Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
OK, first and foremost I would like to apologize to the ladies here for the guy talk that is about to go down.
Erik I am deeply sorry for the massively fucked up situation your family is in. And the fact that the perpetrator is your sister's step kid just adds another level of fucked-upness. I can understand why you are about to crack. But dude, it's not your fault. I could tell you to not blame yourself till my head explodes and it probably wouldn't make a difference, but it needs to be said. STOP BLAMING YOURSELF! Blame that little mother fucker that actually did it. Take all the hate, all the anger, all the pain, and that violence brewing in your subconscious and direct it at the right person. The Perpetrator. Now, I am not advocating going out and putting a bullet in his brain. What I am telling you is to direct the pain out, not in. My issue is anxiety. Not the "why did I not see the signs of abuse" kind of anxiety, mine is "the caged animal wanting to rip that shit bag apart" type of anxiety. That's why your wife is so functional. A mom's pain and anger comes from the love of their child. We, as men, have a violent and territorial component to our anger. It's just a lot harder to move on. Damn testosterone!
Your wife wants to make the rest of your daughter's childhood as good as possible. She doesn't have a violent primal being in the back of her head wanting to go kick some ass. So now she can shift back to being motherly. Sucks for us, huh.
Work is demanding. I feel ya. I am a cop. Yeah, even cop's kids get abused. Fucking crazy ex-wives and their fucked up boyfriends. I have had weeks where I didn't do much besides eat lunch and drop a deuce. I could not get it together. So I started meditating for 10 minutes when I got to work and every time my mind started taking a dark turn. Yeah I know it sounds dumb, but it works. I like to think of it as brainwashing myself into being productive. Just set the timer on your phone, shut the door, and close your eyes. Say to yourself " I am at work and I am going to be productive" " I am focused on my work" "I am letting all this pain go". I picture myself as being an unstoppable force and breaking through any obstacle. After a while it will help you with your whole day. Just let it go. And no I did not deliberately quote "Frozen". Damn Disney!
As far as alcohol goes, man there isn't a dad here that didn't get smashed at least once after disclosure. But if your an alcoholic you need to stay away from that shit. I don't particularly like anything that numbs you. Xanax or any of that shit. Pain is meant to be felt. It's how we know something is wrong. So don't medicate, get active instead. Go buy a 100 lb heavy bag and get to work. I have damn near broken my wrists hitting mine. I did finally break my bag. Much satisfaction. You have to work off all that anxiety man or it will burn you up.
9 months of counseling, huh? I don't put a lot of stock in counseling. At least not for myself. I know I will catch all kinds of hell for that but it is how I feel. There is no amount of counseling that is going to change the past. Talking to someone about my feelings doesn't make me feel better. It makes me feel worse. I need to move on and put it out of my mind. I get worked up just taking my daughter to her counseling appointments. I feel like I want to decapitate that mother fucker for making her have to do this.
So, this next bit of advice may seem a little harsh, but bear with me. REACH DOWN BETWEEN YOUR LEGS, GRAB YOUR NUTS, AND MAN THE FUCK UP!!! You are the man of the house, the patriarch, the king of the mother fucking castle. ACT LIKE IT!!! Your family takes queues from you. If you are on the verge of falling apart, so is your family. If you are irritable, so is your family. If you are dealing with your problems by self medicating, so will your family. Do you want your little girl blaming herself for your pain? Do you want your daughter to grow up learning that you just need six shots of whiskey to deal with your problems? No. You want her to have the best damn childhood you can make for her. So if you feel sad, fake it. Be turbo dad. Don't let that shit bag take your daughter's innocence AND destroy your family. You have to be strong for her. If you aren't trying to make her smile every day, then you are failing as a daddy. So, get it together.
That's why I don't like counseling. A counselor will never talk to you like that.
