Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
My son recently revealed he and his friend (a close family friend) played "the f*uck". The other boy is 12 and comes from a VERY traumatic abusive birth family. My son has been telling me more and more details and I am literally sick. I trusted my family/friend's judgement of their son who although has so many issues, sexual assault wasn't something he showed signs of doing. CPS has been contacted but they won't be doing much. I don't know what can be done.
How do I help my son to keep his innocence? Will he think about this for the rest of his life? How do I protect him if the person who assaulted him was someone he loved being around?
All of us feel guilty for not stopping this from happening to our kids, but I just wanted to say that it's impossible to somehow know that a kid might do something like this. I say that as a mom whose own son molested his sister. He was the ideal kid, not just to me but to teachers, coaches, etc, and it was at about that same age. If this kid had a history of other trauma then there is the concern that he could have been a victim himself before doing this to your son. That's a big reason to try to get him into therapy too.
It isn't unusual that your son would still want to be with this kid. That doesn't mean it's a good idea for them to be together now, just know it's a common reaction at his age.
The woman who runs mosac.net--which again is an EXCELLENT website with info on so many aspects of going through this as a mom--has written a book called What Do I Do Now, author Mel Langston is a mom whose child was abused by her father and then went on to become a therapist and researcher specializing in how this affects moms.
Sorry you have to be here but glad you found us right away. You are welcome even if you wish you didn't have to be here.
If your son thinks about this for the rest of his life -- he may -- it will be within the framework you provide -- something like: "That boy didn't understand (or respect) boundaries or age-appropriateness. The activity wasn't your idea. He was bigger than you and, like any 6-year-old would, you thought he was your friend. Now you know that friends understand boundaries. You are still a whole person with your own ability to choose. I'm so glad you told me -- it was a good idea to tell me so I could help as soon as possible. Asking for help is always a good idea."
Another resource, specifically for boys: 1in6.org.
My 5 y o daughter was sexually molested toward end of her being 4 y o by the 13 y o son of my PT babysitter.
* My daughter had been going to the sitter on & off 2 yrs, and was recommended by her nursery school bestie whose dad is a police officer and sends his daughter of the same exact age to her.
* I want to believe that the abuse happened only from late Aug to mid-Nov of 2020 because the son being home wasn't an issue because he was in school--until COVID when schools closed. However, we were moving in August and it slipped my mind that son would be home--which may or may not have affected my decision to leave her, but I'll never be sure.
* That not nerdy, not bad-looking 13 y o, groomed her, a 4 y o, as a girlfriend. I get the stats saying he may have been molested, but I'm no where near ready to be forgiving in that regard.
To: howtokeephisInnocence--I love your handle. It speaks to this hole in my heart.
Your situation sounds very similar to mine. Kudos to you for being a mother who allows her child to socialize with a boy with issues, as it shows you believe(d) in that boy's goodness. And kudos for asking and dwelling upon "how to protect him because his predator was someone he loved being around".
I'm finding that that's how you do it. By asking, searching, and making sure your son is able to express himself. Please don't listen to those who say, "he's young, he'll forget about it." One thing I am sure of is our children need to see a specialized therapist (so hard to find psychologists who work with "Children 6 years and under") to work through issues like shame, or sensations of pleasure, and the confusion it all brings. It wouldn't be forever. Maybe a few months. But essential to their long-term well-being. And then it's up to us, as mothers, to continue the life-long teaching of boundaries, body image, and self-love. And, all in all, your son and my daughter will be okay. We will reclaim their innocence for them by allowing them to see the world through our eyes as a safe place still full of magic, hope, and good people.
If I may ask, one of the hardest things I'm struggling with is that details of her molestation have been tricking out for over 6 months now. And, just as I think I have a pretty full picture of what happened, a new sordid piece of the puzzle rears its head. Two days ago she told me about something he did that floored me. I still feel like I was punched in the stomach. And so I'm here.
I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm realizing that it's a different emotional roller coaster dealing with young kids who are just learning how to express themselves and have limited vocabulary. Just when I think I've got my head somewhat above water with the matter, a detail will come out and I'm thrown completely off balance again. And I feel this just keeps happening and I don't know how to cope. Have you had this experience? Has anyone else?
Thank you for your post and others for reading.
Disclosure often manifests as a slow trickle. It takes time for survivors to allow themselves to remember details. It's true even for adult disclosures (such as my daughter's -- truths kept coming to the fore over a period of months to a year). Brains know how to shut down access to traumatic memories in order to focus on getting through each day. But the reaction to trauma remains, and that's what we need to address -- so it has to come out.
Yes, it is an agonizing process; as much as possible, focus on your pride in the hard work your daughter is doing to express this pain. Sometimes we just can't take another word, and it sounds as if you're doing a good job, too, of listening as calmly as possible. We all have to fake this at times. We all must try to hide our murderous rage as much as possible, because that's scary for a child to see, whatever the circumstances. and especially for one who is traumatized.
Hugs, and thanks for the endorsement of therapy. This goes for the child as well as the parent(s). The existential question for children is: how can I feel safe again, how can I manage my PTSD? For parents, it's: how can we live after someone has killed the childhood of our beloved little ones? (That's PTSD, too, by the way.) We just can't do this alone.