Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group

This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !

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hopefulmama 09/13/2017

I think we can all agree the level of guilt we feel is like nothing we have ever felt.I also think it is very important for someone to say we should not feel guilty,we did nothing wrong.I wonder if the perps feel guilt?It's amazing the things I feel guilty about and I think I sometimes feel guilty about things that aren't directly about the abuse.I feel guilty of course that I was in the next room,on the other side of the wall every time it happened.How did I not hear it? I feel tremendous guilt because for years my daughter was difficult,did not want to go to school,would not leave the house,I punished her.i put on her that mom and dad would have to go see the judge if she did not go to school,when she was just in the beginning of being abused.I remember times she cried for no reason and I could not help her.When it first started she was so hurt she refused to eat for 2weeks,she was not mentally well,she lost so much weight so quickly she almost ended up in the hospital,her body started canibilizing it's self.i would drag her to school crying and pleading with me to stay home.Everyone told me to be consistent and make her go.i feel guilty that she is in such a bad place now and some days I just don't like her,she is difficult,part of that is teen hormones.She claims to be gay,says she can't stand boys,doesn't trust them,and I believe she is not gay,just broken,disgusted by boys.He faith in God is gone,I know she blames him for letting it happen and for not healing her now.I have asked God to give her time,she does not mean it,she is broken.I hope he listens to me.I feel guilty that I blame my husband because this is his family,I told him many times I was not comfortable with the door closed,but he said it was ok,they are cousins,ha!I know none of this is my fault, this is all on her abuser but I can't help but think I wish she were never born,not for me,but because she is in such agony I can't stand seeing her suffer.

momtea5 09/13/2017

Many hugs to you. This part of the journey his just so hard. The guilt can be overwhelming. But there was nothing that was your fault and if you had know you would have put a stop to it. But i totally understand the thoughts you are having. I have them run through my mind daily... what if... but I am doing what I know to be right now. Just as i did then. You were doing what you thought was right. None of us but God has the ability to see all. So dont be so hard on yourself. Self love is a gift that we must give to ourselves, so that we can pass it along to our babies (even if they are grown)

lusks1 09/14/2017

You are writing my story.

All of it.

Every word.

Hugs.

Bandmom5 09/14/2017

My heart and prayers go out to you and your daughter....

warriormomx5 09/14/2017

I've worked really hard to overcome this feeling in regards to the horrible abusive happen to my children but mine is four-fold! I now know that half of my oldest son's behavioral issues during his lifetime we're due to a molestation from a neighbor kid that I had no clue about! And the irony is that I can see his symptoms in my now 5 year old almost identical to the type of anxiety that he had growing up that I just thought was Rebellion. And then to think that all the things I did to try to help my two middle ones quit sucking their thumb and felt so frustrated because nothing ever seemed to work and they refuse to even try and I just thought they were so rebellious also. Not to mention all the times they came home from the monster family's house and hadn't finished the school that I had sent over there with them and I scolded them for not doing their school and now realize part of that is because they didn't have the ability to because they were forced to do inappropriate things. I feel you but I'm constantly checking myself and reminding myself that I did what I could with what I knew and in the moments. Not to say that that guilt doesn't hit me every once in a blue moon but I'm at peace with the fact that I was the best mom that I could be with the revelation of truth that I knew in the time. Obviously now I'm a better mom because I have all the facts or at least most of the facts. And moving forward I can apply all this wisdom to be the best parent and grandparent that I will ever be. Sorry you're struggling so much.

Naive1.2 09/14/2017

Like Lusks1 said.......it all sounds familiar.

If I could take back every frustrated glare and eye-roll in reaction to my daughter's pleas to stay home, and every naive jump to call a new doctor for every persistent pain or body issue my daughter experienced.....I, too, read about the need for consistency. I listened and listened, and did not hear the real and most explanatory reason for her distress, same as you.

Because our home life was generally calm and supportive, and because the Nazi threatened her so thoroughly that we had no idea that our little girl was fundamentally wounded, we had no idea why she needed so much attention. And because she never told a single one of her therapists or anyone else what was going on, she grew to an adult age as a child with every part of her in need of healing.

This is a cruel, cruel, evil crime that leaves victims and loving parents in a chronic state of damage. We go forward, and feel brave, and something happens that seems to undo all the healing again. It's real, and you deserve only praise for being fully supportive of your daughter in the best way you could be before, as well as NOW, now that you know.

You are loved, and your support for others here is vital. You're valuable in ways you never could have imagined before, AND you're being the best mom anyone could possibly be to your daughter. She is still here, still dealing with this crap and getting better in ways you will see later. That's a credit to YOU.

hopefulmama 09/14/2017

Helping others is sometimes the only way I can get through the day.My daughter is making some dangerous choices and I am afraid if her future.i can see the train heading for the wall and as much as I pull the brake I can't stop it.i am preparing for the collision that seems inevitable and it scares me to death

Naive1.2 09/14/2017

I understand that feeling too well. It's okay -- natural -- to feel that way sometimes. At the same time, it's important that your daughter believes you still see her as the same sweet little girl she was. She needs to know that you still see the good in her, even if she can't see it herself. That's a hard line to walk -- firm about negative behaviors and yet always there to listen and to forgive and to find an encouraging word in spite of it all. At least, that's how we've been living for the past five years. Sometimes the negatives so far outweigh the positives at a given moment that it's like trying to sing a lullaby while hauling a sack of wet cement up a long, steep hillside.

Please be sure you're doing something for yourself, so your daughter can see what healthy self-care looks like. Exercise, music, reading a good book -- all are free (if you go to the library). In fact, you could have a "sustained silent reading" time at your house -- she reads, you read. Both of you can be "elsewhere" in your books, but still together, where you can keep an eye on your daughter without her feeling trapped. Just a thought.

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