Getting it together, includes your marriage. Push your own pain to the side and spend some time loving your wife. And spend some time loving up your wife as well. Dude, take her out on a date. Slap her on the ass and smile at her like you did when you first met her. This whole thing isn't easy for her either and watching you fall apart doesn't help. Leave your daughter with a trusted relative or babysitter. I know that sounds fucking crazy but you cannot hover over your little girl forever. Your goal is normalcy not abnormal parental smothering. If your daughter is not comfortable with that, take her with you. Have a family date. You can still slap your wife on the ass when your daughter isn't looking. Trust me on this. Your wife wants to be chased. Every woman wants to be chased by their husbands. I can assure you that if you stop chasing your wife, she will find a man that will chase her. Can I get an AMEN ladies? Is there one of you out there that doesn't want to feel loved and lusted after by their husbands? Dude make time for each other. You two were a couple before you were parents and you will be a couple when your parenting days are over. I truly believe that your marriage should come before your children most of the time. Basically don't make your kids the center of your lives because when the kids move off your life move away with them. So put your daughter to bed, tell your wife why you love her, nibble on her neck, and get it together. (pun intended)
My brother, I hope this has helped. If you need anything, holler at me.
Erik I am deeply sorry for the massively fucked up situation your family is in. And the fact that the perpetrator is your sister's step kid just adds another level of fucked-upness. I can understand why you are about to crack. But dude, it's not your fault. I could tell you to not blame yourself till my head explodes and it probably wouldn't make a difference, but it needs to be said. STOP BLAMING YOURSELF! Blame that little mother fucker that actually did it. Take all the hate, all the anger, all the pain, and that violence brewing in your subconscious and direct it at the right person. The Perpetrator. Now, I am not advocating going out and putting a bullet in his brain. What I am telling you is to direct the pain out, not in. My issue is anxiety. Not the "why did I not see the signs of abuse" kind of anxiety, mine is "the caged animal wanting to rip that shit bag apart" type of anxiety. That's why your wife is so functional. A mom's pain and anger comes from the love of their child. We, as men, have a violent and territorial component to our anger. It's just a lot harder to move on. Damn testosterone!
Your wife wants to make the rest of your daughter's childhood as good as possible. She doesn't have a violent primal being in the back of her head wanting to go kick some ass. So now she can shift back to being motherly. Sucks for us, huh.
Work is demanding. I feel ya. I am a cop. Yeah, even cop's kids get abused. Fucking crazy ex-wives and their fucked up boyfriends. I have had weeks where I didn't do much besides eat lunch and drop a deuce. I could not get it together. So I started meditating for 10 minutes when I got to work and every time my mind started taking a dark turn. Yeah I know it sounds dumb, but it works. I like to think of it as brainwashing myself into being productive. Just set the timer on your phone, shut the door, and close your eyes. Say to yourself " I am at work and I am going to be productive" " I am focused on my work" "I am letting all this pain go". I picture myself as being an unstoppable force and breaking through any obstacle. After a while it will help you with your whole day. Just let it go. And no I did not deliberately quote "Frozen". Damn Disney!
As far as alcohol goes, man there isn't a dad here that didn't get smashed at least once after disclosure. But if your an alcoholic you need to stay away from that shit. I don't particularly like anything that numbs you. Xanax or any of that shit. Pain is meant to be felt. It's how we know something is wrong. So don't medicate, get active instead. Go buy a 100 lb heavy bag and get to work. I have damn near broken my wrists hitting mine. I did finally break my bag. Much satisfaction. You have to work off all that anxiety man or it will burn you up.
9 months of counseling, huh? I don't put a lot of stock in counseling. At least not for myself. I know I will catch all kinds of hell for that but it is how I feel. There is no amount of counseling that is going to change the past. Talking to someone about my feelings doesn't make me feel better. It makes me feel worse. I need to move on and put it out of my mind. I get worked up just taking my daughter to her counseling appointments. I feel like I want to decapitate that mother fucker for making her have to do this.
So, this next bit of advice may seem a little harsh, but bear with me. REACH DOWN BETWEEN YOUR LEGS, GRAB YOUR NUTS, AND MAN THE FUCK UP!!! You are the man of the house, the patriarch, the king of the mother fucking castle. ACT LIKE IT!!! Your family takes queues from you. If you are on the verge of falling apart, so is your family. If you are irritable, so is your family. If you are dealing with your problems by self medicating, so will your family. Do you want your little girl blaming herself for your pain? Do you want your daughter to grow up learning that you just need six shots of whiskey to deal with your problems? No. You want her to have the best damn childhood you can make for her. So if you feel sad, fake it. Be turbo dad. Don't let that shit bag take your daughter's innocence AND destroy your family. You have to be strong for her. If you aren't trying to make her smile every day, then you are failing as a daddy. So, get it together.
