize it. The parts that were really difficult I would put in a box and push into a corner of my mind, only to be taken out and dealt with either in therapy, or when I had the time and energy to mentally prepare myself for looking at them.

I also had to separate things into what I could have control over, and what I couldn't control. Basically, the legal crap was out of my control, and I had to let it go and resolve to let the detectives, prosecutor and judge do their thing, and resolve to accept whatever the outcome was. But the healing path we all needed to travel, figuring out how to do it, what it should look like for us, was something I could have some control over, and in reality is the very most important priority. I also couldn't afford to go to counseling every week after a while, so I went every 2-3 weeks after a few months of going weekly. I went once a month for a while, then stopped. 9 mos later, I felt I needed to return, so I went back every other week for a while. You can have a say in when you need it, when you can go.

I also realized that I needed to get involved with things that were different than things I used to do, things that were new, so there would be no association with the abuse. I hated leaving the house for months after disclosure, so I had lost touch with so many people, and since the perp was a teacher from our town, I didn't trust anyone's reaction to me anyway. I started with aromatherapy, I know this sounds almost outlandish, and I was such a skeptic, but it actually helped me to experience both relief from intrusive thoughts, and enjoyment. When my kids (adults at this point) saw me talking about how great I thought sandalwood and patchouli smelled (I'm a 60's throwback), and offered them a sniff, their faces lit up and just relaxed in seeing me enjoying something.

I always wanted to get into our family genealogy, so that's the next thing I pursued, even traipsing through graveyards looking for tombstones. This also created new thought pathways, AND my kids were very interested in hearing about my discoveries. There's actually a book written about my one family line, "Philemon Dickerson and His Descendants" by Wesley Baker. My older son moved home after college graduation and rescued a 1 yr old husky mix, and playing with and walking her was also very therapeutic. I then was asked by the detective on our case to consider going through training to be a crisis response team advocate for domestic violence. I took a long time to think about it and talked to my family about it, and they agreed I should try it. So I did it, and I also ended up doing helpline too.

Sorry about blathering on and on about myself here, but my purpose was to give you examples of things you may want to think about and look into to try and get a plan in place for healing. One other thing I wanted to mention is that my one son had EMDR and it helped him a great deal. He also volunteers with the sex crimes detective from our county prosecutors office by going to inservices and trainings and talking about his experiences to local police officers and county sheriff's department officers.

I hope this is all helpful information for you, and I'm glad to hear you've decided to stay with us here on this earth. I agree with the above concept that the perp does not deserve to have any kind of influence or control over our thoughts and actions. You and your kids are very valuable and precious, and this horrible issue needs to become at some point a sliver of what you are all about, because there are so many other great characteristics and talents you all have that deserve to have a far bigger slice of the pie that is you.

Keep coming here and writing, keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers... {{{hugs}}}

Melatonin,my daughter takes it every night,without it she would never sleep

Same here, Hopefulmama...3 kids in melatonin and oldest is now on something stronger...versatile? I haven't had to take it but a small glass of wine has done the trick a few times! Lol (I drink very rarely so a light-weight!)

Bandmom, I loved the cane story! :D

And Bandmom is also correct in suggesting that you find some way to escape -- AND to serve. Service is a great way to turn around that negative energy and send it back out into the world as something positive. You don't even need to go out to serve. You can just continue to be an ear for others on this forum. After all, you have expertise in this experience in ways others may not. Your own situation may give you a perspective others need to hear. And every time you write here, your soul expands a little more.

The things you used to enjoy may have lost their appeal -- maybe they seem too frivolous now, or they remind you of how easy life USED to seem. I used to belong to a book club before my daughter's disclosure. Almost instantly after disclosure, reading became unbearable -- all the stories we read involved some sort of trauma, and it just burned my soul. Anyway, I couldn't discuss my daughter's situation with anyone in my club; not only had she disclosed her childhood abuse, she also revealed that she was addicted to opiates, and all the women in my group had successful, high-achieving kids. On New Year's Eve of 2016, I finally read my first book in four years. It was the latest by one of my favorite authors, and I decided I was going to do nothing else that day but enjoy the book. I finished by midnight. It was a really good way to end the year, and I'm feeling free to read again. So the things you used to enjoy may come back as you begin to feel healed. But in the meantime, I'd recommend following Bandmom's path: try something you always wanted to do. You'll have no prior associations with it -- it will be new, and it will command your attention away from your pain in order for you to learn something new.