I feel the same way you do. My life is runed I keep finding things that remind me of how we use to be together and I'm mad scared of being alone I want to know why he is still claiming his innocence but I have no clue I know what my girls have said, I have asked for a polygraph test from him and am still waiting for his answer to me asking. Stay strong

I can relate to this so much. There is SO MUCH cognitive dissonance. I have so many thoughts such as "how could have worked so hard to move in with us, throw me my dream wedding, put so much effort into getting to know my family, and make plans to spend the rest of our lives together if it was all a lie?". It can't all be an act, right? But, in the end, it doesn't matter. Many abusers of different kinds do wonderful things for their partners and of course they appear sincere in their love. If they didn't, who would stay with them? A man can be everything you ever dreamed of, but if he hurts your child, then none of the rest can compensate for it. It's not just about the kids here (although that's always most important). You deserve emotional safety in a relationship. Trust that, in time, your heart will catch up. It will, but it takes time. My case worker from CPS told me that she meets many women who (in her words) "choose their men over their kids." They lose their kids to the system and spend their lives loyal to men who are clearly sick enough to touch their little ones. No one seems to want to talk about this, but I feel it's an extreme example of something we all (for those of us whose husbands are the abuser) have to go through - emotional detachment from someone we loved. It takes time. I often found myself angry at myself for still loving him after what he did. But I'm a year out now and it's so much better. I still care, but I am detached. I hope that you are able to detach quickly. Unfortunately, it seems that many sexual offenders aren't just sexually abusive - they are almost always emotionally abusuve to their partners as well. This makes it even harder to detach. Much love to you as you go through your grief and process your losses. You are doing good work by allowing yourself to feel all of it. It's not wasted time.

Good idea not to write that letter! He will use it against you. Truly, you don't need to know why -- and do you really want to know why? Maybe it would help you to realize what a beast he is, to know how he could justify what he did to your daughter. But best to realize that on your own. He will try to manipulate you to understand his rationale.

Agree with musicmommy -- you are entitled to feel all of your feelings. Don't squelch them by focusing on his motive -- looking for a logical reason for his behavior. Feel your feelings. Do what it takes to ease them -- therapy, exercise, listening to some NEW songs. But don't expect him to help you to understand this at all.

Keep writing! It helps.

Save the thoughts you'd like to share with him for the impact statement.

I have been writing down a lot of things I want to say to him. I hope I get the chance to read them as the impact statement. I do know in my heart that none of it could make a difference. Only someone who is unable to feel could have done what he has done

Hi broken I too feel the same, I look at him and think why did you offer me the world then hurt one of the most important people in my life,
I too had a future planned out, we have been together 21 years we were just waiting another two years till he retired and our son notes out to move to the coast to my best friend and start our lives there. But that's all gone now. Right now I just lay crying wondering how ill get through life without him .? How I start to make new plans for my future alone.? Yes its grief and it hurts like hell ! No one deserves to be in this much pain but of are and we will be for a long time. Do your letter !! Just don't send it. Save it to look back on how you felt now, I'm hoping one day we can both look back on these things and realise how ever hard it was we got through it and became stronger women and mothers xx

Thanks, Eeyore -- you clarified what I meant. Don't SEND your letter, but do WRITE it. You need to release those feelings, and those fresh hurts will have the most impact in court if they are written in your present state. It surprises to me realize how, after four years, it's gotten a bit hazy to describe just how devastated and wounded I was right after disclosure, even a year after disclosure, two years.....so I assume this may happen to you as well, a gradual softening of these harsh, raw emotions. If I needed to make an impact statement (won't -- he is "un-arrestable" at this point), I would refer back to what I have written on this site. So, YES to writing, NO to mailing!

I am on month 2 after discloser, my partner abused my now 16 yr old daughter for the last 6 years. What I am feeling depends on the day or even the hour. The confusion of emotions is often debilitating, how can my heart hurt for someone who was a monster. How can someone tell me they love me and want to spend the rest of their life with me, while hurting my post treasured people. My mind just can't comprehend that level of betrayal. I feel like such a fool to have loved someone that I obviously never knew. How did he have me so fooled, how could our lives have been a total lie? Its all so raw and confusing, I focus on my kids and my daughter, being there for them, loving them, supporting them and being their rock, but inside I am mess of confused emotions. I want to talk to him, to scream at him, I've written letters in my head to him ranging from rage to questions of why, seeking answers I will never get.

I totally relate to that. They are answers we will never get because there is no answer. No answer would ever be good enough. There will never be "closure" this is truly something you could never understand unless it happened to you.

Yeah. I get it.