That's why I don't like counseling. A counselor will never talk to you like that.
Getting it together, includes your marriage. Push your own pain to the side and spend some time loving your wife. And spend some time loving up your wife as well. Dude, take her out on a date. Slap her on the ass and smile at her like you did when you first met her. This whole thing isn't easy for her either and watching you fall apart doesn't help. Leave your daughter with a trusted relative or babysitter. I know that sounds fucking crazy but you cannot hover over your little girl forever. Your goal is normalcy not abnormal parental smothering. If your daughter is not comfortable with that, take her with you. Have a family date. You can still slap your wife on the ass when your daughter isn't looking. Trust me on this. Your wife wants to be chased. Every woman wants to be chased by their husbands. I can assure you that if you stop chasing your wife, she will find a man that will chase her. Can I get an AMEN ladies? Is there one of you out there that doesn't want to feel loved and lusted after by their husbands? Dude make time for each other. You two were a couple before you were parents and you will be a couple when your parenting days are over. I truly believe that your marriage should come before your children most of the time. Basically don't make your kids the center of your lives because when the kids move off your life move away with them. So put your daughter to bed, tell your wife why you love her, nibble on her neck, and get it together. (pun intended)
My brother, I hope this has helped. If you need anything, holler at me.
I would like to share another brutally honest, though messed up, thought. All 3 of my children were sexually abused by my father in law. The last thing on my mind is sex. I am disgusted by the thought. Every time I think of myself (or anyone else) being aroused and enjoying themselves sexually, I think of what that man did to my kids. I do hope to get past this some day. But I wanted to throw it out there in case you try to nibble her neck and she slaps you.
You see the key is being passionate about life in general. I am passionate about my job. I am passionate about being a good father and husband. It's that passion that brings you close to your spouse and children. Yeah, that's it. It's passion of life. Think back to when you first fell in love. That warm feeling of euphoria when you were with your husband. Like nothing else in the world mattered. Get back to that. Your marriage should be an epic love story. It is time for the next chapter. It's time to fall in love again.
And, your kids can tell if mommy and daddy love each other. They will learn what it is to love by watching you. So, if you want them to grow up, fall in love, and have an epic love story of their own, then start rekindling yours.
Also, Men are very sexual creatures. We need sex. If he isn't getting it at home, eventually he will find it somewhere else. That will be the final chapter in your "tragic love story" and the beginning of his next "epic love story" with someone else.
Vengefuldad is onto something when he makes the distinction between sex and making love. When I focused on how much my husband and I need each other, and how we still deserve to be happily married, it became easier to touch and find pleasure again. It is a process -- it may take a few tries before you can get through it without mentally flashing on some pretty horrible stuff. It's okay to stop and start over, and to try to refocus on this other adult you love. Try to find a reason to laugh together, or just lie naked for a while, so it's not so serious. Does that help?
I personally think it may have been easier for him if the perp hadn't been our own son. He feels strongly that somehow this is his fault since he was from my husband's first marriage. We raised him since his loser mother basically abandoned him. My husband no longer loves our son and wishes he had never been born. I don't feel that way and still love our son but no longer want a relationship with him. My husband never voiced wanting to do violence to our son but I sure did!! I wanted to hurt my own son so I don't believe that men have the monopoly on wanting to hurt the perp.
My husband is a quiet loner so I truly worry about him not getting the support he needs. And I think you are right, vengefuldad, my husband did little counseling ( only a few months) about what happened to our daughter. As a couple we have been in marriage counseling a few months and he is learning to open up a little. A word about sex; we did go thru a dry period but I think it was more related to the horrible stress we were dealing with. Even now , after 27 years our sex life has still been amazing. That connection gives me a lot of hope for our relationship and our future. The love is still there.
Laura
You give men a good name!
Thanks to you, and some other positive male influences in my life, I have hope!