Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
Hello. I am new here. I'm feeling super alone, and I really needed to feel like someone in this world knows the pain and hurt I'm feeling, because I don't even understand it myself. My 4 year old son disclosed to me in January of this year that his father was touching him innaproriatley. We didn't have any kind of court stuff legally so I have kept him since then. I did everything from putting him in therapy immediately, a doctor visit, police, CPS, etc. my son didn't disclose to the forensic investigator so they closed our case. I spent every day feeling like I was fighting against everyone to just believe my child. My ex took me for full custody and I have pending court stuff happening. My son then told his therapist about a month ago, and she reported it and we were able to do a second forensic interview this past week. He disclosed but no details, just simply stated a sentence of my dad does this and then walked out. The police were able to open an investigation and I'm waiting for them to let me know what will happen next with questioning but CPS still have yet to contact me to let me know if they will be re opening a case or not. I am constantly stressed that my child will have to go back to him, and have this continue to happen. I am terrified I won't be able to keep him safe. I feel broken and hurt and angry. I saw my ex for the first time since before my son disclosed at our first court hearing the other day, and ever since then I am experiencing 100 different emotions. Im having flashbacks of our relationship, which drives me crazy because I should absolutely hate him for what he did and I do but also my brain just can't understand how that person I spent five years with, is this person. I mean he was awful 90% of the time and now I see the red flags I didn't see then, but I never would've imagined we'd be here. And I don't understand why im feeling this way. I just want to know why he did it, how or what I don't know. I want it all to go away, I want to go back to when my child had two involved parents. I want to co parent with the only other person in the world who should love and protect him with me. I feel depressed, anxious, I'm exhausted 24/7, I'm disassociating, I feel so broken. this is the worst pain I've ever experienced, I am trying to make sure my son heals, and help him but this is so heavy.
This experience rewires your brain. I believe that it's actually part of the healing process, but the pain of growing is REAL. It includes:
• the sense that you have to start from scratch with establishing what is real or not
• the realization that your personal story is a lie -- TO YOU
• the desire to make it go away and get back to what you thought was normal
• the impossible wish to erase this reality from your son's life, and the knowledge that he is probably in for long-haul or intermittent therapy as he grows
• the sense of isolation because the subject is so taboo that a.) friends and family may not believe it actually happens, let alone be willing to discuss this, and if they are, they totally won't understand how this messes with every moment of your day (at first...), and b.) the lack of support groups where people actually DO get this
• that gnawing feeling that you are somehow to blame; you are not in ANY way to blame, but this feeling may persist, sometimes for years; it's one of the longest-lasting effect on a non-offending parent
I've never been the same since: I'm a hell of a lot tougher than I was before. This will happen for you, too.
One of your first responsibilities to yourself is to realize that YOU have also been manipulated by the perpetrator. Perhaps you've been gaslighted. This is psychological abuse. This is likely a main reason you're still flashing back to a past that -- in hindsight you can see -- never was. Please, please find a therapist for yourself as well.
You have done EVERYTHING right since disclosure, including getting therapy for your son ASAP. Believe it or not, many parents resist this, thinking it's only going to cause a child to dwell on the damage. But the bigger risk is for a child to stuff down those negative feelings, only to have them play out in ways that are more damaging later. So let that be a guiding light for you in these dark days: you have done all you can for your son, but nevertheless you are in shock -- instant PTSD -- yourself and must take care of yourself. Good for you for reaching out here! Step two is to reach out for an in-person or online therapist for yourself.
Other sources of support/info:
www.mosac.net
RAINN.org -- call their hotline anytime
1in6.org -- this org focuses on boys and men who have been sexually abused
YOU ARE LOVED, and you deserve every bit of it. Keep writing.
Part of that insane reality is the way the legal case was dismissed because he wasn't ready to tell what happened to a stranger in a strange setting. You can keep asking your CAC or therapist or your local RAINN affiliate for advice on that--if he discloses more in therapy, the therapist can make another report that they would have to investigate again, etc. It's all a balancing act between what you have to put him through and the chance of making his dad face legal consequences. I don't know what the best thing is to do in your situation but you do have the option to keep pushing the system at some point.