Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
so I just found out last week that my son was sexually assaulted by a stranger. He was having suicidal thoughts and self harming so he went to the er and was admitted there for a week. He was started on Prozac while in the hospital. Therapy has also been started. I dont know what I want to get out of posting this, maybe some advice. I'm having a hard time obviously. I'm angry as hell at the person, who I don't know. He met him on a walk that he used to take when he was feeling sad. I'm also angry at my kid for thinking it was ok to meet up with a stranger. He's 15 so I never thought that he would go with some guy he doesn't know. I've always told them not to go off with strangers and now I feel like I can't trust him. I'm afraid to leave him alone to even go to work or for him to go to school. And because he's been suicidal I locked up all the knives and medicines, but I still see potential dangers everywhere. I want to be strong for him but I find myself crying often. I want to go to the police, but he doesn't want me to. I want this person to pay for what he's done, but I dont even have any information about him. Apparently they exchanged texts but my kid deleted them. And I called my carrier and they can't give me anything. I'm just frustrated and mad at the worldÂ
Anger is a huge part of PTSD, and it sounds as if you are fully in that space right now. I get it -- I knew the man who raped my daughter when she was only 8 years old: he lived right across the street. I just didn't know what he had done until my daughter disclosed at age 23. I was filled with rage -- I have plotted that neighbor's murder in my head almost every day for more than a decade since disclosure. I didn't act on it, but that anger was appropriately targeted.
I felt almost as much anger at myself, for allowing contact, even though the anger wasn't deserved: we don't know what we don't know.
I also, surprisingly, felt some anger at my daughter for not telling me this essential piece of information for so many years -- years I could have had her in the right kind of therapy, and possibly taken the perp to court. This was the least rational anger of all: my daughter was a completely innocent person who was scared of the death the perp had promised he would bring to our whole family if she told.
Your son is also innocent. One hundred percent. Even if he broke your rules. I'd be enormously surprised if this stranger wasn't like almost every other person who rapes children: a master manipulator. These psychopaths can talk people into anything -- even if your son had protested. And if your son didn't protest? Still innocent. This stranger convinced him to break rules you had established, and knew how to get your son where he wanted him. It makes sense to be made ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED to your son, but not AT your son. And this is part of PTSD: we are so angry that we can't believe that somehow this was somebody's fault. That makes it easy to misattribute the blame, especially when the situation -- IN HINDSIGHT -- seems to have been somehow preventable or within the victim's control. That often happens when we feel so helpless because none of our excellent advice made any difference. But a 15-year-old is fundamentally a disrupter: "That advice was important when I was little, but hey, I'm a big boy now; I got this." He was doing what 15-year-olds everywhere do: mistaking himself for someone who was in control. Adults do this too, hence your own guilt, as I sort of said above.
So.....it's essential for you to absolve your son of any guilt. Suicidal people are already racked with guilt and shame, and if he gets a whiff of your misdirected anger, it will inflame these self-destructive emotions. If you could line your home with bubble wrap to protect your son from sources of harm, it would be all for nothing if he only sensed that you were angry at him for breaking the rules ("So look what you get!!!").
What is standing in the way for you to let this go, and to focus only on the genuine love and concern you feel for him? This is the space where you need to be with someone who is suicidal. How do I know? I know because my daughter was suicidal before disclosure, and even more so AFTER disclosure, like your son. My daughter chose opiates as a hobby just before disclosure, and addiction is a suicidal pursuit: the risk of imminent death is a constant companion. Consider this please: your son needs you now more than anytime since he was an infant. Work CLOSELY with his therapists -- and get a therapist of your own, so that he sees that you believe in and are willing to undergo the process in order to get well. Yes, clear the house of sharp things, if you think it will improve your son's odds, but mainly, clear your head of this misdirected anger so that you can be present with your son and really hear him, without the noise of that little devil on your shoulder saying, "Tell him you told him so,"
My heart goes completely out to you. This is the worst news you've ever received, and your son's reaction is the worst kind possible. This is so painful and scary that you can be forgiven for anything you might be thinking. Just do take the time to examine the basis of those feelings.
Your disbelief that your son went with a stranger may be an outlet for your sense of utter helplessness in this matter. When our children are sexually abused, part of our shock reaction is the realization that we moms have very little genuine control over our kids and their safety. All of our careful lessons can be undone by a manipulator. It's realllllly difficult to accept this.
My daughter was in therapy from age 10 and never disclosed her abuse. Only ONE of her therapists ever thought to ask me if my daughter had ever been sexually abused, and of course I said no, because I had no idea! That therapist might -- MIGHT -- have spared my daughter many years of suffering in silence, and ten years of addiction, if she had asked my daughter instead, preferably in my presence. So the fact that your son was able to keep this from his therapist is probably not unusual, and an indicator of his level of fear and shame. Poor baby.
Everyone should have access to affordable medical care. I'm so sorry you don't, and I'm so glad you've found this forum. Here is where I made "the best friends I never met," people who implicitly understood me on the very deepest level because we had all experienced this pain. Another resource is the Facebook page started by the woman who created mosac.net. You have to request membership, and when you do, you can ask how you can keep your posts anonymous, if you like. The group page is:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/499500870923726
This group has Zoom meetings on different topics. I've never been able to join because they occur during my work hours, but OH, for the opportunity to speak live and in person with fellow travelers!! I have never experienced that, and I expect it would be a very affirming place to be.